Ok, so I'll admit I'm addicted.....
Episode Guide everything you need to know.
Another One. wav's on the way :)
For Fans Only.... Memorable Quotes!!!
(mostly stolen from pkmeko.com)
"The second button literally makes or breaks the shirt. Look at it. It's too high. It's in no-man's land. You look like you live with your mother."
- Jerry, to George, in "Good News, Bad News"
"Jerry, I have to tell you something. This is the dullest moment I've ever experienced."
- George, watching laundry, in "Good News, Bad News"
"Don't interrupt the cycle. The machine is working. It knows what it's doing. Just let it finish."
"You're going to overdry it."
"You can't overdry."
"Why not?"
"The same reason you can't overwet."
- Jerry and George, in "Good News, Bad News"
"I can't believe you're bringing in an extra bed for a woman that wants to sleep with you. Why don't you bring in an extra guy too."
- George, to Jerry, in "Good News, Bad News"
"Wouldn't it be great if you could ask a woman what she's thinking?"
"What a world that would be if you could just ask a woman what she's thinking."
"You know, instead I'm like a detective. I gotta pick up clues. The whole thing's a murder investigation."
- Jerry and George, in "Good News, Bad News"
*
"This is what I like, see? You come home and your parents are in your bed!"
- Jerry, in "The Stakeout"
"So, um, do you date immature men?
- Jerry, to Vanessa, in "The Stakeout"
"When you're on a stakeout, do you find it's better to stand up against the wall, or kinda crouch down behind a big plant?"
- Jerry, in "The Stakeout"
"Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft. Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft..."
- Jerry, trying to remember where a woman works, in "The Stakeout"
"Have you totally blocked out the entire time we were a couple?"
- Elaine to Jerry, in "The Stakeout"
"C'mon, there will be people to mock."
- Jerry to Elaine, trying to convince her to go to a wedding, in "The Stakeout"
*
"When women smile at me I don't know what it means. Sometimes I interpret it like they're psychotic or something. And I don't know if I'm supposed to smile back. I don't know what to do."
- George, in "The Phone Message"
"For me to ask a woman out, I've got to get into a mental state like the karate guys before they break the bricks."
- George, in "The Phone Message"
"To cover my nervousness, I started eating an apple because I think if they hear you chewing on the other end of the phone, it make you sound casual."
"Yeah, like a farm boy."
- George and Jerry, in "The Phone Message"
"Instead of doing a wash, I just keep buying underwear. My goal is to have over 360 pair. That way I only have to do wash once a year."
- George, in "The Phone Message"
"Women don't want to see need. They want a take-charge guy. A colonel, a kaiser, a czar."
- George, in "The Phone Message"
"I don't know what your parents did to you."
- Elaine, to George, in "The Phone Message"
"It's a machine! The little light is blinking right now, 'Come and listen to the idiot! Hey everybody, the idiot's on!'"
- George, worried about an answering machine, in "The Phone Message"
"I have no patience for lactose. And I won't stand for it."
- Jerry, in "The Phone Message"
"Tippy toe! Tippy toe!"
- George, warning Jerry, in "The Phone Message"
"That what you had to tell me? Your father wears sneakers in the pool?"
- Carol, to George, in "The Phone Message"
*
"Health cookies? I hate those little dustboard fructose things."
- Elaine, in "The Chinese Restaurant"
"I just can't believe the way people are. What is it with humanity? What kind of a world do we live in?"
- George, waiting to use the phone, in "The Chinese Restaurant"
"You ever notice how happy people are when they finally get a table? They feel so special because they've been chosen. It's enough to make you sick."
- Elaine, getting very hungry, in "The Chinese Restaurant"
"If anything happens here can I count on you?"
"What?"
"If we decide to go at it."
"Yeah, I want to get into a rumble."
- George, still waiting for the phone, and Jerry, in "The Chinese Restaurant"
"It's not fair that people are seated first-come, first-serve. It should be based on who's hungriest. I feel like just walking over there and taking some food off somebody's plate.
"I'll tell you what, there's fifty bucks in it for you if you do it."
"What do you mean?"
"You walk over to that table, you pick up an eggroll, you don't say anything. You eat it, say thank you very much, wipe your mouth, walk away, I give you fifty bucks."
"What are they gonna do?"
"They won't do anything. In fact, you'll be giving them a story to tell for the rest of their lives."
"Fifty bucks? You'll give me fifty bucks?"
"Fifty bucks. That table over there. The three couples."
"Okay, I don't want to go over there and do it and then come back here and find out there was some little loophole, like I didn't put mustard on it."
"No, no tricks."
"Should I do it George?"
"For fifty bucks? I'd put my face in their soup and blow!"
"Alright, alright. Here, hold this. I'm doin' it."
- Elaine, Jerry and George, in "The Chinese Restaurant"
"We're living in a society!!"
- George, still waiting for the phone, in "The Chinese Restaurant"
"The only excuse she might possibly have accepted is if I told her I am in reality Batman, and I'm very sorry, I just saw the Bat Signal."
- George, telling how he left a woman's bed, in "The Chinese Restaurant"
"Remember when you first went out to eat with your parents? Remember, it was such a treat. You go and they serve you this different food that you never saw before. They put it in front of you and it was such a delicious and exciting adventure... and now I just feel like a big sweaty hog waiting for them to fill up the trough."
- Elaine, in "The Chinese Restaurant"
"Where am I? Is this a dream? What in God's name is going on here?"
- Elaine, who just wants to sit and eat, in "The Chinese Restaurant"
"This is bad, you don't know. The chain reaction of calls this is going to set off. New York, Long Island, Florida... It's like the Bermuda Triangle. Unfortunately, nobody ever disappears."
- Jerry, worrying about offending his uncle, in "The Chinese Restaurant"
"It's just a movie."
"Just a movie? You don't understand. This isn't Plans One through Eight from Outer Space. This is Plan Nine! This is the one that worked. The worst movie ever made."
- Elaine and Jerry, in "The Chinese Restaurant"
"Let's just order it to go. We'll eat it in the cab."
"Eat it in the cab? Chinese food in a cab?"
"We'll eat it in the movie."
"Where do you think you're going? You think that they have big picnic tables there?"
"What do you suggest?"
"I say we leave now, we go to Skyburger and we scarf 'em down."
- Jerry and Elaine, in "The Chinese Restaurant"
"Movie hot dogs? I'd rather lick the food off the floor."
- Elaine, in "The Chinese Restaurant"
"I can't go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers?"
- Jerry, in "The Chinese Restaurant"
"Seinfeld - Four"
-Chinese Guy, in "The Chinese Restaurant"
*
"I don't even pay taxes."
"Yeah, that's easy when you have no income."
- Kramer and Jerry, in "The Truth"
"That's karma."
"No, that's Kramer."
- Elaine and Jerry, in "The Truth"
"It's the financial equivalent of a complete rectal examination."
- Jerry, talking about his upcoming audit, in "The Truth"
"My whole life has been a complete waste of time."
"And there's so much more to go."
- George and Jerry, in "The Truth"
"Kramer saw me naked."
"Well, you know, it was an accident."
"Who walks into a woman's bedroom without knocking? I want to know!"
"I thought it was the closet."
- Elaine and Kramer, in "The Truth"
"I've driven women to lesbianism before, but never a mental institution."
- George, in "The Truth"
"I should be in a place like this."
- George, visiting the mental institution, in "The Truth"
"I say stupid things all the time. I can't go two minutes without saying something stupid."
- George, in "The Truth"
*
"The Dewey Decimal System... What a scam that was!"
- Kramer, in "The Library"
"She needs a little tenderness. She needs a little understanding. She needs a little Kramer."
- Kramer, in "The Library"
"The library investigator's name is actually Bookman?"
"It's true."
"That's amazing. That's like an ice cream man named Cone."
- Kramer and the Librarian, in "The Library"
"I never figured you for a squealer."
"Oh, he sang like a canary."
- Kramer and Jerry, to George, in "The Library"
"I don't understand lunch. I don't know anything about lunch."
- George, in "The Library"
"Instead of saying 'Costanza', he'd say 'Cantstandya, Cantstandya'."
- George, remembering his high school gym coach, in "The Library"
"Why do they call it a wedgie?"
"Because the underwear is pulled up from the back until... it wedges in."
"They also have an Atomic Wedgie. Now the goal there is to actually get the waistband on top of the head. It's very rare."
"Boys are sick."
"What do girls do?"
"We just tease someone until they develop an eating disorder."
- Elaine, George and Jerry, in "The Library"
"I don't judge a man by the length of his hair or the kind of music he listens to. Rock was never my bag. But you put on a pair of shoes when you walk into the New York Public Library, fella."
- Lt. Bookman, in "The Library"
"Let me tell you something, funny boy... You know that little stamp? The one that says New York Public Library? Well, that may not mean anything to you, but that means a lot to me. One whole helluva lot. Sure, go ahead, laugh if you want to. I've seen your type before -- flashy, making the scene, flaunting convention. Yeah, I know what you're thinking... Why's this guy making such a big stink about old library books? Let me give you a hint, junior. Maybe we can live without libraries, people like you and me.... Maybe. Sure, we're too old to change the world. What about that kid, sitting down, opening a book right now in a branch of the local library and finding pictures of pee-pees and wee-wees in The Cat in the Hat and The Five Chinese Brothers. Doesn't he deserve better? Look, if you think this is about overdue fines and missing books, you'd better think again. This is about that kid's right to read a book without getting his mind warped. Or maybe that turns you on, Seinfeld... Maybe that's how you get your kicks... You and your goodtime buddies... I've got a flash for you, joy boy. Partytime is over."
- Lt. Bookman, in "The Library"
"Columbus? Euro-trash."
- Jerry, in "The Library"
"You'd better not screw up again, Seinfeld, because if you do, I'll be all over you like a pitbull on a poodle."
- Lt. Bookman, in "The Library"
*
"Why do I always have the feeling everybody's doing something better than me on Saturday afternoons?"
- Jerry, in "The Parking Garage"
"Fish... What do they do?"
"What do *you* do?"
- George and Elaine, in "The Parking Garage"
"I'm trying to live my life!"
- George, in "The Parking Garage"
"You get within fifteen feet of that woman, she'd have her finger on the mace button."
- Jerry, to George, in "The Parking Garage"
"We're like rats in some experiment."
- George, in "The Parking Garage"
"There's too much urinary freedom in this society. I'm proud to hold it in. It builds character."
- Jerry, in "The Parking Garage"
"If I am not in front of my building at 6:15 when my parents get there, they are going to put me on an aggravation installment plan that will compound with interest for decades."
- George, in "The Parking Garage"
"I can't carry a pen. I'm afraid I'll puncture my scrotum."
- George, in "The Parking Garage"
"We're not skinheads."
- Elaine, trying to convince a man to drive her around the garage, in "The Parking Garage"
"It's amazing how shopping makes me have to go. How does my bladder know I'm in a department store?"
- Jerry, in "The Parking Garage"
"You know, I've been issued a public urination pass by the city because of my condition. Unfortunately, my little brother ran out of the house with it this morning. Him and his friends are probably peeing all over the place."
- Jerry, in "The Parking Garage"
"What's the difference? We'll all be dead eventually."
"Does that bother you?"
"Yeah, it bothers me. Doesn't it bother you?"
"Not at all."
"You see, now that bothers me even more than dying bothers me, because it's people like you who live to be 120 because you're not bothered by it. How can it not bother you?"
"Well, I once saw this thing on TV with people who are terminally ill. Everyone of them believed that the secret of life is just to live every moment."
"Yeah, I've heard that. Meanwhile, I'm here with you in a parking garage in Jersey."
- George and Kramer, in "The Parking Garage"
*
"She thinks I'm a nice guy. Women always think I'm nice. But women don't want nice."
- George, in "The Cafe"
"Why is nice bad? What kind of a sick society are we living in when nice is bad?"
- George, in "The Cafe"
"People think I'm smart, but I'm not smart."
"Who thinks you're smart?"
- George and Jerry, in "The Cafe"
"Why is what I do so important? Why must I always be the focal point of attention? Let me just be. Let me live."
- George, in "The Cafe"
"Hey, I love a good caper."
- Jerry, in "The Cafe"
"I meet a lot of women in this jacket. They're attracted to it."
- Kramer, in "The Cafe"
"Isn't there like a statue of limitations on that?"
"Statute."
"What?"
"Statute of limitations. It's not a statue."
"No, it's statue."
"Fine, it's a sculpture of limitations."
- Kramer and Jerry, in "The Cafe"
"You see everything, don't you?"
"Well, you know, not everything. I do what I can."
- Babu and Jerry, in "The Cafe"
"I had a sandwich in my pocket."
- George, explaining how he got food on his IQ test, in "The Cafe"
"Hey, do me a favor. If some guy comes around looking for me, tell him you don't know where I am."
"Of course, I always do."
"No, no, it's that guy. He's really been bugging me about the jacket."
"Just give it back to him."
"He'll have to kill me."
- Kramer, Jerry and Elaine, in "The Cafe"
"You should've seen her face. It was the exact same look my father gave me when I told him I wanted to be a ventriloquist."
- George, in "The Cafe"
"Where are people? You see people? Show me people! There are no people!"
- Babu, after taking Jerry's advice and serving only Pakistani food, in "The Cafe"
*
"You know how the big toe is the captain of the toes, but sometimes the toe next to the big toe gets so big that there's a power struggle and the second toe assumes control of the foot."
"The coup de toe!"
- George and Jerry, in "The Tape"
"The Chinese have done it my friend, the Chinese have done it!"
- George, excited about a cure for baldness, in "The Tape"
"I wanna slide my tongue around you like a snake."
- Elaine, in "The Tape"
"Elaine, have you ever gone out with a bald man?"
"No."
"You know what that makes you? A baldist."
- Jerry and Elaine, in "The Tape"
"You stink!"
- Kramer to George, in "The Tape"
"How often do you cut your toenails?"
- Kramer, in "The Tape"
"I think I'll get going..."
"Stick around a while!"
"It's early!"
"We'll order in Chinese!"
- Elaine, George, Jerry and Kramer, after Elaine admits to being the sexy voice on Jerry's tape, in "The Tape"
*
"You won't think I'm a bad person?"
"Too late for that."
- George and Jerry, in "The Nose Job"
"I'm your fiancé. Peter Von Nostrand."
- Kramer, to Elaine, in "The Nose Job"
"It's amazing how many beautiful women live in New York. I actually find it kind of intimidating."
"Well, you're just as pretty as any of them. You just need a nose job."
- Audrey and Kramer, in "The Nose Job"
"I'm going straight to hell."
- George, in "The Nose Job"
"I have never been so repulsed by someone mentally and so attracted to them physically at the same time. It's like my brain is facing my penis in a chess game. And I'm letting him win."
"You're not letting him win. He wins 'til you're forty."
"Then what?"
"He still wins, but it's not a blow-out."
- Jerry and George, in "The Nose Job"
*
"I don't know my alarm sound. I'm not tuned into it like it's my son."
- Jerry, in "The Alternate Side"
"These pretzels are making me thirsty."
- Kramer, practicing his line for a Woody Allen movie, in "The Alternate Side"
"Could you go out with a 66-year-old woman?
"Well, I'll tell ya, she would have to be really vibrant. So vibrant, she'd be spinning."
- Elaine and Jerry, in "The Alternate Side"
"I might have a whole new career here."
"You mean a career."
- Kramer and Jerry, in "The Alternate Side"
"You know what, let's put a few cookies in a blender and he could drink it."
"Cookies don't liquify."
"Yes they do, you can liquify a cookie!"
"Alright, I'll get the blender."
"What blender? I don't have a blender."
"You've got a blender."
"I would know if I had a blender."
- Elaine, Jerry and Kramer, in "The Alternate Side"
"Moving cars from one side of the street to the other don't take no more sense than puttin' on a pair of pants. My question to you is: who's puttin' your pants on?"
- Sid to George, in "The Alternate Side"
"I'll be ostracized from the community."
"What community? There's a community?"
"Of course there's a community."
"All these years I'm living in a community, I had no idea."
- Elaine and Jerry in "The Alternate Side"
"Can you die from an odor?"
- Elaine, in "The Alternate Side"
"Yankee beans, Yankee beans, I like my Yankee beans."
- Elaine, in "The Alternate Side"
*
"I like Art Vandelay."
"Art Vandelay?"
"He's an obscure writer. Beatnik. From the village."
"What's he written?"
"Venetian Blinds."
- George and Mr. Littman, in "The Red Dot"
"I never feel comfortable in the women's department. I feel like I'm just a little too close to trying on a dress."
- Jerry, in "The Red Dot"
"I see a very cheap man holding a sweater trying to get away with something."
- Jerry, to George, in "The Red Dot"
"Would you do me a favor?"
"Okay."
"Would you take a drink and let us smell you?"
"You can smell me without the drink."
- Jerry and Kramer, in "The Red Dot"
"I've always been attracted to cleaning women. Cleaning women, chamber maids."
"Yeah, chamber maids. I'm attracted to them too."
"Why is that?"
"It's a woman in your room."
- George and Jerry, in "The Red Dot"
"I don't know if it was the alcohol or the ammonia, but the next thing I knew she was mopping the floor with me."
- George, in "The Red Dot"
"What are you saying?"
"I'm not saying anything."
"You're saying something."
"What could I be saying?"
"Well, you're not saying nothing. You must be saying something."
"If I was saying something, I would've said it."
"Why don't you say it?"
"I said it."
"What'd you say?"
"Nothing."
- Jerry and Elaine, in "The Red Dot"
"It's exhausting being with you."
- Elaine, to Jerry, in "The Red Dot"
"Was that wrong? Should I not have done that?"
- George, after sleeping with the cleaning woman, in "The Red Dot"
*
"I always get the feeling that when lesbians look at me, they're thinking, 'That's why I'm not a heterosexual.'"
- George, in "The Subway"
"What am I, made of money? You bunch of deadbeats!"
- Elaine, stuck with the check again, in "The Subway"
"Looking for the quotes. Gotta check the quotes. Love a good quote."
- George, trying to impress a woman, in "The Subway"
"Big brokerage houses killed my father."
- George, still trying to impress a woman, in "The Subway"
"It's ironic."
"What's ironic?"
"This. That we've come all this way, we made all this progress, but, you know, we lost the little things, the niceties."
"No, I mean, what does `ironic' mean?"
- Elaine and woman on subway, in "The Subway"
"My luck. I don't talk to a soul on the subway for thirty-five years. I get the best man at a lesbian wedding."
- A woman on the subway, talking to Elaine, in "The Subway"
"I'm not a lesbian. I hate men, but I'm not a lesbian!"
- Elaine, in "The Subway"
"His mother was a mudder... His father was a mudder."
- Kramer, in "The Subway"
"You realize, of course, you're naked."
"Naked, dressed, I don't see any difference."
"You ought to sit *here*. There's a difference."
"You got something against a naked body?"
"I got something against yours. How about a couple deep knee bends, maybe some squat thrusts."
"Who's got time for squat thrusts?"
"All right, how 'bout skippin' breakfast? I'm guessing you're not a half-grapefruit and black coffee man."
"I like a good breakfast."
"I understand, I like a good breakfast. As long as you don't wind up trapped in a room in bib overalls and pigtails being counseled by Dick Gregory."
"I'm not ashamed of my body."
"Exactly. That's your problem. You should be."
- Jerry and the Naked Guy, in "The Subway"
"Tell you what, if they win the pennant this year, I'll sit naked with you at the World Series."
- Jerry, to the naked guy, in "The Subway"
"You can't just leave me here! Will I see you again?"
- George, after being robbed by a beautiful woman, in "The Subway"
"Biff! What, did you whistle in the elevator?"
- Jerry, seeing George walk into the diner wearing nothing but a sheet, in "The Subway"
*
"I have no power. Why should she have the upper hand? Once in my life I would like the upper hand. I have no hand. No hand at all. She has the hand. I have no hand."
- George, in "The Pez Dispenser"
"We all want the hand. Hand is tough to get."
- Jerry, in "The Pez Dispenser"
"What is that? A Pez dispenser?"
- Jerry, in "The Pez Dispenser"
"Anyone who would laugh at a recital is probably some sort of lunatic anyway. I mean, only a sick, twisted mind could be that rude and ignorant."
"Well, maybe some mental defective put something stupid on her leg."
"Even if this so-called mental defective did put something on her leg, she's still the one who laughed."
- Jerry and Elaine, in "The Pez Dispenser"
"I don't have a good apartment for an intervention. The furniture, it's very non-confrontational."
- Jerry, in "The Pez Dispenser"
"What are you saying, you don't want me to intervene?"
"No, intervene. Go ahead, intervene all you want. I'm just afraid you might be interfering while we're intervening."
- Kramer and Jerry, in "The Pez Dispenser"
"A man without hand is not a man. I've got so much hand I'm coming out of my gloves."
- George, in "The Pez Dispenser"
*
"If you named a kid Rasputin, do you think that would have a negative effect on his life?"
- Jerry, in "The Suicide"
"I wonder what Gandhi ate before his fasts?"
"I heard he used to polish off a box of Triscuits. Oh yeah, Gandhi loved Triscuits."
- Elaine and Jerry, in "The Suicide"
"What kind of a man are you?"
"I'm a man who respects a good coma."
- Gina and Jerry, in "The Suicide"
"I don't get that whole suicide machine. There's no tall buildings where these people live? They can't wrap their lips around a revolver like a normal person?"
- Jerry, in "The Suicide"
"The guy is unconscious in a coma and you don't have the guts to kiss his girlfriend?"
"I didn't know what the coma etiquette was."
"There is no coma etiquette. See, that's the beauty of the coma, man. It doesn't matter what you do around it."
"So you're saying his girl, his car, his clothes, it's all up for grabs. You can just loot the coma victim."
"I give them twenty-four hours to get out of it. If they can't get out of it by twenty-four hours, it's a land rush."
- Kramer and Jerry, in "The Suicide"
"A plane crash? A heart attack? Lupus? Is it lupus?"
- George, after a psychic's vague warning, in "The Suicide"
"You can say what you want about me, but I'll be damned if I'm going to stand here while you insult my toothbrush."
- Jerry, to Gina, in "The Suicide"
"The carpet sweeper is the biggest scam perpetrated on the American public since one-hour martinizing."
- Kramer, in "The Suicide"
*
"It's hard enough to meet a woman you dislike, much less like."
- George, in "The Fix-Up"
"Are my nostrils getting bigger?"
- Jerry, in "The Fix-Up"
"I don't want hope. Hope is killing me. My dream is to become hopeless. When you're hopeless you don't care. And when you don't care, that indifference makes you attractive."
"So, hopelessness is the key?"
"It's my only hope."
- George and Jerry, in "The Fix-Up"
"Order me a piece of cake. I'm gonna go throw up."
- Cynthia, in "The Fix-Up"
"Your standards are too high."
"I went out with you."
"That's because my standards are too low."
- Elaine and Jerry, in "The Fix-Up"
"What am I, a hooker?"
- Elaine, in "The Fix-Up"
"You wouldn't know it to look at him, but George can bait a hook."
- Jerry, in "The Fix-Up"
"I like flowing, cascading hair. Thick, lustrous hair is important to me."
- George, in "The Fix-Up"
"Can't you two see... that you're in LOVE with each other?"
- Kramer, breaking up Jerry and Elaine's fight, in "The Fix-Up"
"The next one of you that opens up your mouth and says something, you're gonna have to deal with me!"
- Kramer, breaking up a fight between Jerry and George, in "The Fix-Up"
"I was just trying to help your bitter, twisted friend."
"She's not bitter."
"Well, bitter's a judgement call, but she's twisted."
- Jerry and Elaine, in "The Fix-Up"
"My boys can swim!"
- George, learning that he might be a father, in "The Fix-Up"
*
"Jerry, he's a *guy*"
- Elaine to Jerry, who is concerned about making a good impression on his new friend Keith Hernandez, in "The Boyfriend"
"There had to have been a second spitter."
- Jerry, in "The Boyfriend"
"That must've been one magic loogie."
- Jerry, during a reenactment of the spitting incident with Kramer and Newman, in "The Boyfriend"
"You like gum? I got a gum guy!"
- George to unemployment office worker, in "The Boyfriend"
"And you want to be my latex salesman."
- Jerry, to George, in "The Boyfriend"
*
"Who's gonna be O'Brien?"
"I'll be O'Brien."
"Who am I?"
"You're you."
"Just me?"
"Yeah."
"Okay...."
"You don't want to be you?"
"Well, if you're gonna be O'Brien, why can't I be somebody?"
"Like who?"
"Dylan Murphy."
"Okay..."
"What? Now you want to be Dylan Murphy?"
"Well, I like Dylan."
"You can be Colin."
"Colin O'Brien."
"I'm Dylan Murphy."
"I'm Colin O'Brien."
- Jerry and George, in "The Limo"
"Hello, Ma? It's me. Guess where I am? In the back of a limo. No, nobody died. It's a long story, I can't tell you now. Because I can't. I said I can't. If I could, I would. Would you stop it. All right, look, I'm getting off. No, I'm not telling you. How's this - I'm never telling you. I don't care. No. Fine. Never!"
- George, in "The Limo"
"I'm telling you, the jig is up."
"It was a bad jig to begin with. We never should've started this jig."
"It was a good jig."
"It was a bad jig. A terrible terrible jig."
- George and Jerry, in "The Limo"
"Let's just jump out of the car."
"We're doing sixty miles per hour."
"So, we jump and roll. You won't get hurt."
"Who are you, Mannix?"
- George and Jerry, in "The Limo"
"You took a cab?"
"Yeah, so?"
"How much do you make?"
"I'm not telling you."
"Ah, c'mon, I'll tell you how much I make."
"I know how much you make."
- Kramer and Elaine, in "The Limo"
"Nice lookin' Luger."
- Jerry, in "The Limo"
"Did you see the way she was looking at me?"
"She's a Nazi, George, a Nazi!"
"I know, I know. Kind of a cute Nazi, though."
- George and Jerry, in "The Limo"
I can't run. I have a bad hamstring."
"How'd that happen?"
"I hurt it in a hotel room. You know the way they tuck the covers in real tight in those hotel rooms? I can't sleep like that, so I tried to kick it out and I pulled it."
- George and Jerry, in "The Limo"
"They can't shoot us in the city."
"Naah, no one's ever been shot in the city."
- George and Jerry, in "The Limo"
"There's always been something very strange about Jerry. Always so clean and organized."
- Kramer, in "The Limo"
"I know Jerry. He's not a Nazi. No. He's just neat."
- Elaine, in "The Limo"
"I may not look like a Murphy, but I act like a Murphy."
- Jerry, in "The Limo"
"And the peat...aaah, the peat!"
- Jerry, in "The Limo"
"Jerry, he's too normal to be a comedian."
- Kramer, in "The Limo"
"I am not O'Brien!"
- George, in "The Limo"
*
"I'm speechless. Speechless! I have no speech."
- George, in "The Good Samaritan"
"I don't think I'm special. My mother always said I'm not special."
- George, in "The Good Samaritan"
"I said 'God bless you.' Was that so wrong?"
"The question is, did you allow a space for the husband to come in with his 'God bless you,' because as the husband he has the right to first refusal."
"Yes, yes, I definitely waited. But let me say this. Once he passes on that option, that 'God bless you' is up for grabs."
"No argument. Unless she's one of these multiple sneezers and he's holding his 'God bless you' in abeyance until she completes the series."
"Well, I don't think she is a multiple sneezer, because she sneezed again later and it was also a single."
"What if she's having an off night?"
- George and Jerry, in "The Good Samaritan"
"If you want to make a person feel better after they sneeze, you shouldn't say 'God bless you.' You should say 'You're so good looking!'"
- Jerry, in "The Good Samaritan"
"Oh my god. An affair. It's so adult. It's like with stockings and martinis and William Holden. On the other hand, it probably wouldn't cost me any money."
- George, in "The Good Samaritan"
"I actually owe it to society to do something about this. I can't sit by and allow this to go on. It's a moral issue is what it is."
"You can't compromise your principles."
"How am I going to live with myself?"
"Can't live."
"I'm not religious but I certainly know where to draw the line."
"This country needs more people like you."
"Don't sell yourself short saying 'God bless you' to every Tom, Dick and Harry at great personal risk."
"I believe strongly in that as you know."
"There should be more people like us."
"That's why the world's in the shape that it's in."
- Jerry and George, in "The Good Samaritan"
"How hard is it to lie?"
"It's not that hard."
- George and Jerry, in "The Good Samaritan"
*
"I like the button fly. That is one place on my wardrobe I do not need sharp interlocking metal teeth. It's a mink trap down there."
- Jerry, in "The Letter"
"I don't get art."
"There's nothing to get."
"No, it always has to be explained to me, and then I have to have someone explain the explanation."
- George and Jerry, in "The Letter"
"I sense great vulnerability. A man-child crying out for love. An innocent orphan in the post-modern world."
"I see a parasite. A sexually depraved miscreant who is seeking only to gratify his basest and most immediate urges."
"His struggle is man's struggle. He lifts my spirit."
"He is a loathsome, offensive brute. Yet I can't look away."
"He transcends time and space."
"He sickens me."
"I love it."
"Me too."
- An elderly art loving couple, admiring the painting of Kramer, in "The Letter"
"I love a good posse."
"What's the appeal of the posse?"
"The appeal of the posse? Posse has tremendous appeal. Get away from the job, you camp out, you're with friends. I mean, come on, it's a week-long game of hide-and-go-seek on horseback."
- Jerry and Nina, in "The Letter"
*
"You scared me!"
"It's just me."
"That's enough!"
- Jerry and Kramer, bumping into each other in Jerry's apartment, in "The Keys"
"You were so fast with those keys."
- Jerry's date, in "The Keys"
"I broke the covenant of the keys."
- Kramer, returning Jerry's keys, in "The Keys"
"I was clinging to those keys, man, like a branch on the banks of a raging river, and now I have let go and I'm free to go with the current, to float, and I thank you."
- Kramer, in "The Keys"
"Do you ever yearn?"
- Kramer, in "The Keys"
"Having the keys to Jerry's apartment - that kept me in a fantasy world. Every time I went over to his house it was like a vacation: better food, better view, better TV, cleaner, oh, *much* cleaner. That became my reality. I ignored the squalor in my own life because I'm looking at life, you see, through Jerry's eyes. I was living in the twilight, living in the shadows, living in the darkness... like you."
"Me?!"
"Oh, I can barely see you, George."
"Stop it Kramer, you're freakin' me out."
- Kramer and George, in "The Keys"
"Do you have any conceivable reason for even getting up in the morning?"
"I like to get the Daily News."
- Kramer and George, in "The Keys"
"I gotta get some new friends."
- Elaine, in "The Keys"
"Up here, I'm already gone."
- Kramer, in "The Keys"
"Hey Kramer, have you ever killed a man?!"
"What do you think Junior? You think these hands - they've been soaking in Ivory Liquid?"
- Punk dude and Kramer, in "The Keys"
"Don't you see? You're just avoiding the middleman. You were gonna give her her spare keys and she was gonna give 'em to me. So all that's happening is that instead of giving them to her you're giving them to me. It's just unfortunate that when she gave you yours you didn't give her hers because then she would've given them to me. So then I would never have had to ask you for hers so I could get mine."
"You're right. How did I miss that? (mumbling) Maybe cuz' it's a crock o' sh...."
"What's that?"
"Nothing."
"I heard something..."
- Jerry and George, in "The Keys"
*
"My personal acting technique is working with color. Imagining, then finding the emotional vibrational mood connected to the color. See, if you look through my scripts, you see that all my lines have a special color. So, I don't memorize language, I memorize colors. This way I can go through red, yellow, green, blue, and you have a full palette of emotions."
- Kramer gives a lecture, in "The Trip"
"I happen to dress based on mood."
"But you essentially wear the same thing all the time."
"Seemingly, but within that basic framework there are many subtle variations only discernible to an acute observer that reflect the many moods, the many shades, the many sides of George Costanza."
"And what mood is this?"
"This is morning mist."
- George and Jerry, in "The Trip"
"I've always been a little nervous about these things. I'm afraid I'm going to step through into another dimension."
- George, before going through a metal detector, in "The Trip"
"I must have iron-rich blood."
- Jerry, after setting off the metal detector, in "The Trip"
"I'm not crazy. I may look weird, but I'm just like you... I'm just a regular guy."
- Kramer, talking to Fred Savage, in "The Trip"
"Body lotion! Jerry, body lotion!"
- George, excited about the hotel room, in "The Trip"
"That's one tuck, one no-tuck."
- George, in "The Trip"
"I like to be able to take the blankets and swish them and swirl them."
- George, in "The Trip"
"He's a very handsome man. Passionate, intense, but troubled, strange. I think he may be in love with me. Of course, there's nothing abnormal about that. I have many suitors."
- Elena, the out-of-work-for-58-years actress, in "The Trip"
"A payphone in L.A. Look, it's a miracle."
- George, in "The Trip"
"I hate asking for change. They always make a face. It's like asking them to donate a kidney."
- George, in "The Trip"
"Hello, 911? How are ya?"
- Jerry, in "The Trip"
"Hey officer! He's foolin' around back here!"
- Jerry, while he and George ride around in a "black & white", in "The Trip"
"You know what I've never understood? Why did they change the siren noise? When I was a kid, it was always 'WAAAAAH WAAAAAH' and now it's 'WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO'. Why'd they do that? I mean, did they do some research? Did they find out that WOO-WOO was a more effective siren than WAAAH?"
"Hey, and what about those English sirens? 'EEE YAAAH, EEE YAAAH, EEE YAAAH, EEE YAAAH'..."
- George and Jerry, in "The Trip"
"Hey, how'd you know about the guy in the park?"
- Kramer, to the police detective, in "The Trip"
"I'm doin' what I do, the way I've always done it, and the way I'll always do it."
- Kramer, in "The Trip"
"If I owned a company, my employees would love me. They'd have huge pictures of me up on the walls and in their home, like Lenin."
- George, in "The Trip"
*
"What did they do for toilet paper in the Civil War?"
"What?"
"I wonder what toilet paper was like in the 1860's. Did they carry it in rolls in their duffel bags?"
"Everything with you comes down to toilet paper."
"What?"
"That's always the first question with you. Why is that always your focus?"
"Alright, then what did they do?"
"I don't know. Maybe they gave out big loose clumps to all the soldiers."
"I think it would be nice if there was some sort of historical record of it."
"Maybe they should have a toilet paper museum. Would you like that? So we could see all the toilet paper advancements down through the ages. Toilet paper during the Crusades, the development of the perforation, the first six-pack."
- George and Jerry, in "The Pitch"
"They want you to do a TV show?"
"Well, they want me to come up with an idea. I don't have any ideas."
"C'mon, how hard is that? Look at all the junk that's on TV."
- George and Jerry, in "The Pitch"
"Salsa is now the number one condiment in America."
"Do you know why? Because people like to say 'Salsa!'"
- George and Jerry, in "The Pitch"
"It's about nothing."
- George, on his idea for Jerry's TV show, in "The Pitch"
"I think you may have something here."
- Jerry, on George's idea, in "The Pitch"
"Well, why am I watching it?"
"Because it's on TV."
"Not yet."
- Russell and George, in "The Pitch"
"Artistic integrity. Where did you come up with that? You're not artistic and you have no integrity."
- Jerry, to George, in "The Pitch"
"You really need some help. A regular psychiatrist couldn't even help you. You need to go to, like, Vienna or something. You know what I mean? You need to get involved at the university level, like where Freud studied, and have all those people looking at you and checking up on you. That's the kind of help you need. Not the once-a-week for eighty bucks, no. You need a team. A team of psychiatrists working around the clock, thinking about you, having conferences, observing you like the way they did with the elephant man. That's what I'm talking about, because that's the only way you're going to get better."
- Jerry, to George, in "The Pitch"
"Hi. Would you be interested in switching over to TMI Long Distance service?"
"Oh, gee, I can't talk right now. Why don't you give me your home number and I'll call you later."
"Uh, sorry, we're not allowed to do that."
"Oh, I guess you don't want people calling you at home."
"No."
"Well, now you know how I feel."
- Telemarketer and Jerry, in "The Pitch"
*
"I thought you were happy-go-lucky."
"No, no, no, I'm not happy, I'm not lucky, and I don't go. If anything, I'm sad-stop-unlucky."
- Naomi and Jerry, in "The Bubble Boy"
"You think I laugh like Elmer Fudd sitting on a juicer?"
- Naomi, in "The Bubble Boy"
"That's pie country. They do a lot of baking up there."
"They sell them by the side of the road. Blueberry blackberry."
"Blackberry boysenberry."
"Boysenberry huckleberry."
"Huckleberry raspberry."
"Raspberry strawberry."
"Strawberry cranberry."
"Peach."
- George and Jerry, in "The Bubble Boy"
"We're making incredible time here."
- George, in "The Bubble Boy"
"Hey, I am not a prude, sweetheart. I swing with the best of them."
- George, in "The Bubble Boy"
"I can't face the bubble boy."
- George, in "The Bubble Boy"
"Nothing's finer than being in your diner?"
- Elaine, reading what Jerry wrote on an autographed photo, in "The Bubble Boy"
"What are you looking at? You never seen a kid in a bubble before?"
- Donald the bubble boy, in "The Bubble Boy"
"Moops!"
- George, playing Trivial Pursuit with the bubble boy, stubbornly
insisting that a typo on the game card is the correct answer instead
of "Moors," in "The Bubble Boy"
"My cubans!"
- Kramer, worried about his cigars, in "The Bubble Boy"
*
"Jerry, Joe Davola. I have a hair on my tongue. Can't get it off. You know how much I hate that? Of course you do. You put it there. I know what you said about me, Seinfeld. I know you badmouthed me to the execs at NBC. Put the kibosh on my deal. Now I'm gonna put the kibosh on you. You know I've kiboshed before. And I will kibosh again."
- Crazy Joe Davola, leaving a message on Jerry's answering machine, in "The Opera"
"I don't like the opera. What are they singing for? Who sings? You got something to say, say it."
- Jerry, in "The Opera"
"You left your door open."
"I know. I like to encourage intruders."
- Elaine and Joe Davola, in "The Opera"
"But officer, he threatened me. I don't understand, that's not right. What if it was the President of the United States, I bet you'd investigate. Well, so what? What's the difference? I'm a comedian of the United States. And I'll tell you, I'm under just as much pressure."
- Jerry, to a police officer, in "The Opera"
"I thought you said people dressed up when they go to the opera?"
"People do. I don't."
- Jerry and Kramer, in "The Opera"
"We're friends. If I'm going to be uncomfortable, you gotta be uncomfortable too!"
- George, to Jerry, in "The Opera"
"You sprayed him in the eyes with Binaca?"
"Cherry Binaca. It's new."
- Jerry and Elaine, in "The Opera"
"You know, it is so sad. All your knowledge of high culture comes from Bugs Bunny cartoons."
- Elaine, to Jerry, in "The Opera"
*
"I'm not married. I'm not allowed to go out with somebody else?"
"It depends."
"Depends on what?"
"On many factors."
"Like what?"
"Well, how long you've been seeing her. What's your phone call frequency? Are you on a daily?"
"No. Semi-daily. Four or five times a week."
"What about Saturday nights? Do you have to ask her out, or is a date implied?"
"Implied."
"She got anything in your medicine cabinet?"
"Might be some moisturizer."
"Let me ask you this... Is there any Tampax in your house?"
"Yeah."
"Well, I'll tell you what you got here. You've got yourself a girlfriend."
"Do you believe my luck? The first time in my life I have a good answer to the question 'What do you do?' and I have a girlfriend. I mean, you don't need a girlfriend when you can answer that question. That's what you say in order to get girlfriends. Once you can get girlfriends, you don't want a girlfriend, you just want more girlfriends."
- George and Jerry, in "The Virgin"
"What? Was it something I said?"
"She's a virgin. She just told me."
"I didn't know."
"Well, it's not like spotting a toupee."
- Elaine and Jerry, about Marla, in "The Virgin"
"They always remember the first time."
"I don't want to be remembered. I want to be forgotten."
- Jerry and George, in "The Virgin"
"This whole sex thing is totally overrated. Now, the one thing you gotta be ready for is how the man changes into a completely different person five seconds after it's over. I mean, something happens to their personality. It's really quite astounding. It's like they committed a crime and they want to flee the scene before the police get there."
"So they just leave?"
"Yeah, pretty much. Well, the smart ones start working on their getaway stories during dinner. How, you know, they gotta get up early tomorrow. It's always about being up early. They all turn into farmers suddenly."
- Elaine and Marla, in "The Virgin"
"Yes, I was very wise to hitch my wagon to his star."
- Jerry, about George, in "The Virgin"
*
"You'll be out before we get the check!"
- Jerry, to Kramer, who wants in on "The Contest"
"Hey, lemme ask you a question -- in these nudist colonies, do they eat naked in the dining room?"
"I would imagine it's all naked."
"What about the chambermaids, are they naked too?"
"They're naked. The gardener's naked. Bellhops. It's one big Nude-O-Rama."
- Jerry and George, in "The Contest"
"Too bad you couldn't do *that* for a living... You'd be very successful at it. You could sell out Madison Square Garden. Thousands of people could watch you. You could be a big star!"
- George's mother, chastising her son for treating his body like "an amusement park," in "The Contest"
"Yeah... butt... butt... Great butt... John John's butt..."
- Elaine, almost speechless after finding out that John F. Kennedy Jr. will be in her aerobics class, in "The Contest"
"Good night. Not just a good night... a *great* night!"
- Jerry to Marla, in "The Contest"
"Are you Master of your Domain?"
"I am King of the County. You?"
"Lord of the Manor."
"I'm Queen of the castle!"
- Jerry, George and Elaine, in "The Contest"
"So, you're still Master of your Domain?"
"Yes, yes I am. Master of my domain. But I will tell you this: I'm going over to her apartment and I'm tellin' her to put those shades down!"
"Wait, wait wait... Whoa, whoa whoa-- what did you just say?"
"I can't take it any more! She's drivin' me crazy. I can't sleep, I can't leave the house. When I'm here I'm climbin' the walls. Meanwhile I'm datin' a virgin, I'm in this contest... something's gotta give!"
"Do you hear what you're saying? Can you hear it? This is a beautiful woman walking around naked, and you want to tell her to stop!? That's the *dumbest* thing I ever heard. I mean, it's incomprehens-- I'm not gonna let you do it!"
"Well, I'm doin' it. Get out of my way..."
"No, you can't! This is something that comes about once in a lifetime. When we were boys looking through our bedroom windows we would think, 'Why can't there be a woman out there taking her clothes off?' And now that wish has come true and you want to... pfffft... throw it away?!"
- Kramer and Jerry, fighting over the woman across the street, in "The Contest"
"Okay, you tryin' to hurt me? You tryin' to hurt me? You're tryin 'to injure me, right? You're tryin to hurt me..."
- Elaine, who can't believe that JFK Jr. is interested in her, in "The Contest"
"The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round..."
"The woman across the block has nothing on, nothing on, nothing on..."
"The washers on the bus go woosh woosh woosh, woosh woosh woosh..."
"The woman across the block has nothing on, nothing on, nothing on..."
- Jerry and Kramer, in "The Contest"
"Where did you get those socks?!"
"I dunno..."
"I think those are *my* socks!"
"How are these *your* socks?"
"I dunno, but those are *my* socks! I had a pair just like that with the blue stripe and now I don't *have* them anymore!"
"Oh yeah, that's right, you fell asleep one day on the sofa and I took them off your stinkin' feet, they looked so good to me, I just had to have 'em!!!
"Yeah, well, they're *MY SOCKS*!"
"They're my socks!!!"
- George and Jerry, in "The Contest"
"You caved?!"
"It's over!?!"
"You're out?!?"
"Oh my God, the Queen is dead!"
"I figured you'd cruise, at least through the spring..."
- George and Jerry, reacting with shock at the news that Elaine has dropped out of "The Contest"
*
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