this page is under revision
I'd also like to discuss depression and what it's like. I have a dark place that luckily I have not been to in a few months, but the memories are still very vivid.
Things that happened in 1997. I no longer wanted to live. I wanted to literally kill myself... multiple times ... daily for a while. I had it planned. I could not take the pain. I was miserable. I felt like a hollow shell. I scored over 75 on the Goldberg scale... I was craving attention. I drank a lot and did other things to self-medicate. I wrote poems and journaled a lot... I was seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist, and the drugs didn't make everything just go away. My therapist sucked and I finally got the nerve to find a new one. I changed my situation... Jumped into another stupid situation.. Then finally got the strength to move out of it.>> the first signs that the medication was making a difference.
Some Journaling in reverse order....
August, 2001 - More mistakes have been made. Another relationship that began nice ended up being unhealthy. You know why I appear to give up so easily? Because you can't change who people are. I found myself once again with someone with no empathy, no compassion, who wanted me to nurture him with little in return. I have been free of this for over a month now, but it hurts. And I need to stop kicking myself. I've learned more lessons. I'm going to focus more on my essays on this website than on my journaling. There have been "stalkers" who, from my web stats, seem to be frequenting this site who have no business checking up on me.
p.s. My niece is awesome :-) .... and so are my friends :-) (you know who you are)
March, 2001 - My new niece was born on Tuesday, March 13th at 4:52 in the morning. I am so very happy. I threw my sister a baby shower on the 4th and although it was stressful, it was a success. I feel the relationship I'm in currently is the healthiest I've been in yet. I hope I don't do anything to mess it up, because it is very special. The things we share are awesome, and I am learning about myself through his eyes, too. It's so nice to feel all this love in my heart. And holding a tiny baby doesn't hurt either :)
I looked back at my journals and was simply amazed at what has occurred in me, even just since 1998. My doctor has removed the BPD diagnosis from my chart. Certainly, some tendencies are bound to exist, just as I have remnants of codependency also, but his main focus with me right now is ADD, and also continuing to control my chronic depression. My relationships are improving dramatically, with my family, friends, and men. A year ago I was with someone codependent and irresponsible - and no matter what happened, you could be sure it was NEVER his fault. He could rationalize away nearly everything (my ex-husband did this also), however I CAN'T rationalize away everything. I tend to take responsibility for even their messes. It sure made it a tough situation and I miss his son terribly. One thing I can honestly say though is that my self-injuring has disappeared when he did.
I've moved on, learned about myself and my tendency to seek out troubled people to "fix". I had a strange relationship with a friend last summer who must've had some kind of incommunicable hang-up which made a love relationship for him virtually impossible. I guess I'm glad that it ended, because it was so frustrating to not get any love in return, but unfortunately I lost a dear friend.
After months of living, just living, I've met someone who is sincere, honest, successful in his endeavors, and responsible. He and I share rocky pasts, but both are ready to move on. For the first time, I've met someone who doesn't need me to "mother", "fix", or feel sorry for him. I can't believe how pleasant and un-mucky our time together is!! I'm living!!
February, 2001 - I have finally found someone truly special in my life. We share so much and I'm very happy with how things are going. He doesn't lie to me, and has similar interests. He's smart and successful, and doesn't blame anyone else for his shortcomings. It's so refreshing to find an honest person to share time with. I apparently have moderate ADHD, so says the TOVA screening. The doc put me on Adderall, which gave me rotten headaches and a metallic taste in my mouth. Now he has me on dexedrine. So far, no real bad side effects, just not sure if there is any improvement.....
January, 2001 - I have been doing ok. Did quite a bit of unsuccessful dating and then pretty much decided not to worry about it anymore and focus on other things. My doctor has scheduled an Attention Deficit screening for me, thinking maybe that's what's going on.. Can't focus, can't get things done timely, don't get pleasure out of finally finishing - if I even ever finish. I think it's a good theory, hope he's right.
December, 2000 - My uncle died the Sunday after Thanksgiving. It has been tough. My family is grieving a lot, and the holidays weren't too eventful this year. I'm continuing to broaden my horizons and meet people. Determined not to get hurt, yet realizing that there is risk involved if I ever want to find someone. The doc has raised my antidepressant and that seems to have given me much more energy to get things done. I've also cut way back on my anxiety medication. I had a good review at work, and things seem to be going right. The winter is cold here and seems so long, and my 31st birthday sucked, but I'm doing well overall. I've got a lot of compliments on how "good" I sound, and I don't really feel like I'm faking it too much. My friend who left me in October hasn't spoken to me and that hurts, but I can only assume he has other things he's dealing with. I miss his friendship more than anything, no one really knew me like he did. I'm lucky I'm so close to my kitties and my family.
November, 2000 - It has been a bad time for me. I don't know where to start. I'm very alone. My world crashed in and I am very alone. The uncle I went to the beach with on my vacation is dying of cancer.
October 28, 2000 - You leave me with no choice but to move along through the long winding road of promises broken. I still hope to believe there was truth at the moment because I sure felt good at the moment.
October 18, 2000 - I returned from Orlando yesterday. It was a nice trip, but reality sets in now that I'm back. I left on the 10th. The doctor threatened me into the hospital and shook me up pretty good that I didn't want to take a downslide back as far as I once was. It helped snap me out of it, along with the large increase of drugs he gave me. I wrote a poem on the plane. Click here to read it.
October 7, 2000 - I guess I trusted too much and was too patient. I compromised my own confidence and assertiveness because of love I felt, and other's pleas for me to be patient. I am scared at the possibility of not only losing my best friend, but someone I feel I could be very compatible with in the long haul if we would both communicate better. I was taken completely off guard by his need for me to give him total space. I feel embarrassed that I became so dependent and wussy on him, all because I was secretly worried about his health and well being, when I should've just come out and asked before it was too late. I blame myself, and I know this isn't all my fault, I just wish there was something, anything I could do. I'm trying to have faith, and maybe learn something here, but right now there is just so much pain, and I'm trying to maintain hope that our friendship will pull through once he gets his issues resolved. I wish he could let me in to help, but I have no control over that, he says he needs to walk this path alone. All I can do is have faith and trust him that he does care and will come back eventually. Meanwhile I must get myself together and keep on keepin' on. It just caught me so off guard. This man has supported me throughout the past year, and I've been so excited about sharing our time together, and I think he was too. Seems we were making plans right up until he broke this news to me. I needed reassurance that things were "ok" a lot, and I wish I didn't but I do... those old scars take time to heal. Trusting can be so hard even when you want it. And I don't know if I'm referring to him or me or both! I just pray that he knows and understands what happened here, and I hope that he will allow me back into his life once again. I miss his "chin up's" and his kind words. And all the fun we have. His effect on my social life has been phenomenal, I've made so many friends and have had so much fun. I'm afraid it's going to be a long lonely winter.... but I will try to have faith that "the fat lady hasn't sung yet". :')
September 2000 - I am slipping again. Unable to identify it. I want a healthy relationship but I am having a horrible time trusting, and I don't know why. I'm guessing that it's insulting to the people I keep needing reassurance from too, i.e. "Don't you trust me?". I guess it would bug me too. I don't know where the insecurity comes from. Does absence make the heart grow fonder, or make the brain paranoid?? hmmm...
My parents are talking moving to Arizona again and it scares the hell out of me. What am I going to do? It's been the three of us, the "three musketeers" for so many years. I guess no wonder I feel insecure. I am going to lose a rather large support system.... the biggest one I have. .....
August 2000 - It's hard to be alone this much. I have a huge yard, and a lot of work to do. I don't like this much alone time. some is ok. I worry too much. The doc increased my Buspar. Part of this is working. It is stressful. I feel like I have the limbic seizures that Dr. Heller describes in his book. Only at work though. My relationships with other people seem to be worrying me an awful lot. I think it's me worrying too much. I think the world is probably ok, and I'm seeing things wrong.(duh) This job doesn't exactly make me brim with confidence either... it's a rather menial, tedious, thankless job. I really need to get back to my own business.
July 2000 - Well, I got hired on from the credit union officially now. Three days a week is proving to be long. But my PTSD seems to have lifted. I can actually drive by my old store now without getting nightmares. I am excited about the special person I've been spending time with. He lifts me up and kicks my ass when I am down on myself. He reminds me of the good things I've done and that I'm worthy. Now for my next trick.... if I could accomplish something cool in the present. I've done lots of honorable and difficult things in the past..... but right now seems to be a standstill or a struggle or maybe one of those little bouncy balls trapped between two parallel lines.....
September 1999-June 2000 wow I can't believe that much time went by. I guess you could say I had a very codependent relationship with a codependent man. It was wonderful while it lasted. Somehow I felt the security I crave, but also felt the sick twistedness of maybe another passive-aggressive personality influencing me back to some of my old borderline ways. I am glad for the good times, and sad and angry for the times I was lied to. This man was kind and gentle, but unhealthy for me. He didn't do it intentionally, he said he'd love me no matter what. But he did a lot of twisting to justify some of his lies, and it began to work, twisting, twisting lies, to make them my fault, and make me hard on myself and resort to old behaviors. I wish this wouldn't have ended like this.
August 1999 I wish you could trust people. Everywhere you go you see deception. I've got to make a concentrated effort to just get out of the house. It's sad. I have officially put on my suit of armor.... my quest for world knowledge will have do be done through the suit of armor. But I've got some website jobs now, and things are looking up in that department. I'm trying to stay sheltered from life's bullshit... as much as I can anyway. My therapist doesn't seem to have time to see me without 3 or 4 weeks notice, so I'm diligently working on my own in various workbooks... current one being Ellis's Choosing to Live. And yes, I'm actually doing all the exercises this time :P
July 1999 I'm still hanging on. Having trouble socializing, seems that all the people I encounter screw with my head. Ever so slow, my medication is going down. I still take anti-anxiety pills, which I didn't think I'd need after leaving that job. I'm working on my yard and my garden, and enjoying my music more than ever. It's just hard to be alone so much, people just don't understand.... I've been renting movies so I'm not such a movie-idiot, it's cheaper than cable too :-) I love the new radio station here. It plays exactly the kind of tunes that I like. I've never thought of going back into radio until now, unfortunately I didn't get called back for an interview. That kinda sucks. I think it would improve my social life too, and I love doing it. I wouldn't mind just working part time or temporary either, I just want to work THERE! :) I couldn't work where I had to play music I hated. Maybe I'll reapply in a couple months. I need to find someone or someplace to make a new demo tape - the one I have is almost 10 years old. Wow. I wonder where I would be now had I taken that path.....
June 1999 Ok, so my hopes of going back to school to get my bachelor's degree aren't really working out. I took a Java class and I learned a lot, but hated every minute of it. I'm glad it was only a three week thing. I guess I'm doomed to learning on my own, but that's the way I like it. I hate being a student. I hate it! I always did well in school, but I hated every minute of it! UGH! I already have my associate of arts & science degree. I need to find someone to give me one of those "honorary" bachelor's degrees.... for life experience......
May 1999 I posted this to my former high school's web site, hoping to maybe open anybody's eyes. I have no idea if it worked but this is still my opinion: In light of the shootings in Colorado and Georgia, I truly hope that Hilbert has seen improvement in the social integration of their students. When I attended HHS there was an obvious discrepancy in equitable treatment by some of the faculty to students based on athletics and other affiliations which carried down to the students, who had drawn lines between themselves. Social type activities were typically based around athletics, mainly football and basketball, leaving the rest of us feeling left out. I remember many occasions when many classmates felt unwelcome at dances because we weren't in "that" crowd. What frightens me today is the fact that instead of attending the dances, we go east of Hilbert to beer parties. On numerous occasions groups of angry party-goers would joke about going back to the school to raise some hell with "the jocks" and the faculty who seemingly favored them. Recalling this after what happened in at Columbine really scares me. In this respect I feel having teachers as coaches can create a conflict of interest in the classroom. My only hope in writing this is to ensure that the Hilbert school system recognizes that they affect the socialization of ALL students. This is not meant as a flame, only a concern, hopefully it has already been addressed in Hilbert. I wish you all well.
I've talked to a lot of people about this, online and in my family, and it seems that many of us were discriminated against in school because we weren't in sports. In no way does it excuse what those boys did, but I think it still is an issue that schools should seriously look at. They do affect the socialization of ALL the students. And that is my humble opinion :P I don't look back too fondly on my high school years to begin with.....
April 1999 I had enough of the assholes I was trying to work for. Abuse, degradation, discrimination, I finally walked out the door. And apparently don't qualify for UI benefits, so right now I'm enjoying an income-less summer off. I watched my medication double in the 3.5 months I worked for these people. How could I let this happen?
February 1999 My life has had a few bumps. My company has been sold on 1/1, and I am working for the new owners, it is not going very well for me. On New Year's Eve, my Grandpa died. The first of my grandparents to leave me. I am not doing very well.
September 1998 Hanging in there. Learning how to have healthy relationships and stand up for myself. Maybe I'm not so bad! I deserve to be happy and I owe it to myself to keep searching for happiness, even if only one day at a time. I'm getting better at recognizing my emotions. I have finished moving back to my home, which is a comfort and a stressor at the same time. My next step is to work on my career change.
5-4-98 I have lost a lot of my memory of the last two years. I'm going to try to tap into that.... yet maybe it's better if I didn't.
May 1998 I think now I realize that depression can be independent of the BPD. Maybe once I can get the depression cleared up, I can work on my real issues. Checkout my "stuff I learned in the hospital" portion of my journal! You know, I can't help but wonder what my life would be like now if the inept counselors in my high school had actually diagnosed me correctly. I remember my counselor trying to accuse my parents of being alcoholics and stuff, just to explain my problems. I had major depression and borderline personality disorder. What the hell are these counselors doing trying to handle things like this? They aren't psychiatrists! My life may have been so much different had I gotten the help I needed in high school. It pisses me off. I was suicidal and obviously needed help, and probably medication, not some inept counselor trying to blame my folks for everything.
I'm sorry, but I can't do it. I had over ten pages of journal on this web page, but as I read through it I realize that this is too personal. I'd love to talk with people about things, but I just can't post my diary to the internet!!! Sorry!!
4-20-98 All this therapy is so hard. The roller coaster gets so tough, that it's still so tempting just to bail out. But I know I have to stay tough. My hospital stay last month was very humbling. Made me realize that a friend was right when he said I wasn't in control of the whole world, and just because something goes to hell doesn't mean it's my fault. It was nice in the hospital, the people there were wonderful, and you know, I didn't meet one person who was crazy. Weird, huh? But it was weird, because after the ambulance took me away, life as usual went on for everyone else. Just like when someone dies and you feel strange because life on the street is still going on, even when you feel like absolute shit. I've committed to myself to endure all this therapy. I want to enjoy life.
..March 1998 Things have recently took a turn for the worse for me, I spent some time in the hospital. I'm tired of people I love hurting me. My feelings are REAL. No one can tell me that my feelings are wrong. I've been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder along with unipolar depression. Please keep an open mind. thanx.....................
*stuff I learned incarcerated in the hospital* (It wasn't all bad)
Spirituality doesn't have anything to do with church or religion. This was a really interesting talk I had with my p-doc. We talked about nature and looking at the big picture. Taking at least one moment of each day and enjoying the simple things like a blade of grass, the smell of fresh air, the stars, my cats, pretty flowers, a beautiful view. These things are spiritual .. they are beyond us. This was comforting to me, being an atheist or agnostic or whatever I am. (Not affiliated with any religion or church.) I have felt a lot of comfort out of the realization that I can get in touch with that part of myself. Not that rock concerts really fit in the list of simple beautiful spiritual things, but these for me are also very spiritual. The adrenaline rush plus the comradery of the people - I find this ever inspiring.
I learned that you could do something relatively paradoxical, like lay in bed in the psych ward and watch Beavis and Butthead : ) I found this very humorous.
It's pretty pathetic when the nurses won't let you keep a pen in your room.
note: I didn't meet any crazy people there... hmmm.
It's very scary being locked in an empty room without a mirror in the bathroom or any furniture. It was a rough first night. I didn't get off on the cameras either.
Group therapy was really cool. We realized that even though we were all there for different circumstances, we all had things in common, especially the lack of ability to COPE.
I missed my kitties horribly. And I felt terrible for scaring my family.
I also learned that sometimes you can't tell the truth about how you feel to anyone, or you risk being stuck there.
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