Layne
You will always be in my heart
with peace, may you be free
you will never be forgotten
"Say goodbye, Don't follow"
Subject: (((Layne))) warning: death
Posted on: Saturday 4/20/02 4:38 pm
I feel so empty right now, the news has confirmed that the body of Layne Staley
was found dead yesterday in his Seattle apartment. Just over 8 years after Kurt
Cobain's death, Layne was found at age 34, dead - autopsy hasn't determined if
it was natural causes or an overdose. He had been there several days without
anyone finding him. He was the lead singer and songwriter for Alice In Chains,
one of my favorite bands. They have been on several hiatuses because of Layne's
drug problems, but I never imagined it would end like this. The man's lyrics are
phenomenal and deep, and, like the day Kurt died, I will never forget this day
either. My heart just breaks.
Gina
....................................................................
Subject: re: (((Layne))) warning: death
Posted on: Saturday 4/20/02 11:35 pm
That's right Camile, You are right in Seattle aren't you? I'm
familiar with Layne's Mad Season work too. And that voice, that incredible
voice, and the lyrics pierced right through my soul as if he had felt what I
have felt. I had the song "Down in a Hole" in my head for 2 days last
week. makes you wonder. They didn't release how long they think he's been dead.
I just feel so helpless and lost. I know I probably take my music too seriously,
but it is inspiration to me. Musicians like Ozzy and James Hetfield of Metallica
have spoken about their addictions and depressions and pain and have proven that
they could live despite it. I look up to these guys. Then we lose Kurt or
Shannon Hoon or Andrew Wood and now Layne and I feel so lost.
I have AIC listed as one of my favorite bands on my personal ad and I got some
letters of sympathy today from people browsing. It's all too weird. I'm
terrified that Scott Weiland of Stone Temple Pilots will end up the same way.
And Eddie Vedder has publicly spoke about how hard the life is, and how easy it
is to succumb to the drugs and the lifestyle and sometimes "you just want
to be left alone". Maybe in a way I am jealous. That is the life I used to
picture myself in. Seriously. Live fast Die young. I didn't care and had I made
it in my early 20's when I really wanted it I'd probably have been rich and dead
by now. Maybe it's that I can identify too much with how they describe their
pain. To lose one of them is like losing one of those twigs you're grasping
that's keeping you from sliding off the cliff. I was so much hoping that Layne
would come back out and make more music with AIC. Damn I hate depression.
very sad tonight, and still contemplating the meaning of my existence....
Gina
....................................................................
Subject: re: (((Layne))) warning: death
Posted on: Sunday 4/21/02 10:59 am
Rest in
peace. The man who wrote "Rain When I Die". I have quoted you many
times right here to my friends when I said "I'd like to fly but my wings
have been so denied." "Heaven beside You".
I know one thing. It's raining for me today. I haven't been able to cry in
months. All the death this year. And I log on to the aliceinchains.com website
and all it is right now is message tribute to Layne Staley and the tears began
to come. I am afraid now, the dam has broken and I hope I can get it to stop.
This from the AP's current press release:
"He was a sweet guy, but very troubled," said Charles Cross, a former
editor of the defunct Seattle music magazine The Rocket who recently wrote a
biography of Nirvana frontman Kurt Cobain. "He lost his girlfriend to drugs
a number of years ago. People still had hopes he would turn around. It's a sad
tale."
While Alice in Chains didn't garner as much respect as other Seattle grunge
groups, the band's influence still reverberates, Cross said.
"Critically, they'll never rate in the same pantheon as Nirvana, but they
were a band that inspired hundreds, if not thousands, of other bands,"
Cross said. He pointed to Creed and Godsmack, a band that shares its name with
an Alice in Chains song.
"They had huge commercial aspirations from the beginning. They fulfilled
that, and so much of that was Layne's voice," Cross said.
His voice ranged from a low, growly monotone to a pained, piercing wail; many a
bar-band singer frayed vocal cords in the early 1990s trying to imitate it.
Staley also played some guitar for the group.
Chad Schuster, 21, a University of Washington student and guitarist in a garage
band, came with other fans to an impromptu memorial Saturday at the Seattle
Center.
He said the group's music "was very dark, but it was melodic and hopeful at
the same time. It was heavy metal that didn't hurt your ears."
....................................................................
Subject: re: (((Layne))) warning: death
Posted on: Sunday 4/21/02 11:33 am
I'm sorry, I'm just a wreck right now. http://seattlepi.nwsource.com
I better go eat something.
In a 1996 interview with Rolling Stone magazine, he said: "I'm gonna be
here for a long time. I'm scared of death, especially death by my own hand. I'm
scared of where I would go. Not that I ever consider that, because I
don't."
....................................................................
Subject Re: selfish death - No, it's NOT
Posted by ginamarina
Posted on 4/21/02 1:53 PM
Please keep in mind that Layne did not deliberately do anything "to
us", but that he had obviously lived a long time not for himself, but
because people needed him. Instead of asking how someone could have done this to
the people who loved him, we should wonder at how much pain he had to be in to
have overcome the obstacles at are naturally given to us to keep from ending our
lives. We should wonder at how he withstood that pain and misery for as long as
he did and feel grateful that he was able to touch our lives.
Most importantly, we should understand that he endured all that pain for the
people he loved, family, friends and fans. Layne was not a stupid man, he
certainly knew that we would all be hurt if he died, and he suffered on with his
life as long as he could bear it. He must have felt no personal reason to live;
that he lived as long as he did for the benefit of others. Living, solely for
the comfort and needs of others has a boundary, a maximum useful limit. One can
do it for a long while, if they are strong, but one can't do it forever.
A person has to have a personal reason to live, a joy of life that comes from
what he receives from that life, and not what he provides to others. No, that is
NOT SELFISH. For most people the good things in life completely overwhelm the
bad. But some of us don't feel the rewards as strongly as we feel the
punishments in life. We don't see life's beauty as clearly as we see the
disorders. The comfort we receive doesn't cancel the pain. Suicide is the only
relief from that kind of life. This I say because it is my struggle too. I am
deeply saddened at what Layne's life had become, and like most of you, I wish I
could have done something to make him feel the good things in life.
Gina
....................................................................
Subject Re: Do they know?
Posted by ginamarina
Posted on 4/21/02 4:22 PM
I'm not sure if they know or not. I think it was Eddie Vedder who talked about
how much pressure it was to have all these fans think that they know him
personally. I can't imagine have my pathetic life being displayed to the masses.
It's enough pressure just to stay alive during the hard times for my family and
my friends, I can't imagine feeling the need to please fans too. Who knows,
maybe it kept Layne alive longer, not wanting to disappoint us. But like I
posted earlier today, you can only live for other people for so long. I feel bad
that he did not get to see the good things in the world and find some peace
here. I suppose even if he knew we all loved him, there is an invisible wall
there. I know I wouldn't like to know I had thousands of "friends" but
I couldn't get to know them, or I couldn't invite them into my life for fear of
being mobbed or trampled to death or beat up by some asshole. I wonder if they
will find out if it was a deliberate thing or an accident. It hurts me so much
to know he sat there with no one knowing. When I was at my worst, I thought of
that, wondered how long I'd lay there before someone noticed I'd be gone... and
then I thought of these two cats of mine, and how they'd have to look at me and
lick me and wonder what the hell happened... and I couldn't do it. They've saved
me a few times. And so has the music.
peace and hugs to everyone else raining tears today.
Gina
....................................................................
Subject Re: my friend
Posted by ginamarina
Posted on 4/21/02 6:59 PM
I know how you feel. During the hardest part of my life the Dirt CD was in my
computer 24/7. I was 27, losing my marriage and my parents' company at the same
time. I was working 60-80 hours a week and basically dying. I would sit there in
front of that computer and just drift off into those songs, that voice, it was
describing how I felt inside. I played that cd over and over and over. In August
of '96 I made a break, it was make a call or die. I guess I did like most
depressed suicidal people do, I isolated myself to the point where I thought I
had nothing left to live for, and I was withering away to nothing. With that cd
playing in my office, I called a psychiatrists' office. They must have sensed
there was urgency there. I got help that same day, saw two different doctors and
was given medication. That was six years ago and I'm still alive. Life is very
gray today, and I'm still all alone, I finally had to turn off my cd player to
give the tears a rest, but this is definitely grief. He was a friend to me and
never knew it.
Gina
....................................................................
Subject Two weeks? OMG. And a thank you to everyone.
Posted by ginamarina
Posted on 4/22/02 10:48 AM
I can't believe they think he had been laying there alone on that sofa for two
weeks. This just makes me so sick. I haven't been able to eat since Saturday
morning. Even I didn't think I would have to wait two weeks to be found when I
was in that dark place. I figured someone would miss me after 3, 4, 5 days
maybe. I still couldn't bear the thought of my cats having to stare at my dead
body that long. I'm so sad that he felt so alone, yet look at this board and how
many people loved him. He just had to reach out his hand. Layne, we loved you.
It didn't have to be this way. This just tears me apart.
Please remember everyone, that it is STRONG to ask for help. This took me so
many years to get through my head. We weren't meant to cope with everything life
hands us all alone. It's still hard for me to do, I crawl into my hole and get
depressed instead of reaching out, but I force myself now. I've had to endure
more deaths this year than ever before in my 32 years. Six older relatives, a
cousin, his wife and daughter in a car accident, our family dog, my friend Ronda
who put a gun to her head. And now my rock icon, Layne Staley. It hurts. It
hurts bad.
I've had a psych doc helping me through the latest blow of incidents, but it's
still been so hard. I'm very alone. My parents have each other, my sisters are
both married, I'm alone. I don't have anyone to lean on and it makes me crazy
sometimes. Instead of self injuring yesterday I fought the urge for all I was
worth, instead I stood out in the snow in short sleeves and let the frozen rain
pelt me in the face until I was froze. But I didn't hurt myself. Therapy did
that. It taught me there are other ways to get the feelings out. I'll admit I
took a few sedatives to calm down, but I didn't drink or toke all weekend. I'm
trying to deal. And it's fuckin' hard. When the music even hurts.
I wrote my tribute to Layne on this board yesterday, it tells what Layne's music
has meant to me personally, and it's floating around these thousands of posts
somewhere. If anyone wants to talk please feel free to mail me.
I want to thank all of you who came to offer condolences here, because I can't
believe how much it means to me to know I'm not alone. All the other deaths for
me this year, and I felt I couldn't talk about it, I couldn't cry on anyone, it
made me so I couldn't cry at all. Friends have told me I have to grieve
eventually, and friends, this weekend I did. I read as many posts as I could and
I cried. I cried and cried. Something I've not been able to do for months.
Granted, I still have no one to hold me right now, but knowing I was not alone
with all these feelings for Layne has really helped release something for me.
Just knowing people all over the world are grieving, and seeing them write the
same things I'm feeling, it makes me feel a lot less alone.
With much appreciation,
ginamarina
....................................................................
Subject Re: question for Seattle fans
Posted by ginamarina
Posted on 4/22/02 2:33 PM
Most of us are feeling this helpless feeling also. Had he reached out his hand,
thousands of us would have been willing to hold him, to rock him to sleep, to
rub his tired head, wipe tears from his face, and try to get him help. I know I
would have, and I wish I could have. Granted I'm like 1500 miles away, but I
wish I could have been there for him. Problem is that he never reached out his
hand (at least that we know of).
I'm pretty sure his friends and family have tried over the past 10+ years to
help, but addiction and depression are horrible diseases - and they can make you
downright mean to people you love because you can't continue your ways with
guilt - so you push everyone away. I know this from experience. Thankfully my
family still loves me even after I was convinced they all hated me. I convinced
myself I was all alone. Look at all of us here - we aren't alone, we have to
reach out.
But believe me, I know what you are saying. What if.. what if _I_ was his soul
mate but we never met? What if I was the one who could have made him see life
that's worth living? What if I could have loved him and took him out for a walk
by the lake and sat and watched the butterflies? What if I could have been the
one to make him not feel alone in this horrible life? or what if you could have
been?
No answers. I'll just continue to hope my life can keep going, hold on to my
music and my cats, and pray in my own way that someday I'll know why I'm here -
and hopefully find someone to love me and share this life with. It's hard to be
alone.
....i think it's gonna rain....
with compassion and sympathy for everyone who is troubled right now,
Gina
....................................................................
I want to extend my deepest condolences to Layne's family and friends, and to
all of us who have been such sincere fans for so long. I'm not sure if people
like Layne know how much they are loved or not. I think it was Eddie Vedder who
talked about how much pressure it was to have all these fans think that they
know him personally. I can't imagine having my pathetic life being displayed to
the masses. It's enough pressure just to stay alive during the hard times for my
family and my friends, I can't imagine feeling the need to please fans too. Who
knows, maybe it kept Layne alive longer, not wanting to disappoint us. But like
I will refer to next, you can only live for other people for so long. I feel bad
that he did not get to see the good things in the world and find some peace
here. I suppose even if he knew we all loved him, there is an invisible wall
there. I know I wouldn't like to know I had thousands of "friends" but
I couldn't get to know them, or I couldn't invite them into my life for fear of
being mobbed or trampled to death or beat up by some asshole. It hurts me so
much to know he sat there with no one knowing. When I was at my worst, I thought
of that, wondered how long I'd lay there before someone noticed I'd be gone...
and then I thought of these two cats of mine, and how they'd have to look at me
and lick me and wonder what the hell happened... and I couldn't do it. They've
saved me a few times. And so has the music.
Please keep in mind that Layne did not deliberately do anything "to
us", but that he had obviously lived a long time not for himself, but
because people needed him. Instead of asking how someone could have done this to
the people who loved him, we should wonder at how much pain he had to be in to
have overcome the obstacles at are naturally given to us to keep from ending our
lives.
We should wonder at how he withstood that pain and misery for as long as he did
and feel grateful that he was able to touch our lives. Most importantly, we
should understand that he endured all that pain for the people he loved, family,
friends and fans. Layne was not a stupid man, he certainly knew that we would
all be hurt if he died, and he suffered on with his life as long as he could
bear it. He must have felt no personal reason to live; that he lived as long as
he did for the benefit of others. Living, solely for the comfort and needs of
others has a boundary, a maximum useful limit. One can do it for a long while,
if they are strong, but one can't do it forever.
A person has to have a personal reason to live, a joy of life that comes from
what he receives from that life, and not what he provides to others. No, that is
NOT SELFISH, I hate to hear people accuse that. For most people the good things
in life completely overwhelm the bad. But some of us don't feel the rewards as
strongly as we feel the punishments in life. We don't see life's beauty as
clearly as we see the disorders. The comfort we receive doesn't cancel the pain.
Suicide becomes the only relief from that kind of life. This I say because it is
my struggle too. I am deeply saddened at what Layne's life had become, and like
most of you, I wish I could have done something to make him feel the good things
in life.
Layne's voice and poetry touched my life deeply. During the hardest part of my
life the Dirt CD was in my computer 24/7. I was 26, losing my marriage and my
parents' company at the same time. I was working 60-80 hours a week and
basically dying. I would sit there in front of that computer and just drift off
into those songs, that voice, it was describing how I felt inside. I played that
cd over and over and over. In August of '96 I made a break, it was make a call
or die. I guess I did like most depressed suicidal people do, I isolated myself
to the point where I thought I had nothing left to live for, and I was withering
away to nothing. With that cd playing at my desk, I called a psychiatrists'
office. They must have sensed the urgency there. I got help that same day, saw
two different doctors and was given medication. That was six years ago and I'm
still alive. Life has been very gray the past few days, and I'm still all alone,
I finally had to turn off my cd player to give the tears a rest, but this is
definitely grief. He was a friend to me and never knew it.
I haven't been able to eat decent since Saturday morning. Even I didn't think I
would have to wait two weeks to be found when I was in that dark place. I'm so
sad that he felt so alone, yet look at these boards and how many people loved
him. He just had to reach out his hand. Layne, we loved you. It didn't have to
be this way. This just tears me apart.
Please remember everyone, that it is STRONG to ask for help. This took me so
many years to get through my head. We weren't meant to cope with everything life
hands us all alone. It's still hard for me to do, I crawl into my hole and get
depressed instead of reaching out, but I force myself now. I've had to endure
more deaths this year than ever before in my 32 years. Six older relatives, a
cousin, his wife and daughter in a car accident, our family dog, my friend Ronda
who put a gun to her head. And now my rock icon, Layne Staley. It hurts. It
hurts bad.
I've had a psych doc helping me through the latest blow of incidents, but it's
still been so hard. I'm very alone. My parents have each other, my sisters are
both married, I'm alone. I don't have anyone to lean on and it makes me crazy
sometimes. Instead of self injuring Sunday I fought the urge for all I was
worth, instead I stood out in the snow in short sleeves and let the frozen rain
pelt me in the face until I was froze. But I didn't hurt myself. Therapy did
that. It taught me there are other ways to get the feelings out. I'll admit I
took a few sedatives to calm down, but I didn't drink or toke all weekend. I'm
trying to deal. And it's fuckin' hard. When the music even hurts.
I want to thank all of you who came to offer condolences here, because I can't
believe how much it means to me to know I'm not alone. All the other deaths for
me this year, and I felt I couldn't talk about it, I couldn't cry on anyone, it
made me so I couldn't cry at all. Friends have told me I have to grieve
eventually, and friends, this weekend I did. I read as many posts as I could and
I cried. I cried and cried. Something I've not been able to do for months.
Granted, I still have no one to hold me right now, but knowing I was not alone
with all these feelings for Layne has really helped release something for me.
Just knowing people all over the world are grieving, and seeing them write the
same things I'm feeling, it makes me feel a lot less alone. I'm reading so many
frustrated posts as most of us are feeling so helpless. Had our Layne reached
out his hand, thousands of us would have been willing to hold him, to rock him
to sleep, to rub his tired head, wipe tears from his face, and try to get him
help. I know I would have, and I wish I could have. Granted I'm like 1500 miles
away, but I wish I could have been there for him. Problem is that he never
reached out his hand (at least that we know of).
I'm pretty sure his friends and family have tried over the past years to help,
but addiction and depression are horrible diseases - and they can make you
downright mean to people you love because you can't continue your ways with
guilt - so you push everyone away. I know this from experience. Thankfully my
family still loves me even after I was convinced they all hated me. I convinced
myself I was all alone. Look at all of us here - we aren't alone, we have to
reach out.
But believe me, I know what you are saying. What if.. what if _I_ was his soul
mate but we never met? What if I was the one who could have made him see a life
that's worth living? What if I could have loved him and took him out for a walk
by the lake and sat and watched the butterflies? What if I could have been the
one to make him not feel alone in this horrible life? or what if you could have
been?
No answers. I'll just continue to hope my life can keep going, hold on to my
music and my cats, and pray in my own way that someday I'll know why I'm here -
and hopefully find someone to love me and share this life with. It's hard to be
alone. I am writing this long letter (too long) with compassion and empathy for
everyone who is troubled right now,
....i think it's gonna rain.... Peace and love to all of you, Ginamarina
WI USA - Wednesday, April 24, 2002 at 21:19:16 (EDT)
....................................................................
Posted by ginamarina
Posted on 8/22/02 2:33 PM
Happy Birthday sweet Layne. I hope you are peaceful and that you know how
much you were loved. I miss you dearly and treasure the help you gave me during
the hardest times of my life. I feel the pain today almost as intense as I did
in April. I shall light my candle now, I wish there was a memorial here in
Wisconsin, but there is, right here in my home.
forever and with Bast's love,
Ginamarina xoxo
....................................................................
| with peace
may you be free, Layne. you will never be forgotten. |
|
|
say goodbye, don't follow... |