Ok, so I'll admit I'm addicted.....
2
For Fans Only.... Memorable Quotes!!!
(mostly stolen from pkmeko.com)
"I hate rental cars. Nothing ever works: the window doesn't work, the radio doesn't work... and it smells like a cheap hooker."
- Jerry, in "The Airport"
"You see? Never be late for a plane with a girl. 'Cuz a girl runs like a girl-- with the little steps and the arms flailing out... You wanna make this plane, you've gotta run like a man! Get your knees up!"
- Jerry, to Elaine, in "The Airport"
"I can not express to you the feeling I get from a perfect airport pickup."
- George, in "The Airport"
"I like to stop at the duty free shop!"
- George and Kramer, singing, in "The Airport"
"Look at you! You run like a girl! Run like a man! Lift your knees!"
- Kramer to George, in "The Airport"
"You *cannot* abandon people in the middle of an airport pickup! It's a binding social contract. We must go forward, not back."
- George, in "The Airport"
"You know what? They got the fudge on the bottom - ya see? That enables you to control your fudge distribution as you're eating your ice cream."
- Jerry, eating a sundae, in "The Airport"
"I never met a man who knew so much about nothing."
- Tia the model to Jerry, in "The Airport"
"More anything?"
"More everything!"
- Airline attendant and Jerry, who is enjoying his first class meal, in "The Airport"
"Oh, you got *cookies*!"
- Elaine, sneaking into first class, in "The Airport"
*
"I could have been a millionaire!! I could have been a FRAGRANCE millionaire!!!"
- Kramer, in Jerry's apartment, after smelling Elaine and realizing that Calvin Klein stole his cologne idea, in "The Pick"
"That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me."
- Jerry, in "The Pick"
"You want a Christmas card? You want a Christmas card? Here's your Christmas card!!!"
- Elaine to George, as she grabs his head and pulls it into her chest, in "The Pick"
"No pick! NO PICK!"
- Jerry, after being caught in the middle of a dubious nose scratch, in "The Pick"
"If we pick, do we not bleed?!"
- Jerry, in "The Pick"
"His buttocks are sublime."
- A Calvin Klein executive, admiring Kramer, in "The Pick"
*
"A guy who's about five foot eleven, he's got uh, a big head and flared nostrils."
- Kramer, describing Jerry, in "The Movie"
"Like, a horse face, big teeth, and a pointed nose."
- George, describing Jerry, in "The Movie"
"A short guy with glasses, looked like Humpty Dumpty with a melon head."
- The ticket lady, describing George, in "The Movie"
"A pretty woman, you know, kinda short, big wall of hair, face like a frying pan."
- George, describing Elaine, in "The Movie"
"Have you seen a tall, lanky dufus with a bird face and hair like the bride of Frankenstein?"
- Elaine, describing Kramer, in "The Movie"
"I don't want a movie hot dog. I want a Papaya King hot dog!"
- Kramer, in "The Movie"
"George, you're sappin' my strength."
- Elaine, in "The Movie"
"Do you think I need to lose some weight?
"Weight? No, you just need some height."
- Pat and Jerry, in "The Movie"
"No, I'm not riffing. I'm ignoring. Do you understand the difference?"
- Jerry, to his annoying colleague Pat, in "The Movie"
"No, I don't want to go to a mini-plex multi-theater! It's not a theater, it's like a room where they bring in POW's to show them propaganda films."
- Elaine, in "The Movie"
"Men can sit through the most pointless, boring movie if there's even the slightest possibility that a woman will take her top off."
- Elaine, in "The Movie"
"Can I have a medium diet coke?"
"Do you want the medium size or the middle size?"
"What's the difference?"
"Well, we have three sizes - medium, large and jumbo."
"What happened to the small?"
"There is no small. Small's medium."
"What's medium?"
"Medium's large and large is jumbo."
"Okay, give me the large."
"That's medium."
"Right. Can I have a small popcorn?"
"There is no small. Child-size is small."
"What's medium?"
"Adult."
"Do adults ever order the child-size?"
"Not usually."
"Okay, give me the adult."
"Do you want butter?"
"Is it real butter?"
"It's butter flavoring."
"What is it made of?"
"It's yellow."
- Elaine and a woman behind the snack counter, in "The Movie"
*
"I have no funny friends. I'm the funny one. El-Clowno!"
- George, in "The Visa"
"You're a very very good man."
- Babu to Jerry, in "The Visa"
"Kramer goes to a fantasy camp. His whole life is a fantasy camp. People should plunk down two-thousand dollars to live like him for a week. Do nothing, fall ass-backwards into money, mooch food off your neighbors, and have sex without dating. *That's* a fantasy camp!"
- George, in "The Visa"
"Why don't we just put these two tables together?"
"No no, you can't do that. They're round... it makes an eight...."
- Elaine and George, who doesn't want any company on his date, in "The Visa"
"He thinks that if a woman sees a guy put on a better show, she'll walk out on his show and go see the other show."
- Elaine, about George, in "The Visa"
"Would it kill you not to be so funny all the time? That's all I'm askin'. This woman thinks I'm very funny and now you're gonna be funny, so what am I gonna be? I'm gonna be a short bald guy with glasses who suddenly doesn't seem so funny."
- George, to Jerry, in "The Visa"
"Well, birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year's gone by and how little we've grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, each flicker of the candles on the cake we know it's not to be. That for the rest of our sad, wretched, pathetic lives, this is who we are to the bitter end. Inevitably, irrevocably. Happy birthday? No such thing."
- Jerry, trying not to be funny, in "The Visa"
"Hey! I thought you weren't coming back 'til Monday!?"
"Well, the camp ended a few days early."
"Why?"
"Well, there was an incident."
"What happened?"
"I punched Mickey Mantle in the mouth."
"What!?"
"Yeah, I punched him and they took him to the hospital and then they cancelled the rest of the week."
"You punched *who* in the mouth?"
"Mickey Mantle."
"What happened?"
"Well, you know, we were playin' a game and I was pitching and I was really throwin' some smoke. And uh, Joe Pepitone, he was up and man, that guy... he was crowding the plate!"
"Wow... Joe Pepitone!"
"Yeah, well, Joe Pepitone or not, I own the inside of that plate! So I throw one inside, a little chin music... put him right on his pants, because I got to intimidate when I'm on the mound. Well, the next pitch, he's right back in the same place! So.... I had to plunk him."
"You plunked him?"
"Oh yeah. Well, he throws down his bat, he comes racing up to the mound, next thing both benches are cleared, a brouhaha breaks out between the guys in camp and the old Yankee players, and as I'm trying to get Moose Skowron off one of my teammates, somebody pulls me from behind and I turned around and I *popped* him! I look down and, whoa man! It's Mickey! I punched his lights out! Then Hank Bauer's screaming 'Mickey! Mickey! What have you have done with Mickey?! You killed Mickey!'"
"So what did you do?"
"I got the hell outta there!"
- Jerry, Kramer and Elaine, as Kramer describes the fun he had at camp, in "The Visa"
"You bad man! You very bad man! You very lazy bad man!!"
- Babu, after finding out that Jerry is the reason he's being deported back to Pakistan, in "The Visa"
"Where is Babu? What happened to Babu? Show me Babu!"
- Babu's brother, in "The Visa"
"Snapple?"
"No. Too fruity."
- Elaine and Babu's brother, in "The Visa"
"It's mostly bills, magazines and junk mail, anyway."
"Elaine, that's what mail *is*. Without bills, magazines and junk mail, there *is* no mail."
- Elaine and Jerry, in "The Visa"
"Toasting makes me uncomfortable. But toast I love. Never start the day without a good piece of toast. In fact, let's toast to toast."
- George, trying to be witty, in "The Visa"
"The turbo quadramatic transmission offers you the power and prestige to propel you well into the twenty-first century."
- Elaine, imitating a snooty spokesmodel, in "The Visa"
"Do you ever laugh?"
"Not really. Sometimes when I'm in the tub..."
"That's so sad. What do you do?"
"I'm a comedian."
- Cheryl and Jerry, in "The Visa"
"Nobody is sicker than me."
- George, in "The Visa"
"I am going to save up every rupee. For someday, I will get back to America, and when I do, I will exact vengeance on this man. I cannot forget it. He haunts me. He is a very bad man. Very, very bad man."
- Babu, blaming Jerry for his deportation to Pakistan, in "The Visa"
*
"Divorce is very difficult, especially on the kids. Of course, I'm the result of my parents having stayed together, so you never know."
- George, in "The Shoes"
"Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away."
- Jerry, in "The Shoes"
*
"Not that there's anything wrong with that!"
- Jerry, denying that he is gay, but not wanting to be seen as anti-gay, in "The Outing"
"You can do better than me. You could throw a dart out the window and hit someone better than me. I'm no good!"
- George, trying to get rid of his current girlfriend, in "The Outing"
"Hey, who do you think is the most unattractive world leader?
"Living or all time?"
"All time."
"Well, if it's all time, then there's no contest. It begins and ends with Brezhnev."
"I dunno. You ever get a good look at DeGaulle?"
"Lyndon Johnson was uglier than DeGaulle."
"I got news for you. Golda Meir could make 'em all run up a tree."
- Elaine, Jerry and George, in "The Outing"
"I'm not goin' along. I can just see you in Berlin in 1939 goose-stepping past me: 'C'mon Jerry, go along, go along...'"
- Jerry to George, in "The Outing"
"Yeah, 'cuz I'm single, I'm thin and I'm neat."
"And you get along well with women."
"I guess that leaves me in the clear..."
- Jerry, Elaine and George, on why some people might thing Jerry is gay, in "The Outing"
"Actually it was in gym class. I was trying to climb the ropes and Jerry was spotting me. I kept slipping and burning my thighs and then finally I slipped and fell on Jerry's head. We've been close ever since."
- George, explaining how he and Jerry met, in "The Outing"
"Look, you wanna have sex right now? Do want to have sex with me right now? Let's go! C'mon, let's go baby! C'mon!"
- George, trying to convince a reporter that he's not gay, in "The Outing"
"Ya know, there are tribes in Indonesia where if you keep your coat on in somebody's house, the families go to war!"
- George, in "The Outing"
"Guys And Dolls? Isn't that a lavish, broadway musical?"
"It's Guys And Dolls, not Guys And Guys."
- Jerry and George, still concerned that people might think they're gay, in "The Outing"
"Every day it's something else with you. I don't know anything about you any more. Who are you? What kind of life are you leading? Who knows what you're doing? Maybe you're making porno films."
"Yeah. I'm Buck Naked."
- George's mother and George, in "The Outing"
"I'm gay! I'm a gay man! I'm very, very gay."
"You're gay?"
"Extraordinarily gay. Steeped in gayness."
- George and Allison, as he tries one more tactic to end the relationship, in "The Outing"
*
"Oh, what's the point? When I like them, they don't like me, when they like me, I don't like them. Why can't I act with the ones I like the same way I do with the ones I don't like?"
"Well, you've only got another fifty years or so to go before it'll all be over..."
- George and Jerry, discussing women, in "The Old Man"
"There's gotta be more to life than this. What gives you pleasure?
"Listening to you. I listen to this for fifteen minutes and I'm on top of the world. Your misery is my pleasure."
- George and Jerry, in "The Old Man"
"What kind of a person are you?"
"I think I'm pretty much like you -- only successful."
- George and Jerry, in "The Old Man"
"The alternative media, Jerry. That's where you hear the truth."
- Kramer, in "The Old Man"
"Let me ask you something. What do you do for a living, Newman?"
"I'm a United States postal worker."
"Aren't those the guys that always go crazy and come back with a gun and shoot everybody?"
"Sometimes..."
"Why is that?"
"Because the mail never stops. It just keeps coming and coming and coming, there's never a let-up. It's relentless. Every day it piles up more and more and more! And you gotta get it out but the more you get it out the more it keeps coming in. And then the bar code reader breaks and it's Publisher's Clearing House day!"
- George, Newman and Jerry, in "The Old Man"
"Oh listen, before you go, would you mind changing my diaper? HAA!"
- Sid Fields, who doesn't appreciate Jerry's attempts to be friendly, in "The Old Man"
"What are you talking about? How can you sit there and look me in the eye and tell me that you're not worried?! Don't you have any sense?!! Don't you have a brain!? Are you so completely senile that you don't know what you're talking about anymore!? Wait a second, where are you going?"
"Life's too short to waste on you."
- George and Ben, who, at 85 years-old isn't as worried about dying as George seems to be, in "The Old Man"
"Yeah, I'm a great quitter. It's one of the few things I do well. I come from a long line of quitters. My father was a quitter, my grandfather was a quitter... I was raised to give up."
- George, in "The Old Man"
*
"I usually last about ten minutes on the stairmaster. Unless, of course, there's someone stretching in front of me in a leotard, then I can go an hour. That's why they call it the stairmaster. You get up there and you stare."
- Jerry, in "The Implant"
"Why would I be a leg man? I don't need legs. I have legs."
- Jerry, in "The Implant"
"Every time he tries to make a move, something screws up. Like on their first date, they were on the couch, but she was sitting on his wrong side."
"Wrong side?"
"Yes, she was on his right side. He can't make a move with his left hand. Can't go left."
"He can't go left?"
"No. I'm leftie, can't go right. What about women? Do they go left or right?"
"No, we just play defense."
- Jerry and Elaine, in "The Implant"
"In the whole world right now there's maybe three emergencies. Why would you think on this entire planet that you're one of those three?"
- George, in "The Implant"
"You don't touch the nose. You don't aspire to reach the nose. You don't unhook anything to get to a nose. And no man has ever tried to look up a woman's nostril."
- Jerry, in "The Implant"
"Sometimes when I think you're the shallowest man I've ever met, you somehow manage to drain a little more out of the pool."
- Elaine, to Jerry, in "The Implant"
"It's like a sauna in here."
- Kramer, sitting in a sauna, in "The Implant"
"This confers upon you instant boyfriend status."
- Jerry, to George, in "The Implant"
"Did you just double-dip that chip?"
"Excuse me?"
"You double-dipped the chip."
"Double-dipped? What are you talking about?"
"You dipped the chip, you took a bite, and you dipped again."
"So?"
"That's like putting your whole mouth right in the dip. Look, from now on when you take a chip, just take one dip and end it."
"Well, I'm sorry Timmy, but I don't dip that way."
"Oh, you don't, huh?"
"No. You dip the way you want to dip, I'll dip the way I want to dip."
- Timmy and George, in "The Implant"
"And by the way, they're real and they're spectacular."
- Sidra, to Jerry, in "The Implant"
*
"Yeah, interest. It's an amazing thing. You make money without doing anything..."
"Y'know, I have friends who try to base their whole life on that principle."
"Really? Who?"
"Nobody you know..."
- George and Jerry, in "The Junior Mint"
"Produce section. Very provocative area. A lot of melons and shapes. Everyone's squeezing and smelling..."
- Jerry, describing how he met a woman in the supermarket, in "The Junior Mint"
"Why do I get bananas? They're good for one day..."
- Jerry, in "The Junior Mint"
"Because if I watch it at my apartment I feel like I'm not doing anything. If I watch it here, I'm out of the house; I'm doing something."
- George, explaining why he wants to watch a video at Jerry's place, in "The Junior Mint"
"It's like a ski lodge..."
- Kramer's description of the new look of his apartment after he put up fake-wood wallpaper, in "The Junior Mint"
"Y'know I remember when I was a kid growing up, kids would make fun of my name like you wouldn't believe - 'Jerry Jerry Dingleberry', 'Seinsmelled'..."
- Jerry, in "The Junior Mint"
"Let me just finish my coffee, and then we'll go watch them cut the fat bastard up."
- Jerry to Kramer, in "The Junior Mint"
"Who's gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It's chocolate, it's peppermint -- it's delicious!"
- Kramer, in "The Junior Mint"
"I have no medical evidence to back me up, but something happened during the operation that staved off that infection. Something beyond science. Something perhaps from above..."
"Mint?"
"Those can be very refreshing."
- The doctor and Kramer, in "The Junior Mint"
"You don't know my name, do you?"
"Yes I do."
"What is it?"
"It, uh, rhymes with a female body part."
"What is it?"
"Mulva..."
- Dolores and Jerry, in "The Junior Mint"
*
"What am I... hard of smelling?"
- Elaine to Jerry, in "The Smelly Car"
"So when somebody has B.O., the "O" usually stays with the "B". Once the "B" leaves, the "O" goes with it."
- Jerry, in "The Smelly Car"
"I *loooove* horse manure."
- Elaine, who would rather smell anything other than Jerry's car, in "The Smelly Car"
"Well, sometimes we do actually have to get up early, but a man will always trade sleep for sex."
- Jerry, in "The Smelly Car"
"There should be a B.O. squad that patrols the city like a "Smell Gestapo". To sniff 'em out, strip 'em down, and wash them with a big, soapy brush..."
- Jerry, in "The Smelly Car"
"Y'know, the funny thing is, somehow I find her more appealing now... It's like if I knew she was a lesbian when we went out, I never would've broken up with her."
- George, finding out that his former girlfriend is a lesbian, in "The Smelly Car"
"You don't understand what I'm up against. This is a force more powerful than anything you can imagine. Even Superman would be helpless against this kind of stench."
- Jerry, describing the B.O. smell in his car, in "The Smelly Car"
"I still smell!"
"You see! You see what I'm saying to you? It's a presence! It's the beast!"
- Elaine and Jerry, in "The Smelly Car"
"Amazing! I drive them to lesbianism, and he brings 'em back!"
- George, on Kramer, in "The Smelly Car"
"First he vomits on me. Then he burns down my father's cabin. And now he's taken Mona away from me."
- Susan, George's ex-girlfriend, on Kramer, in "The Smelly Car"
*
"Is it my imagination, or do really good-looking women walk a lot faster than everybody else?"
"We don't walk that fast."
- George and Elaine, in "The Handicap Spot"
"You like the Drake?"
"I love the Drake. I'm looking forward to meeting the Drakette."
- Jerry and Kramer, in "The Handicap Spot"
"Isosceles. You know, I love the name Isosceles. If I had a kid, I would name him Isosceles. Isosceles Kramer."
- Kramer, in "The Handicap Spot"
"Go to love the Drake!"
- Elaine, in "The Handicap Spot"
"I'm really happy for them."
"Yeah. Well, I don't know if I'm happy for them. I mean, I'm glad their happy, but frankly it doesn't do anything for me."
- Elaine and Jerry, in "The Handicap Spot"
"She's got everything I've always wanted in another human being. Except for the walking."
- Kramer, about Elizabeth, in "The Handicap Spot"
"This is our best model, the Cougar 9000. It's the Rolls Royce of wheelchairs. This is like, you're almost glad to be handicapped."
- Salesman, in "The Handicap Spot"
"Boy, I'm really starting to dislike the Drake. Hate the Drake!"
- Jerry, in "The Handicap Spot"
"You know, I'm thinking about getting a yo-yo."
"Really?"
"Yeah."
"I could see that."
- Jerry and George, in "The Handicap Spot"
"Am I a hipster-doofus?"
- Kramer, in "The Handicap Spot"
*
"Again with the sweatpants?"
"What? I'm comfortable."
"You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You're telling the world, 'I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.'"
- Jerry and George, in "The Pilot"
"God would never let me be successful. He'd kill me first. He'll never let me be happy."
"I thought you didn't believe in God?"
"I do for the bad things."
- George and his therapist, in "The Pilot"
"It's like a bald convention out there."
- Melissa, commenting on all the actors auditioning for the role of George, in "The Pilot"
"Did he just steal the raisins?"
- George, about TV Kramer, in "The Pilot"
"I want to be the one person who doesn't die with dignity."
- George, in "The Pilot"
"It was an emergency, Jerry. I was really percolating."
- Kramer, after trying to find a bathroom, in "The Pilot"
"What is she like? Tell me about her."
"Well, she's fascinated with Greenland. She enjoys teasing animals, banlon, and seeing people running for their lives. She loves throwing garbage out the window, yet she's extremely dainty."
- TV Elaine and Jerry, on the real Elaine, in "The Pilot"
"It may be time to consider the dreaded apparatus."
- Jerry, to Kramer, in "The Pilot"
"Listen, I know we've had our problems in the past, but we've got a show to do tonight. Pull together as a team. Life's too short. I say let's let bygones be bygones. If you took the raisins, if you didn't take the raisins. They weren't even my raisins. I was just curious because it seems like a strange thing to do, to walk into a room, audition, and walk out with a box of raisins. Anyway, whatever. If you ever want to tell me about it, the door to my office is always open. In the event that I get an office. You'll come in, we'll talk about the raisins, have a nice laugh."
"How'd you like it if I just pulled your heart out of your chest right now and shoved it down your throat?"
- George and TV Kramer, in "The Pilot"
"You went for the big E, huh?"
"Wet and wild!"
- Jerry and Kramer, after he used the dreaded apparatus, in "The Pilot"
"How could anyone not like him?"
- Jerry's mom, about Jerry, in "The Pilot"
"I like his style. He has a sort of casual elegance."
"But he picks his nose."
- Calvin Klein and Tia, about Jerry, in "The Pilot"
*
"Tub is love."
- Jerry, in "The Mango"
"Nobody knows what to do. You just close your eyes, you hope for the best. I really think they're happy if you just make an effort."
- Jerry, in "The Mango"
"Who's fakin'?"
- Elaine, in "The Mango"
"That whole thing, the whole production, it was all an act?"
- Jerry, after Elaine told him that she always faked it, in "The Mango"
"They've all been faking..."
- Jerry, in "The Mango"
"The woman had an orgasm under false pretenses. That's sexual perjury!"
- Jerry, in "The Mango"
"You know, I heard her screaming from my apartment. She woke me up a few times."
- Kramer, admiring Elaine's ability to fake it, in "The Mango"
"I know how to press those buttons, buddy."
- Kramer, in "The Mango"
"You know, I faked it."
- Kramer, in "The Mango"
"This peach is sub-par."
- Kramer, in "The Mango"
"You gotta stand behind your fruit."
- Kramer, in "The Mango"
"What am I gonna do for fruit?!"
- Kramer, starting to panic, in "The Mango"
"Give me another shot!"
- Jerry, wanting another chance to make Elaine happy, in "The Mango"
"Fifteen minutes! I can make it happen!"
- Jerry, pleading with Elaine, in "The Mango"
"Oh that Meryl Streep. She's such a phoney baloney!"
- Jerry, in "The Mango"
"Can't you tell I'm upset?"
"No, maybe you're faking!"
- Elaine and Jerry, in "The Mango"
"They're mysterious little fellows, aren't they?"
- Jerry, in "The Mango"
"If I give you money, would you go out and get me some fruit?"
- Kramer to Jerry, after being barred from the fruit store, in "The Mango"
"They don't have a decent piece of fruit at the supermarket. The apples are mealy, the oranges are dry... I don't know what's going on with the papayas!"
- Kramer, in "The Mango"
"I'm gonna make you a fruit list."
- Kramer, after Jerry agrees to go to the fruit store, in "The Mango"
"I like mangoes."
- Kramer, in "The Mango"
"I can't buy mangoes and plantains?"
- Jerry, talking with a suspicious fruit store owner, in "The Mango"
"I've only got hundreds."
- Kramer, asked for change, in "The Mango"
"This is like a taste explosion."
- George, tasting his first mango, in "The Mango"
"Well well, if it isn't the first lady of the American theatre."
- Jerry, to Elaine, in "The Mango"
"Alright, let's go. I'll give ya half an hour."
- Elaine, letting Jerry have another shot, in "The Mango"
"We have to have sex to save the friendship."
- Jerry, in "The Mango"
*
"Borrowing money from a friend is like having sex. It just completely changes the relationship."
- George, in "The Puffy Shirt"
"I think you're all a little touched in the head."
- George's mom, in "The Puffy Shirt"
"I don't know if I feel comfortable handing out baloney sandwiches in the building."
- Jerry, to George's mom, in "The Puffy Shirt"
"You can look at them, but do not touch them."
- George, letting the others admire his hands, in "The Puffy Shirt"
"Oh, those are nice. Ya know, I never noticed this before. They're smooth, creamy, delicate, yet masculine."
- Kramer, admiring George's hands, in "The Puffy Shirt"
"You're going to be the first pirate!"
- Kramer, to Jerry, in "The Puffy Shirt"
"Stress is very damaging to the epidermis."
- George, in "The Puffy Shirt"
"I won a contest."
- George, in "The Puffy Shirt"
"You could be the first pirate comedian."
- Bryant Gumbel, to Jerry, in "The Puffy Shirt"
"My whole life was ruined because of the puffy shirt."
- George, in "The Puffy Shirt"
"I just can't be with someone who's life is in complete disarray."
- Kramer, in "The Puffy Shirt"
*
"Do you ever spit on anybody from here?"
- Elaine, looking out Jerry's window, in "The Glasses"
"Rock on!"
- Kramer, in "The Glasses"
"I gotta get out of this city."
"So you're tunneling to the center of the earth?"
- George and Jerry, in "The Glasses"
"Who steals prescription glasses?"
"You don't have an old pair?"
"I broke 'em playing basketball."
"He was running from a bee."
- George, Elaine and Jerry, in "The Glasses"
"Retail is for suckers."
- Kramer, in "The Glasses"
"Once again, I'm standing here like a little man."
- George, in "The Glasses"
"He was spottin' raccoons on the road."
- Jerry, lauding George's ability to squint, in "The Glasses"
"Do I need a shot?"
"Not shot. Dog bite. Woof woof, not bang bang."
- Elaine and a doctor, in "The Glasses"
"It's a Commando-8, 12,000 BTU's. It's gonna be like a meat locker in here!"
- Jerry, trying to impress Amy with his new air conditioner, in "The Glasses"
"Everything was going so well. She hadn't seen any flaws in me. Now she sees a side."
"What side?"
"A bad side, an ugly side."
"Oh, so what?"
"So what? I wasn't planning on showing that side for another six months. Now you made me throw off the whole learning curve."
- Jerry and George, in "The Glasses"
"I was spottin' those raccoons..."
"They were mailboxes, you idiot. I didn't have the heart to tell you."
- George and Jerry, in "The Glasses"
"I don't know what to believe. You're eatin' onions, you're spottin' dimes, I don't know what the hell is going on!"
- Jerry, to George, in "The Glasses"
"Right this way, Mister Doody."
- Kramer, in "The Glasses"
"You wouldn't even have any teeth if it wasn't for me taking you over to Joe's Fruit Stand and stuffing cantaloupe down your throat!"
- Kramer, to the optometrist, in "The Glasses"
"I don't know what to tell ya, Elton."
- Jerry, making fun of George's glasses, in "The Glasses"
"May I have one of those, madam?"
- Kramer, making fun of George's glasses, in "The Glasses"
"Is this going to hurt?"
"Yes, very much."
- Elaine and a doctor, in "The Glasses"
"I'm very mysterious by nature. A lot of women find that attractive."
"I find it annoying."
- Jerry and Amy, in "The Glasses"
*
"I would like to dip my bald head in oil and rub it all over your body.
- George, testing the housekeeper's inability to understand English, in "The Old Man"
"Ask your mother. You live with her now, don't you?"
- Elaine, to George, in "The Sniffing Accountant"
"Jerry, where'd you get that sweater?"
"What do you think? I found it in the back of my closet."
"I think that's what the back of closets are for."
- George, in "The Sniffing Accountant"
"He was definitely sniffing."
- George, in "The Sniffing Accountant"
"Don't forget to wash your hands before supper."
- Elaine, in "The Sniffing Accountant"
"He doesn't know anything about bras."
- George's mom, in "The Sniffing Accountant"
"I got it. Cups in the front, loops in the back."
- George, who must know something about bras, in "The Sniffing Accountant"
"Did he use a lot of slang? Did he use the word 'man'?"
- Kramer, in "The Sniffing Accountant"
"Maybe I don't use my exclamation points as haphazardly as you do."
- Jake, to Elaine, in "The Sniffing Accountant"
"It's an exclamation point! It's a line with a dot under it!"
- Jerry, in "The Sniffing Accountant"
"I've never heard of a relationship being affected by punctuation."
- Jerry, in "The Sniffing Accountant"
"Yes, I'm impugning a continent."
- Jerry, discussing South America, in "The Sniffing Accountant"
"I'm sure if we put our three heads together, we should come up with something."
- Newman, to Jerry and Kramer, in "The Sniffing Accountant"
"Tuesday has no feel. Monday has a feel. Friday has a feel. Sunday has a feel."
"I feel Tuesday and Wednesday."
- Newman and Kramer, in "The Sniffing Accountant"
"Maybe we ought to become private detectives."
"Maybe you should."
"Maybe I will."
"Yeah, me too."
- Kramer, Jerry and Newman, in "The Sniffing Accountant"
"What do you need me in the car for?"
"I might need you to get me another soda."
- Newman and Jerry, in "The Sniffing Accountant"
"Oh yeah, I've been known to drink a beer or two, but then again, I've been known to do a lot of things."
- Kramer, in "The Sniffing Accountant"
"Here's to feeling good all the time."
- Kramer, in "The Sniffing Accountant"
"I'm hip."
"Hip to what?"
"To the whole scene."
"What scene?"
"The bathroom scene."
- Kramer and the accountant, in "The Sniffing Accountant"
"From the first time I laid eyes on a brassiere, I was enthralled."
- George, in "The Sniffing Accountant"
"Oh no! The letter! Newman! It's got exclamation points all over it!"
"Not to mention the picture of him on the toilet."
- Jerry and Kramer, in "The Sniffing Accountant"
"Half silk, half cotton, half linen. How can you go wrong?"
- Jerry, describing his shirt, in "The Sniffing Accountant"
*
"And then the placenta comes flying out!"
- Jerry's friend, describing the birth of his son, in "The Bris"
"Maybe the baby would like to see the spot."
- George, showing off his perfect parking spot, in "The Bris"
"A pig-man! Half pig, half man!"
- Kramer, describing what he thought he saw in the hospital, in "The Bris"
"It had no face, no personality. It was like a martian."
- Elaine, describing an uncircumsized penis, in "The Bris"
"How about our little Elaine... Attending the finest finishing schools on the eastern seaboard, equestrian competitions, debutante balls... Look at her now - interviewing mohels."
- Jerry, in "The Bris"
"Don't ever question my instincts, because my instincts are honed."
- Kramer, in "The Bris"
"Hey, I'm telling you, the pig-man is alive. The government has been experimenting with pig-men since the 50's."
- Kramer, in "The Bris"
"They're probably creating a whole army of pig-warriors."
- Kramer, in "The Bris"
"I wish there were pig-men. You get a few of those pig-men walking around, suddenly I'm looking a lot better. That way if someone wanted to fix me up they could say, 'Hey, at least he's no pig-man.'"
- George, in "The Bris"
"Believe me, somewhere in this hospital the anguished oink of pig-man cries out for help."
- Kramer, in "The Bris"
"If I hear an anguished oink, I'm outta here."
- Jerry, in "The Bris"
"If the pig-man had a car, he'd give you a ride."
- Kramer, to George, in "The Bris"
"Relax. You'd think *you* were gettin' whacked."
- Elaine, to Jerry, in "The Bris"
"Hey, we're not talking about a manicure. Imagine, this is gonna be his first memory of his parents, just standing there while some stranger cuts off a piece of his manhood and then serves a catered lunch!"
- Kramer, in "The Bris"
"Cows don't have families. You make a mistake with a cow, you move on with your life."
- The mohel, in "The Bris"
"The mohel circumsized my finger!"
- Jerry, in "The Bris"
"I've never had stitches! I'll be deformed. I can't live with that. It goes against my whole personality. It's just not me!"
- Jerry, in "The Bris"
"Ah well, if it isn't Shakey the Mohel."
- Jerry, to the mohel, in "The Bris"
"And he's not a pig-man, is he?"
"No he's not. He's just a fat little mental patient."
- George and Kramer, in "The Bris"
*
"I'm not a terrible person."
"Noooo...."
"No, when I shoo squirrels away, I always say 'Get out of here." I never ever throw things at them and try to injure them like other people."
"That's nice."
"Yeah, and when I see freaks in the street, I never ever stare at them, and yet I'm careful not to look away, see, because I want to make the freaks feel comfortable."
"That's nice for the freaks."
"Yeah, and I don't poof up my hair when I go to the movies so people can see."
- Elaine and Jerry, in "The Lip Reader"
"You want to be a ball man? Go ahead and break the ball barrier."
- Jerry, to Kramer, in "The Lip Reader"
"It's not you, it's me.... You're giving me the 'It's not you, it's me' routine? I invented 'It's not you, it's me.' Nobody tells me it's them, not me. If it's anybody, it's me."
"Alright, George, it's you."
"You're damn right it's me."
"Look, I was just trying to...."
"I know what you were trying to do. Nobody does it better than me."
"Well I'm sure you do it very well."
"Yes, well, unfortunately you'll never get the chance to find out."
- George and Gwen, breaking up, in "The Lip Reader"
"So she sees you with hot fudge on your face and she ends it? Do you really think she'd be that superficial?"
"Why not? I would be."
- Jerry and George, in "The Lip Reader"
"How about six? Six is good. You got a problem with six?"
- Jerry, to a confused lip reader, in "The Lip Reader"
"Hey pops, isn't there a better way to spend your twilight years?"
"I may be old, but I'm spry."
- A ball boy and Kramer, in "The Lip Reader"
"You remember this: When you control the mail, you control information!"
- Newman, in "The Lip Reader"
"She doesn't know what she's talking about!"
- Kramer, who uses his own special kind of sign language, in "The Lip Reader"
"Thus ends the great ball man experiment."
- Jerry, after Kramer tackles Monica Seles, in "The Lip Reader"
*
"How could this not have any fat? It's too good!"
- George, in "The Non-Fat Yogurt"
"This is so *!@#$*! good!"
- Jerry, in "The Non-Fat Yogurt"
"Something wrong with your arm?"
"Uh yeah, actually, I bumped my elbow on a desk and injured something and now it sort of moves involuntarily."
- Lloyd Braun and George, in "The Non-Fat Yogurt"
"It's got a remarkable texture."
- Kramer, in "The Non-Fat Yogurt"
"What'sa matter?"
"I was having lunch and I bit down on the fork."
"Boy, it's hard to believe with so much biting experience a person could still make a mistake like that."
- Jerry and Elaine, in "The Non-Fat Yogurt"
"I did this thing on the Ottoman Empire. Like, what was this? A whole empire based on putting your feet up?"
- Jerry, after a good standup routine, in "The Non-Fat Yogurt"
"You don't eat Oreos? The way you break 'em open and.... It's like you're having sex with 'em."
- Kramer, to Elaine, in "The Non-Fat Yogurt"
"Maybe your yogurt isn't so non-fat."
"Oh, guess again, tubby."
- Jerry and Kramer, in "The Non-Fat Yogurt"
"Hey, I'll tell you what, chubbs, if that yogurt has fat in it, I will put myself on an all-yogurt diet for a week."
"Well, let's start the insanity."
"Mmmmmm.... giddyup!"
- Kramer and Jerry, in "The Non-Fat Yogurt"
"You discussed George with the Mayor of New York?!?"
- Frank, George's father, to Lloyd, in "The Non-Fat Yogurt"
"Well, I wouldn't hear of it. I said 'Nice try, Granny,' and I sent her to the back of the line."
- Newman, joking with fellow postal workers, in "The Non-Fat Yogurt"
"Hey! Another round of strawberry for me and my friends!"
- Newman, in "The Non-Fat Yogurt"
"Hey, fatso, I got a 90 in biology."
- Kramer, in "The Non-Fat Yogurt"
"Ooooo, test tubes. Cool...."
- Kramer, visiting the testing lab, in "The Non-Fat Yogurt"
"My whole life is a lie."
- George, in "The Non-Fat Yogurt"
"Yow!"
- Kramer, after wiggling his fingers over a bunsen burner, in "The Non-Fat Yogurt"
"You know what I would do if I was running for mayor? One of my campaign themes would be that everybody should wear nametags all the time to make the city friendlier."
- Elaine, in "The Non-Fat Yogurt"
"Well, the yogurt verdict is in.... FAT!"
- Jerry, in "The Non-Fat Yogurt"
"What makes you think that I have time to see doctors, take x-rays, make appointments, when there's absolutely nothing wrong with me? What kind of a person would do a thing like that?"
"I don't know what kind of person would do something like that. Obviously a very sick person, a very immature person, a person who has no regard for wasting other people's valuable time."
- George and a doctor, in "The Non-Fat Yogurt"
"I can't eat this!"
- Newman, after sampling the new, truly non-fat yogurt, in "The Non-Fat Yogurt"
"Thanks for ruining my daddy's business, you fat !@*#!"
- Matthew, to Jerry, in "The Non-Fat Yogurt"
*
"Well, a lot of people consider me small and prestigious."
- George, in "The Barber"
"I enjoy understanding."
- George, in "The Barber"
"I could raise enough money to cure polio."
- Kramer, discussing a charity bachelor auction, in "The Barber"
"You tell-a the joke, I cut-a the hair."
- Enzo, to Jerry, in "The Barber"
"You look like you're five years old."
- George, seeing the results of Jerry's bad haircut, in "The Barber"
"I still haven't heard about that job."
"Yeah, that's a tough one. What are you gonna do about that?"
"I have an idea."
"Yeah?"
"I show up."
"Whattya mean, you show up?"
"I show up! I pretend I have the job. The guy's on vacation. If I have the job, it's fine. If I don't have the job, by the time he comes back I'm ensconced."
"Hmmmmm.... Not bad."
"What's the worst thing that could happen?"
"Well, you'd be embarrassed and humiliated in front of a large group of people and have to walk out in shame with your tail between your legs."
"Yeah, so?"
"Yeah, I see what you mean. I forgot who I was dealing with."
- George and Jerry, in "The Barber"
"Yes, I like to feel cozy. You know, I have a very small apartment. I like to feel tucked in, nestled in. Love to be nestled."
- George, in "The Barber"
"So what do you do there all day?"
"They gave me the Pensky file."
- Jerry and George, in "The Barber"
"I'd like to have shoehorn hands."
- Kramer, in "The Barber"
"Boy, you got a beautiful head of hair!"
"Oh, thank you."
"I'll bet Uncle Enzo, he tell-a you that all-a the time!"
"Well, actually, Enzo hasn't said that to me in awhile."
- Gino and Jerry, in "The Barber"
"Look at him! He's grotesque!"
"You think?"
"Do I think? He's repugnant!"
- Kramer and Elaine, discussing Jerry, in "The Barber"
"I almost went to barber school. I always felt I had a talent for it."
- Newman, in "The Barber"
"In college they used to call me 'The Little Bulldog'."
- George, in "The Barber"
"Flush twice!"
- Jerry, to Newman, who wants to use the bathroom, in "The Barber"
"He likes fruit, and uh, he just got a haircut."
- Elaine, auctioning off Kramer, in "The Barber"
"You haven't done anything with this."
"Well, bear in mind, I am in the smaller office."
- Tuttle and George, in "The Barber"
"Ta ta, Tut-tel."
- George, in "The Barber"
*