....ginamarina's world....


cruel joke

I feel so empty.
Like a picture of a wonderful life was placed in front of my eyes
one that I never knew would seem so perfect.
I never imagined this situation before.
I fell in love with the idea
and with the man
and with the daughter.
And suddenly the picture was torn away, like a cruel joke.

The closer we got to each other
the further he pulled away.
Only to realize that his heart was hardened.
He tried hard, I never felt a closeness like this before.
But each time we got closer,
he needed more time to be without me again.

Then I find out on a holiday
that he cannot bear to call me his girlfriend.
His family confused. And so was I.
Heart callused over to an unexplainable degree.
He says he tried so hard to open up to me
knowing I deserved it. Divorce can do strange things.
Now I'm another victim of his.

Somehow it just couldn't happen.
Not right now. He's been so frustrated.
And the more I gave, the more guilt he felt.
And I always have so much to give -
more than is safe. I give everything I have.
Once again I am left without skin in a hailstorm.

He says I seem quite perfect
and that he doesn't understand.
That he wants to hang on and still stay friends.
He doesn't want to let go.
But who is going to take care of me?
I can't keep giving my heart and soul only to find
out that he's not ready to hold it in his strong hands.

I've already lost who I am, once again.
To this dream, this picture, this family.
He made it seem so real, so true.
The passion we shared was something I've never had before.
The intimacy incredible. And I feel so empty
- he can't even introduce me as his girlfriend?

He painted this picture right with me.
Held my hand as we dreamed, looking up at the stars.
I don't want to give up, but I have to step away now.
I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can barely function.
This isn't how it's supposed to be.
I can't wait any longer.
If he's ready he can find me I guess.

I now, once again, have to collect the shattered
pieces of my heart and my life.
And try to keep them together.
I've told myself a thousand times how
I should or should not have......
I've beat myself up so many times already.

I guess all I can ask for is your friendship now.
And hope you'll all forgive me once again.
I feel so terribly alone and hopeless.
I can't worry that he was drenched in tears too.
I still have no skin, no reserve left.
And I think you all understand or remember
what that feels like.

I hope you can forgive me for slipping from myself again.
I can't seem yet to forgive myself.
he says he's getting help, and I can't worry about him right now.
I realize that I am in a dangerous place.
And I have to take care of me,
as much as I hate her again.

I think I could write like this for hours.
As Buddy looks up lovingly from his chair.
I have to put on new makeup for the 3rd time this morning.
And go to work.
I'm numb all over.

Even though he doesn't want to say goodbye.
I think I must do it, at least to myself quietly and for now.
Say "goodbye J**** and S*****" I love you.
And try to pick up the pieces of myself.

And hope that whatever is meant to be will be.
And try to come out of this.
my life seems like such a cruel joke.
like being picked on in school.
I'm not in good shape here.
I can't even think of what my own advice
would be right now.

At least I was on the phone a lot this weekend
My body virtually unscathed.
I know I have grown through the years
or this wouldn't be the case.
But my suit of armor is apparently fake.
And I still feel love for these two people in my heart

Even though it's breaking.
And my cats have let their fur
soak up my tears all weekend.
And my mother has held me,
and so have a few friends.
And deep down I knew you would be
here for me too.

I love you all so much for being here for me through the years.

I'm going to get through this day the best I can.





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03/30/2006 11:54 AM