As another year nears an end
another birthday approaches.
My heart sinks with the thought.
You know, I feel like I'm riding this wave:
of sadness, of complacency and sometimes hopefulness -
depending on my state of mind
and the company I keep.
I have gone years learning to love myself
and being ok with being alone.
But ultimately I still have hope -
hope that I will share my life someday
and maybe have a family.
But as every year passes, and relationships die,
a piece of that hope fades away.
It frightens me that the wave of emotion
will begin to vacillate only between
complacency and sadness.
I see the people around me
with beautiful memories of a honeymoon
or a baby's birth or trips afar together.
I long for these, and no matter what anyone says,
these things cannot be accomplished alone.
As the years pass, I don't want to become desperate
I don't want to settle, I want to have hope...
But I also do not want to become hardened
and unable to give and receive love.
I'm acutely aware of the desire to run to avoid pain.
It's all so confusing and then boils down
to what my purpose is here. A filler? A helper?
Am I merely a gateway to helping others on their way?
Am I the counselor who improves everyone else's
life and then goes home empty?
The real question is how can I be content with this?
It gets to a point where I know that
every beam of hopefulness I feel
will be temporary until the project comes to an end.
Makes me numb. I find myself frightened.
Doctors have happily told me how well I am.
How symptoms have faded, how tests come back negative.
I'm fine! I'm ready for life! I have overcome!
I have so much to give! and ability to receive!
I'm deserving! Oh everything is wonderful!
and another year passes. and I feel numb.