Ok, so I'll admit I'm addicted.....



"I haven't vomited in thirteen years."
- Jerry, in "The Masseuse"

"So, apparently adoption leads to serial killing."
- Kramer, in "The Masseuse"

"It's like going to Idaho and eating carrots. I like carrots, but I'm in Idaho... I want a potato."
- Jerry, in "The Masseuse"

"If I were going to change my name, I'd go with Deon."
- Elaine, in "The Masseuse"

"Hey! I am looser than creamed corn."
- Kramer, after getting a massage, in "The Masseuse"

"She rubs with love."
- Kramer, on Jerry's girlfriend, in "The Masseuse"

"Wait a minute! I need my massages! Can't you see I'm burned out?"
- Kramer, after Jerry orders him to stay away from his girlfriend, in "The Masseuse"

"Just look at me. Now tell me I'm not Kramer."
- Kramer, in "The Masseuse"

"What about my massage?!"
"Ask Newman."
- Kramer and Jerry, in "The Masseuse"

"Does everybody in the world have to like you?"
"Yes, yes! Everybody in the world has to like me! I must be liked!"
- Karen and George, in "The Masseuse"

"You're a massage teaser."
- Jerry, in "The Masseuse"

"This woman hates me so much, I'm starting to like her."
- George, in "The Masseuse"


"Hey, you know what would make a great coffee table book? A coffee table book about coffee tables!"
- Kramer, in "The Cigar Store Indian"

"See, on this particular Tuesday you could've watched six hours of Lucy. There's I Love Lucy, The Lucy Show, Here's Lucy!"
- Weird guy on subway, in "The Cigar Store Indian"

"We're collectors. We see objects of great beauty and we must have them."
- George, in "The Cigar Store Indian"

"Ya know, I don't get it. I'm not allowed to ask a Chinese person where a Chinese restaurant is? I mean, aren't we all getting a little too sensitive? I mean, somebody asks me which way is Israel, I don't fly off the handle."
- Jerry, in "The Cigar Store Indian"

"Is there anything wrong with getting a receipt at a tollbooth?"
- Frank, in "The Cigar Store Indian"

"Who told you you could have sex in our bed?"
"Well, my bed is too small."
"Your bed is too small? I'm gone two weeks and you turn our house into Bourbon Street?"
"Where am I going to sleep?"
"What are you talking about?"
"I can't sleep in there!"
"Of course you can."
"I can't. I can't!"
"That's it. You're grounded."
- Estelle, George and Frank, in "The Cigar Store Indian"

"And on the cover is a built-in coaster."
- Kramer, selling his coffee table book idea, in "The Cigar Store Indian"

"How do you just walk into a house and take a TV Guide? How does she expect you to watch TV? Am I just supposed to turn it on and wander aimlessly around the dial?"
- Frank, in "The Cigar Store Indian"

"You look scrumptious!"
- Weird guy to Elaine, in "The Cigar Store Indian"

"George doesn't work. He's a bum."
- Estelle, in "The Cigar Store Indian"


"You know, it's not like changing toothpaste."
- Jerry to George, who is thinking of converting to Latvian Orthodox, in "The Conversion"

"I always open medicine cabinets."
"I trust people not to do that."
"Big mistake!"
- Kramer and Elaine, in "The Conversion"

"By Christmas day, I will be Brother Costanza."
"And what is Brother Costanza planning on telling Mother Costanza?"
"Brother Costanza will be taking the vow of silence."
- George and Jerry, in "The Conversion"

"Jerry, I'm tellin' ya, I have this power. And I have no control over it."
- Kramer, in "The Conversion"

"I hope I'm not disturbing you, but I found another toy I thought you might like."
- Sister Roberta to Kramer, in "The Conversion"

"Oh, this power! Look what I'm doing! I'm dangerous, Jerry! I'm very very dangerous!"
- Kramer, in "The Conversion"


"No, I don't have a square to spare. I can't spare a square."
- Jane, in "The Stall"

"Mmm... I love this artificial flavoring. I like it better than butter. I think it's more consistent."
- Jerry, eating popcorn, in "The Stall"

"Who does she think she is? How dare she! You want me to get the manager? Too bad they don't have those old ladies walking around with the flashlights anymore... flush her out."
- Jerry, reacting to Jane's bad experience in the bathroom, in "The Stall"

"Elaine, he's a male bimbo. He's a mimbo!"
- Jerry, on Tony, in "The Stall"

"George is like a schoolgirl around him."
- Jerry, in "The Stall"

"I am down. I am totally down. Mark me down."
- George, trying to be cool with Tony, in "The Stall"

"Kramer, my man, what are you doing manana?"
"Manana? I'm doing nada."
- Tony and Kramer, in "The Stall"

"It's a different world when you're with a cool guy."
- George, in "The Stall"

"I think that you're in love with him."
"What? That's ridiculous!"
"No, I don't think so... You love him."
"You better be careful on those rocks tomorrow, buddy. And you're not getting any sandwiches either!"
- Kramer and George, in "The Stall"

"Step off, George. I don't want to see you."
"Me? Step off?"
- Tony and George, in "The Stall"

"Ah, you're crazy."
"Am I? Or am I so sane that you just blew your mind?!"
"It's impossible!"
"Is it? Or is it so possible that your head is spinning like a top?!"
"It can't be."
"Can it? Or is your entire world just crashing down all around you?"
"Alright, that's enough."
- Jerry and Kramer, in "The Stall"


"Do you believe I got Happy New Year'd today? It's February!"
"I once got Happy New Year'd in March."
"It's disgusting."
"It's pathetic."
- Elaine and Jerry, in "The Dinner Party"

"It's Goretex. You know about Goretex?"
"You like saying 'Goretex', don't you?"
- George, showing off his new coat, and Jerry, in "The Dinner Party"

"The fabric of society is very complex, George."
- Jerry, in "The Dinner Party"

"I don't even drink wine. I drink Pepsi."
"You can't bring Pepsi."
"Why not?"
"Because we're adults."
"You're telling me that wine is better than Pepsi? No way wine is better than Pepsi."
"I'll tell ya, George, I don't think we want to walk in there and put a big plastic jug of Pepsi in the middle of the table."
"I just don't like the idea that any time there's a dinner invitation, there's this annoying little chore that goes along with it."
"You know, you're getting to be an annoying little chore yourself."
- George, Elaine and Jerry, in "The Dinner Party"

"You're pretty comfortable up there, huh Bubble Boy?"
- Jerry, to George, in "The Dinner Party"

"Ooooo, I like Ring Dings."
- Kramer, in "The Dinner Party"

"You can't show up at someone's house with Ring Dings and Pepsi."
- Elaine, in "The Dinner Party"

"Oh look Elaine, the black and white cookie. I love the black and white. Two races of flavor living side by side in harmony. It's a wonderful thing, isn't it?"
"You know, I often wonder what you'll be like when you're senile."
"I'm looking forward to it."
"Yeah, I think it'll be a very smooth transition for you."
- Jerry and Elaine, in "The Dinner Party"

"I don't like to carry my wallet. My osteopath says that it's bad for my spine. Throws my hips off kilter."
- Kramer, in "The Dinner Party"

"You can't beat a babka."
- Elaine, at the bakery, in "The Dinner Party"

"You'd better be careful with that thing. You'll start a war."
- Kramer, after George bumps someone with his coat, in "The Dinner Party"

"The key to eating a black and white cookie, Elaine, is you want to get some black and some white in each bite. Nothing mixes better than vanilla and chocolate. And yet, still, somehow racial harmony eludes us. If people would only look to the cookie. All our problems would be solved."
- Jerry, in "The Dinner Party"

"Nobody takes better care of their hair than me. You can serve dinner on my head."
- Elaine, in "The Dinner Party"

"I really cannot comprehend how stupid people can be sometimes. Can you comprehend it?"
"No, I can't comprehend it."
"I mean, we can put a man on the moon but we're still basically very stupid. The guy who's car this is, he could be one of the guys that built the rocket. You see what I'm saying?"
"Well, yeah, he can build the rocket, but he's still stupid for double-parking and blocking somebody in."
"So you really understand my point about building the rocket and double-parking?"
"On the one hand he's smart with rockets and on the other hand he's dumb with parking."
- George and Kramer in "The Dinner Party"

"Yeah, you want to trade your hair for some phlegm."
- Jerry, trying to get a better babka, in "The Dinner Party"

"I'm a little scared of her."
- George, talking about Elaine, in "The Dinner Party"

"Fourteen years, down the drain."
- Jerry, about to throw up, in "The Dinner Party"

"How was it?"
"Good as it gets."
- Elaine and Jerry, after he throws up, in "The Dinner Party"


"Six years I've had this t-shirt. It's my best one. I call him Golden Boy."
- Jerry, in "The Marine Biologist"

"Did you know that the original title for War and Peace was War, What Is It Good For?"
- Jerry, in "The Marine Biologist"

"You can't handle the truth."
- George, imitating Jack Nicholson, in "The Marine Biologist"

"Your mother reads your mail?"
"What do you mean, like postcards?"
"Oh, anything."
"She doesn't open."
"She'll open."
"You've caught your mother opening envelopes?"
"What does she say?"
"I was curious."
"Isn't that against the law?"
"Maybe I can get her locked up."
- Jerry and George, in "The Marine Biologist"

"I've got all my appointments right up here."
- Kramer, who has no need for an organizer, in "The Marine Biologist"

"I am such a huge whale fan."
- George, in "The Marine Biologist"

"Who wants to have some fun?"
- Kramer, who wants to hit golf balls into the ocean, in "The Marine Biologist"

"He's working on lowering the cholesterol level in whales. All that blubber, it's quite unhealthy. You know, it's the largest mammal on earth. But as George says, they don't have to be."
- Jerry, making George look good, in "The Marine Biologist"

"What is that noise? It's traveling up my spine into my brain!"
- Testikov, just before he throws Elaine's electronic organizer out the window of the limousine, in "The Marine Biologist"

"She asked for your number. I think she's going to get in touch with you."
"Okay, I'm telling you right now. If you're kidding around I'm not going to be able to be your friend anymore. I'm serious about that. You got that?"
"I've got no problem with that."
"Good, because if this is a lie, if this is a joke, if this is your idea of some cute little game, we're finished."
"Expect a call."
"Oh my god, he's not kidding."
"Now I should tell you that at this point she's under the impression that you're a..."
"A what?"
"A marine biologist."
- Jerry and George, in "The Marine Biologist"

"I know my alleys."
- George, in "The Marine Biologist"

"Why couldn't you make me an architect? You know I always wanted to pretend that I was an architect."
- George, in "The Marine Biologist"

"So I started to walk into the water. I won't lie to you boys, I was terrified. But I pressed on, and as I made my way past the breakers a strange calm came over me. I don't know if it was divine intervention or the kinship of all living things, but I tell you Jerry, at that moment I was a marine biologist."
- George, in "The Marine Biologist"

"The sea was angry that day, my friends, like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli."
- George, in "The Marine Biologist"

"What, are you in a bad mood?"
"I got my laundry back."
"Golden Boy?"
"He didn't make it."
"I'm sorry."
"This is Golden Boy's son, Baby Blue."
- Elaine and Jerry, in "The Marine Biologist"


"It's like they chopped off your arms and legs, dipped you in plastic, then screwed you all back together again and stuck you on a pedestal. It's really quite exquisite."
- Kramer, telling Elaine about her lookalike mannequin, in "The Pie"

"Did you just roll your eyes at him? Because let me tell you something. If anybody should be rolling their eyes, it is me, at him, about you."
- Elaine, to a rude store clerk, in "The Pie"

"It'll be a funky adventure."
- Kramer, inviting Elaine to scratch his back, in "The Pie"

"I'm going home to spatula."
- Kramer, in "The Pie"

"Do you need some help with that itch?"
"Madam, I pray you're not toying with me."
- The cashier at Monk's and Kramer, in "The Pie"

"A chef who doesn't wash is like a cop who steals. It's a cry for help. He wants to get caught."
- Jerry, in "The Pie"

"You guys ought to see the way she works her nails across my back. Ooooo! She's a maestro. The criss-cross, the figure-eight, strummin' on the old banjo. And this wild savage free-for-all where anything can happen."
- Kramer, in "The Pie"

"This woman is bending my mind into a pretzel."
- Jerry, in "The Pie"

"That's my ass in your window!"
- Elaine, seeing the mannequin posed in an embarrassing position, in "The Pie"

"I don't know about you, but I'm getting a hankering for some Doublemint gum."
- Jerry, to Elaine, after they steal her lookalike mannequin, in "The Pie"

"Poppie's a little sloppy."
- Jerry, after Poppie is taken away by health inspectors, in "The Pie"

"Conformity's an obsession with me."
- George, in "The Pie"

"Did you ever solve the riddle of the pie?"
"No, that's one for the ages."
- George and Jerry, in "The Pie"


"There's nothing to talk about."
"Ah, what's there to talk about."
"Well, at least you and I are talking about how there's nothing to talk about."
"Why don't you talk with her about how there's nothing to talk about?"
"She knows there's nothing to talk about."
"At least she'll be talking."
"Oh, shut up."
- George and Jerry, in "The Stand-In"

"If you can't say something bad about a relationship you shouldn't say anything at all."
- George, in "The Stand-In"

"I can't hide my pity."
- George, in "The Stand-In"

"I haven't cracked a smile in months."
"Oh, don't worry, you'll crack. Cracking's inevitable. First you crack, then you chuckle."
- Fulton and Jerry, in "The Stand-In"

"So how are the eggs?"
"Eggs are eggs."
"Eggs are eggs. That is very profound. By the same token, couldn't you say fish is fish? I don't think so."
- George and Daphne, in "The Stand-In"

"If I was a woman I'd be down on the dock waiting for the fleet to come in."
- Jerry, in "The Stand-In"

"I'm very good with sick people. They love me."
- Kramer, in "The Stand-In"

"He took it out."
- Elaine, after her first date with Jerry's friend, in "The Stand-In"

"Maybe it needed some air. You know, sometimes they need air. They can't breathe in there. It's inhuman."
- Kramer, speculating on why "He took it out," in "The Stand-In"

"I spend so much time trying to get their clothes off, I never thought of taking mine off."
- George, in "The Stand-In"

"You know, George, they're doing wonderful things at mental institutions these days. I'd be happy to set up a meet and greet."
- Jerry, in "The Stand-In"

"Rock paper scissors match."
"Alright! Rock beats paper!"
"I thought paper covered rock."
"Nah, rock flys right through paper."
"Well, what beats rock?"
"Nothing beats rock."
- Kramer and Mickey, playing games, in "The Stand-In"


"You've got a lot to learn about pancakes."
- Jerry, in "The Wife"

"I'm really enjoying this marriage thing. You think about each other, you care about each other. It's wonderful. Plus, I love saying 'my wife'. Once I started saying it, I couldn't stop. 'My wife' this, 'My wife' that. It's an amazing way to begin a sentence."
- Jerry, in "The Wife"

"Hey Elaine, what do you say, if neither of us is married in ten years, we get hitched?"
"Make it fifty."
"We're engaged!"
- Kramer and Elaine, in "The Wife"

"I don't know why you're interested in this guy. He's a jerk."
"Because he doesn't pay any attention to me, and he ignores me."
"Yeah, so?"
"I respect that."
- Jerry and Elaine, in "The Wife"

"You went in the shower?"
"Yeah, so what? I'm not the only one!"
"Do you go in the shower?"
"No, never."
"Do you?"
"I take baths."
- Elaine, George, Jerry and Kramer, in "The Wife"

"Why couldn't you just wait?"
"I was there. I saw a drain."
"Since when is a drain a toilet?"
"It's all pipes. What's the difference?"
"Different pipes go to different places! You're gonna mix them up!"
"I'll call a plumber right now!"
- Elaine and George, in "The Wife"

"That's how I maintain my glow."
- Kramer, explaining his visit to a tanning salon, in "The Wife"

"A guy leaves a puddle of sweat, that's a signal?"
"Yeah, it's a social thing."
"What if he left you a used Kleenex? What's that, a valentine?"
- George and Elaine, in "The Wife"

"I guess I just wasn't ready for the responsibilities of a pretend-marriage."
- Jerry, in "The Wife"


"Maybe this will become a cool thing... Living with your parents."
"Yeah, and then maybe baldness will catch on. Things will all be turning your way."
- George and Jerrie, in "The Raincoats"

"Hey, believe me, baldness will catch on. When the aliens come, who do you think they're gonna relate to? Who do you think's gonna be the first ones getting a tour of the ship?"
- George, in "The Raincoats"

"They're so loud. They're always fighting. It's uncomfortable. You never notice?"
"Oh, I notice, but they're from your age group. I didn't think you could detect abnormal behavior among your own kind."
- Helen and Jerry, in "The Raincoats"

"You had fun with Mr. and Mrs. Seinfeld?"
"Yeah. They bought me a Coke."
- Elaine and Aaron, in "The Raincoats"

"I will not tolerate infestation!"
- Frank, in "The Raincoats"

"They had plans, huh? They were busy?! They were busy with their big plans!"
- George, in "The Raincoats"

"The thing that bothers me the most is the lying."
- George, in "The Raincoats"

"Jerry was necking during Schindler's List?"
"Yes, and a more offensive spectacle I cannot recall."
- Helen and Newman, in "The Raincoats"


"That's gold, baby."
"Baby? What, are you doing George now?"
"Hey, I was saying baby way before George."
- Jerry and Elaine, in "The Fire"

"Danke schoen, my little dumplings."
- Kramer, in "The Fire"

"Ooo, she's a package full of energy."
"Yeah, she's a package full of something."
- Kramer and Elaine, discussing Toby, in "The Fire"

"Look, I have goose bumps. Touch! Touch them!"
- Toby, in "The Fire"

"Booing and hissing are not part of the show. You boo puppets. You hiss villains in silent movies."
- Jerry, after Toby heckled him, in "The Fire"

"Go fold your little balloon animals, Eric. Eric... What kind of name is that for a clown?"
- George, in "The Fire"

"We needed a leader!"
- George, explaining his hasty exit from the burning apartment, in "The Fire"

"How do you live with yourself?"
"It's not easy."
- A fireman and George, in "The Fire"

"So you feel 'women and children first' in this day and age is somewhat of an antiquated notion."
"To some degree."
"So, basically, it's every man, woman, child and invalid for themselves."
"In a manner of speaking."
"Well, that's honest."
"She should be commending me for treating everyone like equals."
"Well, perhaps when she's released from the burn center she'll see things more clearly."
- Jerry and George, in "The Fire"

"There's no precedent, baby!"
"What, are you using my babies now?"
- Jerry and George, in "The Fire"

"After he heckled Toby, she got so upset she ran out of the building and a street sweeper ran over her foot and severed her pinky-toe."
"That's unbelievable!"
"Yeah, then after the ambulance left, I found the toe. So, I put it in a Cracker Jack box, filled it with ice and took off for the hospital."
"You ran?"
"No, I jumped on the bus. I told the driver, 'I got a toe here buddy. Step on it!'"
"Holy cow!"
"Yeah yeah, then all of a sudden this guy pulls out a gun. Well, I knew any delay's gonna cost her her pinky-toe, so I got out of the seat and I started walking towards him. He says, 'Where do you think you're going, Cracker Jack?' I says, 'Well, I got a little prize for you, buddy.' Pwaa! Pwaa! Keeyah! Knocked him out cold!"
"How could you do that?"
"Yeah, then everybody is screaming because the driver, he's passed out because of all the commotion. The bus is out of control! So I grab him by the collar, I take him out of the seat, I get behind the wheel... Now I'm driving the bus!"
"You're Batman."
"Yeah, I am Batman. Then the mugger, he comes to and he starts choking me. So, I'm fighting him off with one hand and I kept driving the bus with the other. Then I managed to open up the door and I kicked him out the door with my foot at the next stop."
"You kept making all the stops?"
"Well, people kept ringing the bell!"
"What about the toe? What happened to the toe?"
"Well, I am happy to say that the little guy is back in place at the end of the line."
"You did all this for a pinky-toe?"
"Well, it's a valuable appendage."
- Kramer, George and Jerry, in "The Fire"


"I never tasted a cough medicine I didn't love."
- George, in "The Hamptons"

"Hey, Jerry, rub some lotion on my back."
"Who are you, Mrs. Robinson?"
"C'mon, and I'll rub some on you."
"That's not sweetening the deal."
- Kramer and Jerry, in "The Hamptons"

"This is weird, wild stuff. George hasn't even seen her yet."
"Why do you think we're getting the sneak preview?"
"Maybe she's trying to create a buzz."
"You know, get some good word of mouth going."
- Jerry, Elaine and Kramer, observing observing a topless Jane, in "The Hamptons"

"Is it me, or was that the ugliest baby you have ever seen?"
"I couldn't look. It was like a Pekinese."
"Boy, a little too much chlorine in that gene pool."
- Jerry and Elaine, in "The Hamptons"

"The train was so crowded, I had to sit in a seat facing the wrong way."
"Oh, I like that. It's like going back in time."
- Rachel and Jerry, in "The Hamptons"

"She's got greeting problems."
- Jerry, about Rachel, in "The Hamptons"

"I saw Jane topless."
"You saw who what?"
- Kramer and George, in "The Hamptons"

"It's like I'm Neil Armstrong. I turn around for a sip of Tang, and you jump out first!"
- George, upset that Jerry saw Jane topless before him, in "The Hamptons"

"I was in the pool! I was in the pool!"
- George, after Rachel saw him naked, in "The Hamptons"

"Ordinarily I wouldn't mind, but..."
"But what?"
"Well, I just got back from swimming in the pool. And the water was cold..."
"Oh, you mean... Shrinkage."
"Yes. Significant shrinkage."
"So you feel you were shortchanged."
"Yes. I mean, if she thinks that's me, she's under a complete misapprehension. That was not me, Jerry. That was not me."
- George and Jerry, in "The Hamptons"

"Do women know about shrinkage?"
"What do you mean, like laundry?"
"Like when a man goes swimming... Afterwards..."
"It shrinks?"
"Like a frightened turtle."
"Why does it shrink?"
"It just does."
"I don't know how you guys walk around with those things."
- George, Elaine and Jerry, in "The Hamptons"

"I think that you think that a certain something is not all that it could be, when, in fact, it is all that it should be... And more!"
"I'm sure it is."
"Look, you don't understand. There was shrinkage."
- George and Jane, in "The Hamptons"


"You got a raise?"
"I don't fool around, baby!"
- Jerry and Elaine, in "The Opposite"

"Why did it all turn out like this for me? I had so much promise. I was personable. I was bright. Oh, maybe not academically speaking, but I was perceptive. I always know when someone's uncomfortable at a party. It all became very clear to me sitting out there today, that every decision I've ever made in my entire life has been wrong. My life is the complete opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have in every aspect of life, be it something to wear, something to eat... It's often wrong."
- George, in "The Opposite"

"Bald men with no jobs and no money who live with their parents don't approach strange women."
- George, in "The Opposite"

"If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right."
- Jerry, to George, in "The Opposite"

"I'm starting the book tour! First stop - Regis and Kathie Lee!"
"You're going on Regis and Kathie Lee?"
"Oh, you better believe it."
"I'll loan you my puffy shirt."
- Kramer and Jerry, in "The Opposite"

"You know who you are? Even Steven."
- Kramer, to Jerry, in "The Opposite"

"Who are you, George Costanza?"
"I'm the opposite of every guy you've ever met."
- Victoria and George, in "The Opposite"

"This guy could be a little bonkos."
- Regis Philbin, introducing Kramer, in "The Opposite"

"A job with the New York Yankees! This has been the dream of my life ever since I was a child, and it's all happening because I'm completely ignoring every urge towards common sense and good judgement I've ever had. This is no longer just some crazy notion, Elaine, Jerry. This is my religion."
"So I guess your messiah would be the Anti-Christ."
- George and Jerry, in "The Opposite"

"Get yourself some vitamin C with rose hips and bioflavenoids."
- Kramer, offering medical advice, in "The Opposite"

"Elaine, don't get too down. Everything will even out. See, I have two friends. You were up, he was down. Now he's up, you're down. You see how it all evens out for me?"
- Jerry, in "The Opposite"


"Now there's a career path you may have overlooked."
- Jerry, to Elaine, commenting on a group of Miss America contestants, in "The Chaperone"

"Hot dog?"
"No thanks. I'm watching my weight."
"Oh. I'm watching my height. My doctor doesn't want me to get any taller."
- Jerry and Miss Rhode Island, in "The Chaperone"

"I was almost Mr. Coffee. They felt I was a little too relaxed."
- Jerry, in "The Chaperone"

"They should be wearing cotton."
- George, unhappy with the Yankee uniforms, in "The Chaperone"

"Not many people have grace."
"Well, you know, grace is a tough one. I like to think I have a little grace. Not as much as Jackie O...."
"You can't have a little grace. You either have grace or you don't."
"Okay, fine. I have no grace."
"And you can't acquire grace."
"Well, I have no intention of getting grace."
"Grace isn't something you can pick up at the market."
"Alright, alright, look, I don't have grace, I don't want grace, I don't even say grace, okay?"
"Thank you for coming in."
"Yeah yeah right."
- A personnel interviewer and Elaine, in "The Chaperone"

"I'm going out with one of the Miss America contestants. You want to go?"
"What state?"
"Rhode Island."
"They're never in contention."
- Jerry and Kramer, in "The Chaperone"

"Poise counts!"
- Kramer, in "The Chaperone"

"These doves were murdered."
- Kramer, in "The Chaperone"

"It's like watching an animal get tortured."
- Jerry, watching Miss Rhode Island sing, in "The Chaperone"


"I think he's got ideas."
"I wonder if any woman every said that about Einstein?"
- Elaine and Jerry, in "The Big Salad"

"Hey, you want to get some lunch?"
"Just had a big bowl of Kix."
"Oh well, that's very mature."
- George and Jerry, in "The Big Salad"

"What's in the big salad?"
"Big lettuce, big carrots, tomatoes like volleyballs."
- George and Jerry, in "The Big Salad"

"People on dates shouldn't even be allowed out in public."
- Jerry, in "The Big Salad"

"Hey, a rule is a rule, and let's face it, without rules there's chaos."
- Kramer, in "The Big Salad"

"She just took credit for my salad. That's not right."
- George, in "The Big Salad"

"Generally speaking, you don't need any extra incentive to murder a dry cleaner."
- Jerry, in "The Big Salad"

"Newman never stops seeing anybody. Newman will see whoever is willing to see him."
- Jerry, in "The Big Salad"

"Perhaps there's more to Newman than meets the eye."
"No, there's less."
- Elaine and Jerry, in "The Big Salad"

"Maybe he's an enigma, a mystery wrapped in a riddle."
"He's a mystery wrapped in a Twinkie."
- Elaine and Jerry, in "The Big Salad"

"I think I would like to play with dolls."
- George, in "The Big Salad"


"I get a percentage of every pledge I bring in, right?"
"No. It's not aluminum siding, it's volunteer work."
- Jerry and Kramer, in "The Pledge Drive"

"I put a lot of thought into this card."
"You signed your name and you addressed the envelope. It's not like you painted the picture and wrote the poem."
- Kristen and Jerry, in "The Pledge Drive"

"A gift not enjoyed is like a flower that doesn't blossom."
- Kramer, in "The Pledge Drive"

"If my parents had a mantle, I might be a completely different person."
- George, in "The Pledge Drive"

"Do your thing there where you lie to everyone."
- Jerry, to George, in "The Pledge Drive"

"What the hell are you doing?"
"I am eating my dessert. How do you eat it? With your hands?"
- Exec and George, in "The Pledge Drive"

"Did you just see what happened here? Did you see the way she pointed at the check? She gave me the finger!"
"That's how waitress-types express derision. They don't want to get their mouths dirty."
- George and Jerry, in "The Pledge Drive"

"That finger was meant for me!"
- George, in "The Pledge Drive"

"Great. I'm going out with a man who sounds like a woman."
"Well, he looks like a man."
- Noreen and Elaine, in "The Pledge Drive"

"Where are the totebags? I'm not leaving the premises without totebags. I was promised totebags and totebags I shall have."
- Kramer, volunteering at PBS, in "The Pledge Drive"

"I saw someone on the street eating M&M's with a spoon."
- Jerry, in "The Pledge Drive"


"Hey, it's George. I got nothing to say."
- George, leaving a message on Jerry's answering machine, in "The Chinese Woman"

"If I like their race, how can that be racist?"
- Jerry, in "The Chinese Woman"

"I need the secure packaging of Jockeys. My boys need a house!"
- Kramer, in "The Chinese Woman"

"No, go ahead. I second-hand smoke two packs a day."
- Jerry, to a polite smoker, in "The Chinese Woman"

"There's nothing holding me in place. I'm flipping, I'm flopping."
- Kramer, unhappy with boxer shorts, in "The Chinese Woman"

"You know what I like about Manhattan? No mosquitoes."
- Frank Costanza, in "The Chinese Woman"

"It's a shame his parents didn't get divorced thirty years ago. He could've been normal."
- Jerry, about George, in "The Chinese Woman"

"I don't trust men in capes."
- George, in "The Chinese Woman"

"The only thing between him and us is a thin layer of gaberdine."
- Jerry, learning that Kramer has given up on underwear of any kind, in "The Chinese Woman"

"I'm out there Jerry and loving every minute of it."
- Kramer, in "The Chinese Woman"

"You have no eye for fashion!"
"I have no eye for fashion?!"
- Frank and Estelle Costanza, in "The Chinese Woman"


"I got a feeling I'm going to be much smarter than you pretty soon."
- George, to Jerry, in "The Couch"
"What do you think Lainey?"
"Well, I don't know. I'll have to sit on it."
"Oh no. I don't want anyone sitting on it."
- Jerry and Elaine, admiring his new sofa, in "The Couch"
"If it's not about sports, I find it very hard to concentrate."
"You're not very bright, are you?"
"No I'm not. I would like to be, but I'm not."
- George and Jerry, in "The Couch"
"What is his stand on abortion?"
"Well, I'm sure he's pro-choice."
"How do you know?"
"Because he, well, he's just so good-looking."
- Jerry and Elaine, discussing her new boyfriend, in "The Couch"
"My new sofa! Poppie peed on my new sofa!"
"I'm sure it'll come out."
"I don't care if it comes out. I can't sit on that anymore."
"Oh, you're making too much of it."
"Yeah, you're right. It's just a natural human function. It happens to be on my sofa instead of in the toilet where it would normally be."
- Jerry and Kramer, in "The Couch"
"You know what I love? How there's two nuts named after people: Hazel and Filbert."
- George, in "The Couch"


"I think she finds my stupidity charming."
- George, in "The Gymnast"
"I'm better with the mothers than I am with the daughters."
"Maybe you should date the mothers."
"If I could talk to the mothers and have sex with the daughters, then I'd really have something going."
- George and Jerry, in "The Gymnast"
"That sex will melt your face."
- Kramer, in "The Gymnast"
"Knowing you is like going into the jungle. I never know what I'm going to find next, and I'm real scared."
- Jerry, to George, in "The Gymnast"
"It's 3-D art. Computers generate it. Big computers!"
- Kramer, in "The Gymnast"
"So let me get this straight. You find yourself in the kitchen, you see an eclair in the receptacle, and you think to yourself, 'What the hell, I'll just eat some trash.'"
"No no no no no. It was not trash."
"Was it in the trash?"
"Then it was trash."
"It wasn't down in. It was sort of on top."
"But it was in the cylinder."
"Above the rim."
"Adjacent to refuse is... refuse."
"It was on a magazine. And it still had the doily on."
"Was it eaten?"
"One little bite."
"Well, that's garbage."
"But I know who took the bite. It was her aunt."
"Well, you, my friend, have crossed the line that divides man and bum. You are now a bum."
- Jerry and George, in "The Gymnast"
"I'm in the unfortunate position of having to consider other people's feelings."
- Jerry, in "The Gymnast"
"Jerry, you stand on the threshold to the magical world of sensual delights that most men dare not dream of."
"Boy, you can really talk some trash. I guess that's better than eating it."
- Kramer and Jerry, in "The Gymnast"
"But I'm afraid of clowns."
- Kramer, in "The Gymnast"
"You may tell jokes, Mr. Jerry Seinfeld, but you are no comedian."
- Katya, in "The Gymnast"


"I don't want to go out to dinner with him. I'd rather make my own suit."
- Jerry, who accepted a new Armani suit from Kenny in exchange for
a meal, in "The Soup"
"I love the day date... No wine, no shower..."
- Jerry, in "The Soup"
"Horse manure's not that bad. I don't even mind the word manure. It's newer, which is good, and a ma in front of it. Ma-Newer. When you consider the other choices, manure is actually pretty refreshing."
- George, in "The Soup"
"I really like depriving myself of things. It's fun! Very monastic."
- Kramer, in "The Soup"
"The soup counts!"
- Jerry, to Kenny, in "The Soup"
"You worn the suit yet?"
"Actually, I did. I put it on last night and slept in it."
- Kenny and Jerry, in "The Soup"
"If I go back in there without any food, there's gonna be trouble!"
- Kramer, whose new girlfriend has has a voracious appetite, in "The Soup"


"What's so great about a mom and pop store? Let me tell you something, if my mom and pop ran a store I wouldn't shop there."
- George, in "The Mom and Pop Store"
"I don't wanna be a cowboy!"
- Jerry, who only has cowboy boots to wear, in "The Mom and Pop Store"
"Hey, I've got Jon Voight's LeBaron."
- George and Kramer, in "The Mom and Pop Store"
"Oh look, there's Gregory Peck's bicycle! And Barbara Mandrell's skateboard!"
- Jerry, teasing George, in "The Mom and Pop Store"
"So where's my sneakers?"
"That's what I want to know."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, I saw mom and pop this morning, but when I went by the store on my way home the place was empty. Everything is gone. Mom and pop vanished!"
"So all my sneakers are gone?"
"I'm afraid so, and that's just the tip of the iceberg. I've been asking around. They didn't even have any kids."
"Mom and pop aren't even a mom and pop?
"It was all an act, Jerry. They conned us, and they scored big-time!"
"So, mom and pop's plan was to move into the neighborhood, establish trust - for 48 years - and then run off with Jerry's sneakers?"
- Jerry, Kramer and Elaine, in "The Mom and Pop Store"
"For all I know, this guy went out of his way to not invite you. How am I going to feel if I show up with an uninvited, unwelcome intruder?"
"The way I feel when I go places with you?"
- George and Jerry, in "The Mom and Pop Store"
"You got a problem with Woody Woodpecker?"
"Yeah, what is he, some sort of an instigator?"
"That's right, he's a troublemaker."
- Kramer and George, in "The Mom and Pop Store"


"It's incredible. Six months ago you were taking messages for your mother."
"And now someone's going to be taking messages for me."
"From your mother."
- Jerry and George, in "The Secretary"
"You're extremely attractive, you're gorgeous. I'm looking at you, I can't even remember my name."
- George, in "The Secretary"
"I would give up red meat just to get a glimpse of you in a bra."
- George, in "The Secretary"
"It's definitely do-able."
- Ada, George's new secretary, in "The Secretary"
"This is false reflecting!"
- Elaine, accusing a store of having skinny mirrors, in "The Secretary"
"When you're shopping on Madison Avenue, you don't want to skip on the swank."
- Kramer, in "The Secretary"
"He's got the Kavorka."
- Jerry, about Kramer, in "The Secretary"
"What, do you think the dry cleaner's your own personal closet?!"
- Jerry, who caught the dry cleaner's wife wearing his mother's fur coat,
in "The Secretary"
"For our next meal, do you think we should come here, or should we go someplace else? It has its pros and cons. On the one hand, here you're guaranteed a great meal. On the other hand..."
"Yeah, yeah, I know, this would be good but it would be the same. But if we go someplace else it would be different, but it might not be as good. It's a gamble. I get it!"
- Banya and Jerry, in "The Secretary"


"I can't believe you're really going out with a woman named Lois."
"I know. Finally!"
- George and Jerry, in "The Race"
"Man, that's some tart cider."
- Jerry, enjoying a holiday beverage, in "The Race"
"So, you were the fastest kid in school."
"Faster than a speeding bullet, Lois."
- Lois and Jerry, in "The Race"
"The Daily Worker has personals?"
"Yeah, and they say that appearance is not important."
"Yours or hers?"
- Jerry and George, in "The Race"
"Yes, this is a business office, but I'm not a businessman per se. I'm here working for the people. I'm causing dissent, stirring the pot, getting people to question the whole rotten system."
- George, trying to get a date with a communist, in "The Race"
"Eight hours of jingle-belling and ho-ho-hoing. Boy, I am ho'd out."
- Kramer, working as a department store Santa Claus, in "The Race"
"So, what have you been doing with yourself?"
"I'm a comedian."
"Well, I really wouldn't know about that. I don't watch much TV. I like to read. What do you do, a lot of that 'Did you ever notice' kind of stuff? It strikes me a lot of guys are doing that kind of humor."
"Yeah yeah... Boy, you really went bald there, didn't you? You used to really have a thick full head of hair."
"Well, I guess I started losing it when I was about 28, right around the time I made my first million."
- George and Jerry, acting like they haven't seen each other in years, in "The Race"
"There are no delicatessens under communism."
"Woah, why not?"
"Well, because the meats are divided into a class system. You've got pastrami and corned beef in one class and salami and bologna in another. That's not right."
"So you can't get corned beef?"
"Well, you know, if you're in the Politburo, maybe."
- Kramer and Mickey, in "The Race"
"Fine, you want to be a communist, be a communist. Can't you at least look like a successful communist?"
- Elaine, to her boyfriend, in "The Race"


"Next time let's play ping-pong. It's easier to jump over the net."
- Jerry, after a game of tennis, in "The Switch"

"The jokes kept bouncing off her like Superman."
- Jerry, about his new girlfriend, a non-laugher, in "The Switch"

"Well, I heard a noise."
"What noise?"
"You know, 'Bleeaahhh'."
"What 'Bleeaahhh'?"
"From the bathroom..."
"Oh, you think she was refunding?"
"Every time we go out to eat, the minute we're done she's running for the bathroom."
"So you're concerned?"
"Elaine, of course I'm concerned. I'm paying for those meals. It's like throwing money down the toilet."
- George, Jerry and Elaine, in "The Switch"

- Babs Kramer, revealing her son's first name, in "The Switch"

"All my life I've been running away from that name. That's why I wouldn't tell anybody. But I've been thinking about it. All this time I'm trying not to be me. I'm afraid to face who I was. But I'm Cosmo, Jerry, I'm Cosmo Kramer, and that's who I'm going to be. From now on, I'm Cosmo!"
- Kramer, in "The Switch"

"Do you realize in the entire history of western civilization no one has successfully accomplished the roommate switch. In the middle ages you could get locked up for even suggesting it."
"They didn't have roommates in the middle ages."
"How do you know?"
"Well, for one thing, they didn't have apartments."
"Well, I'm sure at some point between the years 800 and 1200 somewhere there were two women living together."
- George and Jerry, in "The Switch"

"Do you ever just get down on your knees and thank God that you know me and have access to my dementia?"
- George, in "The Switch"

"I'm not an orgy guy."
- Jerry, in "The Switch"

"We have to put the board in a neutral place where no one will tamper with it."
"So that's here?"
"Yes, yes, you're like Switzerland."
"I don't wanna be Switzerland."
"Jerry, Newman and I are engaged in an epic struggle for world domination. It's winner take all. People cannot be trusted."
"Don't look at me."
"Oh, I'm looking right at you, Big Daddy."
- Kramer, Jerry and Newman, discussing a game of Risk, in "The Label Maker"

"He's a re-gifter."
- Elaine, in "The Label Maker"

"I would drape myself in velvet if it were socially acceptable."
- George, in "The Label Maker"

"Alright, fine, you sit there and you watch while Newman takes over the world. But he'd be a horrible leader. And you know who's going to suffer? The little people. You and George."
- Kramer, to Jerry, in "The Label Maker"

"Are you even vaguely familiar with the concept of giving? There's no grace period."
"Well, didn't he re-gift the label maker?"
"Well, if he can re-gift, why can't you de-gift?"
- Jerry and George, in "The Label Maker"

"It's Risk. It's a game of world domination being played by two guys who can barely run their own lives."
- Jerry, in "The Label Maker"

"Jerry, I'm a little insulted."
"You're not a little anything, Newman."
- Newman and Jerry, in "The Label Maker"

"I don't trust this guy. I think he re-gifted, and then he de-gifted, and now he's using an upstairs invite as a springboard to a Super Bowl sex romp."
- Jerry, about Tim Whatley, in "The Label Maker"

"I'm taking the Congo as a penalty!"
- Kramer, after catching Newman cheating at Risk, in "The Label Maker"

"You know what the Ukraine is? It's a sitting duck. A road apple, Newman. The Ukraine is weak. It's feeble. I think it's time to put the hurt on the Ukraine."
- Kramer, close to victory in Risk, in "The Label Maker"


"Was he on his death bed?"
"No, he was on his regular bed."
- George and Jerry, in "The Scofflaw"

"I need a new look. I'm stagnating."
- Kramer, in "The Scofflaw"

"I've been living a lie."
"Just one? I'm living like twenty."
- Gary and George, in "The Scofflaw"

"I told Jake you said hi."
"What?! You told Jake I said hi?"
"I can't believe you did that. Why did you tell him I said hi? I never said hi. When did I say hi?"
- Kramer and Elaine, in "The Scofflaw"

"I had the upper hand in the post-breakup relationship. If he thinks that I said hi, then I lose the upper hand."
"It's like a game of tag."
- Elaine and Jerry, in "The Scofflaw"

"I don't think I can be that nice."
"You be nice!"
- Jerry and George, in "The Scofflaw"

"What's this?
"It's an eyepatch."
"You look like a pirate."
"I want to be a pirate."
- Jerry and Kramer, in "The Scofflaw"

"I hate smugness. Don't you hate smugness?"
"Smugness is not a good quality."
- Elaine and a taxi driver, in "The Scofflaw"

"Why don't you get a pair of white shoes, move down to Miami Beach and get the whole thing over with?"
- Jerry, to George, who is buying a toupee, in "The Scofflaw"


"Have you ever been to the ballet?"
"No, but I've seen people on tiptoes."
- Elaine and Jerry, in "The Beard"

"I never realized what an attractive man he is. Oh, he's a real looker, that one."
- Kramer, talking about George, who is now wearing a toupee, in "The Beard"

"I think they might have sutured that thing to your brain."
- Elaine, disdainful of George's new toupee, in "The Beard"

"And we discover yet another talent... Posing as a girlfriend for homosexuals."
- Jerry, to Elaine, in "The Beard"

"Did you describe yourself to her over the phone?"
"Yes I did."
"What did you say?"
"What do you think I said?"
"I don't know."
"I told her the truth."
"As you see it?"
"Yes, as I see it."
"Did you tell her about your little hat there?"
"What hat?"
"You know, your little hair hat there."
- Jerry and George, in "The Beard"

"When someone is lying, is it true that their pants are actually on fire?"
- Jerry, in "The Beard"

"I feel like my old self again... Totally inadequate, completely insecure, paranoid, neurotic... It's a pleasure."
- George, after Elaine threw his toupee out the window, in "The Beard"

"Just remember, it's not a lie if you believe it."
- George, in "The Beard"

"Being a woman, I only really have access to the equipment, what, 30-45 minutes a week, and that's on a good week. How can I be expected to have the same expertise as people who own this equipment and have access to it 24 hours a day their entire lives?"
- Elaine, in "The Beard"

"Well, there's always a place for you on our team."
- Jerry, to Elaine, in "The Beard"


"I wish the flamenco was popular here."
"Would you do it?"
"Yes, I think I would."
"Well, I knew you had an affinity for it because it's the dance of a very proud people."
- George and Jerry, in "The Kiss Hello"

"I love these people. You can't ask them questions. They're so mentally gifted that we mustn't disturb the delicate genius unless it's in the confines of an office. When huge sums of money are involved then the delicate genius can be disturbed!"
- George, in "The Kiss Hello"

"I'm going on record right now, that was my last kiss hello. I am getting off the kiss program with her."
"Well, frankly, outside of a sexual relationship, I don't see the point to it. I'm not thrilled with all the handshaking either, but one step at a time."
- Jerry and Elaine, in "The Kiss Hello"

"This is going to be my first opportunity to not kiss her hello."
"What is the big deal about putting your lips on somebody's face?"
"It's the obligation. You know, as soon as this person comes in, you know you have to do this. I mean, if you could, say, touch a breast as part of the kiss hello, then I think I could see the value in it a little better."
"How about an intercourse hello? How would that be?"
- Jerry and Elaine, in "The Kiss Hello"

"The delicate genius has a policy!"
- George, in "The Kiss Hello"

"That's just what I need... more kissing."
- Jerry, in "The Kiss Hello"

"I'll tell you another thing, Cosmo Kramer or whatever you want to be called, the kissing thing is over. There's no more kissing and I don't care what the consequences are!"
- Jerry, to Kramer, in "The Kiss Hello"