One Liners

  1. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

  2. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

  3. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

  4. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

  5. He who hesitates is probably right.

  6. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

  7. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

  8. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

  9. The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

  10. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

  11. The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

  12. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

  13. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

  14. Two wrongs are only the beginning.

  15. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

  16. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

  17. Don't sweat the petty things--or pet the sweaty things.

  18. A fool and his money are soon partying.

  19. Get a new car for your spouse--it'll be a great trade.

  20. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

  21. Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

  22. Eagles may soar but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.

  23. Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back.

  24. Half the people you know are below average.

  25. If at first you don't succeed then skydiving is definitely not for you.

  26. Everyone has a photographic memory; some just have film.

  27. Boycott shampoo; demand the REAL poo.

  28. If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?.

  29. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?.

  30. Energizer Bunny arrested: charged with battery.

  31. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

  32. I couldn't repair your brakes so I made your horn louder.

  33. Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

  34. Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

  35. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

  36. Wear short sleeves: support your right to bare arms.

  37. Corduroy pillows: they're making headlines.

  38. Okay, so what's the speed of dark?