Ok, so I'll admit I'm addicted.....


 For Fans Only.... Memorable Quotes!!!
(mostly stolen from

"I'll tell you what your problem is... You brought your queen out too fast. What do you think, she's one of these feminists looking to get out of the house? Nah, the queen is old-fashioned, likes to stay home, cook, take care of her man, make sure he feels good."
- George, playing chess, in "The Engagement"

"I'm much more comfortable criticizing people behind their backs."
- George, in "The Engagement"

"What is this? What are we doing? What in God's name are we doing?"
"Our lives! What kind of lives are these? We're like children. We're not men."
"No we're not. We're not men."
"We come up with all these stupid little reasons to break up with these women."
"I know, I know! That's what I do. That's what I do!"
"Are we going to be sitting here when we're sixty like two idiots?"
"We should be having dinner with our sons when we're sixty."
"We're pathetic, you know that?"
"Yeah, like I don't know that I'm pathetic."
"Why can't I be normal?"
"Yes! Me too! I want to be normal. Normal!"
"It would be nice to care about someone."
"Yes! Yes! Care!"
- Jerry and George, in "The Engagement"

"I had a very interesting lunch with George Costanza today."
"We were talking about our lives, and we both kind of realized we're kids. We're not men."
"So then you asked yourselves, 'Isn't there something more to life?'"
"Yes, we did."
"Yeah, well let me clue you in on something... There isn't."
"There isn't?"
"Absolutely not. I mean, what are you thinking about, Jerry, marriage? Family? They're prisons! Man-made prisons. You're doing time. You get up in the morning, she's there. You go to sleep at night, she's there. It's like you gotta ask permission to use the bathroom. 'Is it alright if I use the bathroom now?!' And you can forget about watching TV while you're eating."
"I can?"
"Oh yeah. You know why? Because it's dinnertime, and you know what you do at dinner?"
"You talk about your day. 'How was your day today? Did you have a good day today or a bad day today? Well, what kind of day was it? Well, I don't know, how about you, how was your day?'"
"It's sad, Jerry. It's a sad state of affairs."
"I'm glad we had this talk."
"Oh, you have no idea."
- Jerry and Kramer, in "The Engagement"

"What if there should be an unfortunate accident?"
"You're going to rub out the dog?!"
- Kramer and Jerry, in "The Engagement"

"Frank, come here!"
"You come here."
"Georgie's getting married!"
"Georgie's getting married!!"
"Get the hell outta here. He's getting married?"
"To a woman?"
- Estelle and Frank Costanza, in "The Engagement"

"And she said yes?"
"Well, it took a couple hours of convincing, but I was persistent."
- Jerry and George, who asked Susan to marry him, in "The Engagement"


"Why can't there be some things just for me? Is that so selfish?"
"Actually, that's the definition of selfish."
- George and Jerry, in "The Secret Code"

"I am not giving my code to anyone, for any reason!"
"What if my life depended on it?"
"If you're in some situation where some fast cash will save your life, I'll give you the code."
- George and Jerry, in "The Secret Code"

"Now how am I gonna relax? I'm gonna have to be on all night. I don't like to be on, Jerry. I would much rather be off."
"Trust me, you're off."
- George and Jerry, in "The Secret Code"

"I'll tell the maitre'd it'll just be the three bulls."
- J. Peterman, in "The Secret Code"

"I really should be getting back to my fiance. We had this big fight yesterday and, well, she wants to know my secret code. I don't know, I can't tell her. The funny thing is, I would really love to tell someone because it's killing me. You want to know what it is? It's Bosco. You know, the chocolate syrup. I love that stuff. I pour it in milk. It's my favorite drink."
- George, talking to Peterman's unconscious mother, in "The Secret Code"

"I am not giving you my code."
"I'll bet I can guess it."
"Yeah, right."
"Ah, all right, yeah... Let's see... Well, we can throw out birthdays immediately. That's too obvious. And no numbers for you. You're a word man. Let's go deeper... What kind of man are you? Well, you're weak, spineless, a man of temptations. But what tempts you? You're a portly fellow. A bit long in the waistband. So what's your pleasure? Is it the salty snacks you crave? No no no no... Yours is a sweet tooth. Oh, you may stray, but you'll always return to your dark master... The cocoa bean! And only the purest syrup nectar can satisfy you. If you could, you'd guzzle it by the gallon... Ovaltine!? Hershey's!? Nestle's Quick!?"
- George and Kramer, in "The Secret Code"


"Hey Elaine, who do you think would win a fight between me and Gorgeous George here?"
"You mean a real fight fight?"
"Mano a baldo."
"George fights dirty."
- Jerry and Elaine, in "The Pool Guy"

"I don't have one female friend left."
"Of course you don't. You're a man's woman. You hate other women and they hate you."
- Elaine and Kramer, in "The Pool Guy"

"There's nothing more pathetic than a grown man who's afraid of a woman."
- Kramer, in "The Pool Guy"

"This world here, this is George's sanctuary. If Susan comes into contact with this world, his worlds collide!"
- Kramer, in "The Pool Guy"

"Anybody knows... You gotta keep your worlds apart!"
- George, in "The Pool Guy"

"I'm getting a new telephone number."
"How come?"
"Chicks, man. Too many chicks know my number."
- Kramer and Jerry, in "The Pool Guy"

"What else did you two do?"
"Oh, you know, girly stuff."
"So, uh, flower shows, shopping for pretty bows, then back to her place, strip down to bra and panties for a tickle fight."
"That's really what you think girls do, isn't it?"
"Yes, I do."
- Jerry and Elaine, in "The Pool Guy"

"You have no idea of the magnitude of this thing. If she is allowed to infiltrate this world then George Costanza as you know him ceases to exist. You see, right now I have Relationship George. But there is also Independent George. That's the George you know, the George you grew up with... Movie George, Coffee Shop George, Liar George, Bawdy George."
"I love that George."
"Me too, and he's dying. If Relationship George walks through this door, he will kill Independent George. A George divided against itself cannot stand!"
- George and Jerry, in "The Pool Guy"


You think she's happy?"
"The cashier."
"Ruthie Cohen?"
"You know her name?"
"I don't think I've ever spoken to her."
"Maybe that's why she's happy."
- George and Jerry, in "The Gum"

"Why would I spend seven dollars to see a movie that I could watch at home?"
"Well, why go to a fine restaurant when you could just stick something in the microwave... Why go to the park and fly a kite when you could just pop a pill?"
- George and Kramer, in "The Gum"

"I think I finally figured out what the flavor is in this gum. It's a little lo-meiny."
- Jerry, in "The Gum"

"She was built in 1922 during the golden age of movie palaces. Minor restorations in 1941, 47, 52, 58, 63, and currently to our present period of time."
- Kramer, giving a tour of the theatre, in "The Gum"

"Now see, this is what the holidays are all about. Three buddies sitting around, chewing gum."
- Kramer, in "The Gum"

"That cashier is riding horses on my money."
"Well, here's what I propose. Go down to the stables, snoop around, see if any high-flying cashier's been throwing twenty-dollar bills around with big lips."
- George and Jerry, in "The Gum"

"Well, if it isn't Chesty Larue!"
- Jerry, to Elaine, in "The Gum"

"We've really gotta get that Elaine a boyfriend."
- Lloyd Braun, in "The Gum"


"I just came from the Price Club. I'm loaded up, baby!"
- Kramer, in "The Rye"

"I don't want John thinking that I'm hot and heavy if he's not hot and heavy. I'm trying to get a little squirrel to come over to me here. I don't want to make any big sudden movements. I'll frighten him away."

- Elaine, in "The Rye"
"How hard can it be to kill this thing?"

- Frank, about a Cornish game hen, in "The Rye"
"Let me understand. You've got the hen, the chicken and the rooster. The rooster goes with the chicken. So, who's having sex with the hen?"
- Frank, in "The Rye"

"You know, one of these days something terrible is gonna happen to you. It has to!"
- Elaine, to Jerry, in "The Rye"

"One never knows how the gastrointestinal workings of the equine are going to function."
- Kramer, in "The Rye"


"Oh great, it's the bra-less wonder. Who does she think she's kidding? Look at her. She's totally out of control."
- Elaine, in "The Caddy"

"It is all because of that car. See, Steinbrenner is like the first guy in at the crack of dawn. He sees my car, he figures I'm the first guy in. Then, the last person to leave is Wilhelm. He sees my car, he figures I'm burning the midnight oil. Between the two of them, they think I'm working an eighteen-hour day!"
"Locking your keys in your car is the best career move you ever made."
- George and Jerry, in "The Caddy"

"This woman has never, not once, ever, as long as I've known her, worn a bra."
"That's just shameless."
- Elaine and Jerry, in "The Caddy"

"Her birthday's coming up, see, so I decided to get her a little present."
"What are you going to get her?"
"A very traditional, a very supportive, brassiere."
"There's nothing subtle about that."
"No, no, she might just think it's a gift."
"Have I ever bought you a jockstrap as a gift?"
- Elaine, Jerry, and George, in "The Caddy"

"A woman just walking around in broad daylight with nothing but a bra on? She's a menace to society."
- Elaine, in "The Caddy"

"It's lewd, lascivious, salacious, outrageous!"
- Jackie Chiles, in "The Caddy"

"Jerry, it's Frank Costanza. Mr. Steinbrenner's here... George is dead... Call me back."
- Frank, in "The Caddy"

"Are you going to tell your parents you're still alive?"
"No. They could use the break."
- Jerry and George, in "The Caddy"


"I miss the days when they made toys that could kill a kid."
- Jerry, in "The Seven"

"The only way to really help her is to just let her be."
- Jerry, about Elaine, in "The Seven"

"Carrie, you and Susan are cousins... So, your baby daughter is gonna be Susan's second cousin, right? So what does that make me?"
"It doesn't make you anything."
"Well, so legally I could marry your daughter!"
- George and Carrie, in "The Seven"

"Are you unhappy with our arrangement?"
"What arrangement?"
"Well, I was under the impression that I could take anything I wanted from your fridge, and you could take whatever you want from mine."
"Yeah? Well, let me know when you get something in there and I will."
- Kramer and Jerry, in "The Seven"

"I think I really sprained it."
"Ah, I doubt you sprained it. Maybe you pulled it."
"Did you twist it? You could've twisted it."
"I don't know."
"Did you wrench it? Did you jam it? Maybe you squeezed it, turned it..."
"You know what? Why don't you just shut the hell up."
- Elaine and Jerry, in "The Seven"

"A wise man once taught me the healing power of the body's natural pressure points. He sells t-shirts outside the World Trade Center."
- Kramer, in "The Seven"

"Seven Costanza... You're serious?"
"Yeah. It's a beautiful name for a boy or a girl. Especially a girl... Or a boy."
"I don't think so."
"What, you don't like the name?"
"It's not a name. It's a number."
"I know. It's Mickey Mantle's number. So not only is it an all-around beautiful name, it is also a living tribute."
- George and Susan, in "The Seven"

"Seven? Yeah, I guess I could see it. Seven. Seven periods of school, seven beatings a day. Roughly seven stitches a beating, and eventually seven years to life. Yeah, you're doing that child quite a service."
- Jerry, in "The Seven"

"I defy you to come up with a better name than Seven."
"Alright, let's see... How about Mug? Mug Costanza. That's original. Or Ketchup. Pretty name for a girl."
"Alright... You having a good time now?"
"I've got fifty right here in the cupboard... How about Bisquick? Pimento? Gherkin? Sauce? Maxwell House?"
"Alright already!!"
- George and Jerry, in "The Seven"


"Low flow? I don't like the sound of that."
- Kramer, in "The Shower Head"

"If I don't have a good shower, I am not myself. I feel weak and ineffectual. I'm not Kramer."
- Kramer, in "The Shower Head"

"If you could perhaps conduct the psychopath convention down the hall..."
- Jerry, to his parents and the Costanzas, in "The Shower Head"

"I just took a bath, Jerry. A bath!"
"No good?"
"It's disgusting. I'm sitting there in a tepid pool of my own filth. All kinds of microscopic parasites and organisms having sex all around me."
- Kramer and Jerry, in "The Shower Head"

"Now here's the lowdown. Through a certain connection, I've been able to locate some black market shower heads. They're all made in the former Yugoslavia. And from what I hear, the Serbs are fanatic about their showers."
"Not from the footage I've seen."
- Newman and Jerry, in "The Shower Head"

"This is Frank Costanza. You think you can keep us out of Florida? We're moving in lock, stock and barrel. We're gonna be in the pool. We're gonna be in the clubhouse. We're gonna be all over that shuffleboard court. And I dare you to keep me out!"
- Frank Costanza, to Jerry's dad, in "The Shower Head"

"Look at you, you're disgusting. You're bald, you're paunchy. All kinds of sounds are emanating from your body twenty-four hours a day. If there's a woman that can take your presence for more than ten consecutive seconds, you should hang on to her like grim death... which is not far off by the way."
- Jerry, to Uncle Leo, in "The Shower Head"


"I am never putting on another piece of clothing unless it's straight out of the dryer."
- Kramer, in "The Calzone"

"I'm like a drug dealer. I got the guy hooked. I'm having lunch at his desk every day this week... just him and me. He doesn't make a move without me."
- George, about George Steinbrenner's love of the calzone, in "The Calzone"

"Beautiful women... Ya know, they get away with murder. You never see one of them lift anything over three pounds. They do whatever they want, whenever they want to, and nobody can stop them."
"She's like a beautiful Godzilla."
"And I'm thousands of fleeing Japanese!"
- George and Jerry, in "The Calzone"

"You've got your shirt in my oven?"
"Well, I didn't have enough quarters for the dryer, but this is better anyway. And it's more convenient."
"Oh, for both of us."
"Yeah, and I have a lot more control. I got a shirt going for ten minutes at 325."
"What's wrong with your oven?"
"I'm baking a pie."
- Jerry and Kramer, in "The Calzone"

"He fires people like it's a bodily function."
- George, about George Steinbrenner, in "The Calzone"

"Let me be perfectly blunt. I don't care for you, Costanza. You hang out on the west side of the building with Seinfeld all day laughing it up, wasting your lives."
- Newman, in "The Calzone"

"These are terrible."
"It's like trying to smoke a chicken bone."
- Elaine and Jerry, smoking bad Peruvian cigars, in "The Calzone"


"Karate. It's a lifetime pursuit of balance and harmony."
"But with punching and kicking."
- Kramer and Jerry, in "The Foundation"

"You've never felt remorse."
"I know. I feel bad about that."
- Elaine and Jerry, in "The Foundation"

"My neck is one gargantuan monkey fist."
- Mr. Peterman, in "The Foundation"

"It's a terrible tragedy when parents outlive their children."
"Yes, I agree. I hope my parents go long before I do."
- Mr. Ross and George, in "The Foundation"

"I was free and clear. I was living the dream. I was stripped to the waist eating a block of cheese the size of a car battery."
"Before we go any further, I'd just like to point out how disturbing it is that you equate eating a block of cheese with some sort of bachelor paradise."
- George and Jerry, in "The Foundation"

"Between you and me, I always thought Kramer was a bit of a doofus. But, he believed in me. You did not. So, as I see it, he's not the doofus. You are the doofus."
- Elaine, to Jerry, in "The Foundation"


"Why would anybody want a friend?"
- Jerry, in "The Bizarro Jerry"

"Women like that are like members of a secret tribe living in a forbidden city. People like me have not been inside in thousands of years."
- George, about beautiful women, in "The Bizarro Jerry"

"You know what they say, 'You don't sell the steak, you sell the sizzle.'"
- Kramer, in "The Bizarro Jerry"
"She had man-hands!"
- Jerry, in "The Bizarro Jerry"

"Would you prefer it if she had no hands at all?"
"Would she have hooks?"
"Do hooks make it more attractive, Jerry?"
"Kinda cool looking."
- Elaine and Jerry, in "The Bizarro Jerry"

"I don't know if you've noticed, but lately I've been drifting aimlessly."
"Now that you mention it."
"But I've finally realized what's missing in my life... Structure!"
- Kramer and Jerry, in "The Bizarro Jerry"

"She wants me to dress smart-casual. What is that?"
"I don't know, but you don't have it."
- George and Jerry, in "The Bizarro Jerry"

"He's reliable. He's considerate. He's like your exact opposite."
"So he's Bizarro Jerry."
"Bizarro Jerry?"
"Yeah, like Bizarro Superman, Superman's exact opposite, who lives in the backwards Bizarro world. Up is down, down is up, he says hello when he leaves, goodbye when he arrives."
"Shouldn't he say badbye? Isn't that the opposite of goodbye?"
"No, it's still goodbye."
"Does he live underwater?"
"Is he black?"
"Look, just forget the whole thing."
- Elaine and Jerry, in "The Bizarro Jerry"

"I can't spend the rest of my life coming into this stinking apartment every ten minutes to pore over the excruciating minutia of every single daily event."
- Elaine, in "The Bizarro Jerry"

"What did you want to see me about, Mr. Leland?"
"Kramer, I've been reviewing your work. Quite frankly, it stinks."
"Well, I've been having trouble at home and, uh, I'll work harder. Nights, weekends, whatever it takes."
"No, no, I don't think that's going to do it. These reports you handed in, it's almost as if you have no business training at all. I don't know what this is supposed to be."
"Well, I'm just trying to get ahead."
"I'm sorry, there's just no way that we can keep you on."
"I don't even really work here."
"That's what makes this so difficult."
- Kramer and Mr. Leland, in "The Bizarro Jerry"


"You know, revulsion has now become a valid form of attraction."
"Well, then you're driving me wild."
- Elaine and Jerry, in "The Little Kicks"

"It's more like a full-body dry heave set to music."
- George, on Elaine's dancing style, in "The Little Kicks"

"During that period when my folks were separated, he went a little crazy."
"Not a very long trip."
- George and Jerry, about George's dad, in "The Little Kicks"

"I'm the bad boy. I've never been the bad boy."
"You've been the bad employee, the bad son, the bad friend."
"Yes. Yes, yes."
"The bad fiancÚ, the bad dinner guest, the bad credit risk."
"Okay, the point is made."
"The bad date, the bad sport, the bad citizen. The bad tipper!"
- George and Jerry, in "The Little Kicks"

"You saying you want a piece of me?"
"I could drop you like a bag of dirt."
"You want a piece of me?! You got it!"
- Frank Costanza and Elaine, in "The Little Kicks"


"I was looking at my chart and it said that I was difficult. Why would they write that?"
"They've gotten to know you."
- Elaine and Jerry, in "The Package"

"Oh come on, I'm not difficult. I'm easy."
- Elaine, in "The Package"

"Who's going to bomb you? An airline? For all the stupid little peanut jokes?"
"Oh, I suppose you think you're bombable."
"There's a couple of people who wouldn't mind having me out of the way."
"There's more than a couple."
- George and Jerry, in "The Package"

"It's the timeless art of seduction."
- Kramer, in "The Package"

"Oh yeah, I like this idea."
- Jerry, to another of Kramer's schemes, in "The Package"

"It's a write-off for them."
"How is it a write-off?"
"They just write it off."
"Write it off what?"
"Jerry, all these big companies, they write off everything."
"You don't even know what a write-off is."
"Do you?"
"No, I don't."
"But they do. And they're the ones writing it off."
"I wish I had the last twenty seconds of my life back."
- Kramer and Jerry, in "The Package"


"So you're angry that this bizarre carpet cabal made no attempt to abduct you?"
"They could've at least tried."
"You know, maybe they thought you look too smart to be brainwashed."
"Too dumb?"
- Jerry and George, in "The Checks"

"You have them sleeping in drawers?"
"Jerry, have you ever seen the business hotels in Tokyo? They sleep in tiny stacked cubicles all the time. They feel right at home."
"This has international incident written all over it."
- Jerry and Kramer, in "The Checks"

"That's a lovely little bureau and breakfast you're running."
- Jerry, to Kramer, in "The Checks"


"She's got a little Marisa Tomei thing going on."
"Ah. Too bad you've got a little George Costanza thing going on."
- George and Jerry, in "The Chicken Roaster"

"I'm like a commercial jingle. First it's a little irritating. Then you hear it a few times. You're humming it in the shower. By the third date, it's 'Buy Mennen!'"
- George, in "The Chicken Roaster"

"Why don't we just switch apartments?"
"Or I could sleep in the park."
- Kramer and Jerry, in "The Chicken Roaster"

"Newman, you wouldn't eat broccoli if it was deep-fried in chocolate sauce."
- Jerry, in "The Chicken Roaster"

"The greasy doorknob, the constant licking of the fingers. He's hooked on this chicken, isn't he?"
- Jerry, about Kramer, in "The Chicken Roaster"

"Is someone there? Mr. Marbles?"
- Jerry, trying to sleep in Kramer's apartment, in "The Chicken Roaster"


"The jerk store called, they're running out of you!"
- George, in "The Comeback"

"I don't want to be a vegetable, Elaine. I just want out."
- Kramer, in "The Comeback"

"I'm going with jerk store. Jerk store is the line. Jerk store!"
- George, in "The Comeback"

"You're a calculating, cold-hearted business woman. And when there's dirty work to be done, you don't mind stomping on a few throats."
- Kramer, about Elaine, in "The Comeback"

"Yank it like you're starting a mower."
- Elaine, on turning off a life support system, in "The Comeback"

"We only wake you up for the important meetings."
- Yankee exec, to George, in "The Comeback"

"Jerk store would've smoked that guy!"
- George, in "The Comeback"

"I didn't know it was possible to come out of a coma."
"I didn't know it was possible to not know that."
- Kramer and Jerry, in "The Comeback"


"You won't believe this, but as I'm leaving she calls me Susie."
"I don't see you as a Susie. Sharon, maybe."
"What am I, a bulimic, chain-smoking stenographer from Staten Island?"
- Elaine and Jerry, in "The Susie"

"Wait 'til you see the dress that she's got. It's backless. I'm finally going to make a great entrance."
"Backless? You gonna back her in?"
- George and Elaine, in "The Susie"

"She wants to talk?"
"She doesn't want to talk, she needs to talk."
"Nobody needs to talk."
"Who would want to?"
- Jerry and George, in "The Susie"

"My whole life I have never made a great entrance."
"You've made some fine exits."
- George and Jerry, in "The Susie"

"Between you, me, and the lamppost... and the desk, Peggy says this Suse isn't much of a worker."
"It's Susie."
"Nevertheless Elaine, the House of Peterman is in disorder."
- Peterman and Elaine, in "The Susie"


"I love a good nap. Sometimes it's the only thing getting me out of bed in the morning."
- George, in "The Nap"

"The walking date is a good date. You don't have to look right at the person."
"Hey, it's the next best thing to being alone."
- Jerry and Elaine, in "The Nap"

"Jerry, look at my eyes."
"Hmmm... they're a little less beady today."
"Because I'm refreshed! I finally found a way to sleep in my office. Under the desk! I lie on my back, I tuck in the chair. I'm invisible!"
"Sounds like a real cool fort."
- George and Jerry, in "The Nap"

"Well, my swimming pool problems are solved. I just found myself miles and miles of open lanes."
"What is that smell?"
"That's East River."
"You're swimming in the East River? The most heavily trafficked, overly contaminated waterway on the eastern seaboard?"
"Technically, Norfolk has more gross tonnage."
"How could you swim in that water?"
"I saw a couple other guys out there."
"Well... floating. They weren't moving much, but they were out there."
- Kramer and Jerry, in "The Nap"

"Jerry! Jerry, I'm trapped under my desk. Steinbrenner's in the room. You gotta help me!"
"Who is this?"
- George and Jerry, in "The Nap"

"It'll be years before they find another place to hide more cheese on a pizza."
- Elaine, in "The Nap"


"I notice she's big on the phrase 'yada yada'."
"Is 'yada yada' bad?"
"No, yada yada's good. She's very succinct."
"She is succinct."
"It's like you're dating USA Today."
- Jerry and George, talking about Marcy, in "The Yada Yada"

"I gotta get on that Internet. I'm late on everything."
- Jerry, in "The Yada Yada"

"Are you close with your parents?"
"Well, they gave birth to me and... yada yada yada..."
"Yada what?"
"Yada... yada... yada..."
- Marcy and George, in "The Yada Yada"

"I gotta tell you, I am loving this yada yada thing. I can gloss over my whole life story."
- George, in "The Yada Yada"

"Don't you see what Whatley is after? Total joke-telling immunity! He's already got the big two religions covered. If he ever gets Polish citizenship, there'll be no stopping him."
- Jerry, in "The Yada Yada"

"Listen to this. Marcy comes over and she tells me that her ex-boyfriend was over late last night and 'yada yada yada I'm really tired today.' You don't think she'd yada yada sex?"
"I've yada yada'd sex."
"Yeah. I met this lawyer, we went out to dinner, I had the lobster bisque, we went back to my place, yada yada yada, I never heard from him again."
"But you yada yada'd over the best part."
"No, I mentioned the bisque."
- George, Elaine, and Jerry, in "The Yada Yada"

"I wanted to talk to you about Dr. Whatley. I have a suspicion that he's converted to Judaism purely for the jokes."
"And this offends you as a Jewish person?"
"No, it offends me as a comedian."
- Jerry and Father Curtis, in "The Yada Yada"

"You know the difference between a dentist and a sadist, don't you? Newer magazines."
- Jerry, in "The Yada Yada"

"You have no idea what my people have been through."
"The Jews?"
"No, the dentists. Did you know we have the highest suicide rate of any profession?"
"Is that why it's so hard to get an appointment?"
- Jerry and Tim Whatley, in "The Yada Yada"

"Kramer, he's just a dentist."
"Yeah, and you're an anti-dentite."
- Jerry and Kramer, in "The Yada Yada"

"Hi Mr. Abbott."
"That's Dr. Abbott, DDS. Tim Whatley was one of my students, and if this wasn't my son's wedding day I'd knock your teeth out, you anti-dentite bastard."
- Jerry and Dr. Abbott, in "The Yada Yada"

"Hey, what do you call a doctor who failed out of med school?"
"A dentist."
- Beth and Jerry, in "The Yada Yada"


"Kramer, these balloons aren't going to stay filled 'til New Year's."
"Those aren't for New Year's. Those are my everyday balloons."
- Jerry and Kramer, in "The Millennium"

"You are looking at the next director of Mets scouting. Only thing is I have to get fired from the Yankees first."
"You can do that."
"Of course, but I really want to leave my mark this time. You know, I want to walk away from the Yankees with people saying, 'Wow, now that guy got canned.'"
"So you want to go out in a final blaze of incompetence."
"Yeah, remember that summer at Dairy Queen where I cooled my feet in the soft syrup machine?"
- George and Jerry, in "The Millennium"

"You think people will still be using napkins in the year 2000? Or is this mouth vacuum thing for real?"
- Kramer, in "The Millennium"

"What is a barometer exactly?"
"It's pronounced 'thermometer'."
- George and Kramer, in "The Millennium"

"So Jerry, my millennium party is really coming together. Will people be able to breathe under water in the year 2000?"
"Some of us."
"I don't want to exclude anybody."
- Kramer and Jerry, in "The Millennium"

"You can never have too much ice."
- Newman, in "The Millennium"

"For me, the next millennium must be Jerry-free."
- Newman, in "The Millennium"

"I never thought I'd fail at failing."
"Oh come on now."
"I can't do anything wrong."
"Nonsense. You do everything wrong."
"You really think so?"
"Absolutely! I have no confidence in you."
"Alright. I guess I just have to pick myself up, dust myself off, and throw myself right back down again."
"That's the spirit! You suck!"
- George and Jerry, in "The Millennium"

"I guess I can accept a little Jerry if it gets me a lot of Elaine."
- Newman, in "The Millennium"


"Wait. Those are the clothes from the bag!"
"The guy never came back."
"He asked you to watch them, not wear them."
"I'm still watching them."
- Jerry and George, in "The Muffin Tops"

"When do you start to worry about ear hair?"
"When you hear like a soft rustling."
- George and Jerry, in "The Muffin Tops"

"Why is it every half-wit and sitcom star has his own book out now?"
- Mr. Littman, in "The Muffin Tops"

"I did something stupid."
"What'd you do?"
"Well, I was shaving, and I noticed an assymmetry in my chest hair. And I was trying to even it out. And the next thing I know... Gone!"
- Jerry and Kramer, in "The Muffin Tops"

"So you're pretending to be a tourist?"
"It's beautiful. She makes all the plans. I'm not from around here, so it's okay if I'm stupid. And she knows I'm only in town visiting, so there's no messy breakups."
- Jerry and George, in "The Muffin Tops"

"The last thing this guy's qualified to give a tour of is reality."
- Jerry, about Kramer, in "The Muffin Tops"

"You know, if you take everything I've done in my entire life and condense it down into one day, it looks decent."
- George, in "The Muffin Tops"

"We have a bonus ultra-reality stop today. We're going to be hauling muffin stumps to the local repository."
"We're going to a garbage dump?"
"And we're off!"
"You know, I never thought he'd be able to recreate the experience of actually knowing him, but this is pretty close."
- Kramer, a Tourist, and Jerry, in "The Muffin Tops"


"Jerry, you got any Tums?"
"Stomach ache?"
"I drank too much water in the shower."
- Kramer and Jerry, in "The Summer of George"

"So, has the summer of George begun? Or are you still decomposing?"
- Jerry and George, in "The Summer of George"

"Can you believe she expected me to squire her around town while the dude sits at home in swaddling clothes?"
"Do they make swaddling clothes for adults?"
"It's like she's split the job of boyfriend into two jobs. Except the dude's playing the showroom and I'm stuck doing food and beverage."
- Jerry and George, in "The Summer of George"

"Listen to me. We're always sitting here. I'm always helping you with your girl problems, you're always helping me with my girl problems. Where do we end up?"
"Exactly. Because neither one of us can handle a woman all by ourselves."
"I'm trying."
"I've tried. We don't have it. But maybe the two of us, working together, at full capacity, could do the job of one normal man."
"Then each of us would only have to be like a half-man. That sounds about right."
- George and Jerry, in "The Summer of George"

"What is so appealing to men about a catfight?"
"Because men think if women are grabbing and clawing at each other, there's a chance they might somehow kiss."
- Elaine and Jerry, in "The Summer of George"


"I feel like an out-of-work porn star."
- George, commenting on his mustache, in "The Butter Shave"

"Boy, a month in Europe with Elaine. That guy's coming home in a body bag."
- Kramer, in "The Butter Shave"

"Wait a minute. Do I have to ask?"
"Well, I ran out of butter, so I had to borrow yours. Anything else, Mr. Nosey?"
"Why are you buttering your face?"
"I'm shaving with it."
"Oh, Moses smell the roses!"
- Jerry and Kramer, in "The Butter Shave"

"You know how hard it's getting just to tell people I know you?"
- Jerry, to George, in "The Butter Shave"

"I love that bathroom. It's got that high-high toilet. I feel like a gargoyle perched on the ledge of a building."
- George, in "The Butter Shave"

"You know, old friend, sometimes I ponder this silly gulf between us, and I say 'why?'. Are we really so different..."
"I'm not the one doing the cooking, Newman."
"Damn you Seinfeld. You're a useless pustule."
- Newman and Jerry, in "The Butter Shave"

"Oh man, I think I cooked myself."
- Kramer, in "The Butter Shave"

"I'm fried."
"Technically, you're sauteed. So what are you doing for that?"
"I just gotta keep my skin moist so I don't dry out."
"Is that what the doctor said?"
"I read an article in Bon Apetit Magazine."
- Kramer and Jerry, in "The Butter Shave"


"Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can't do it in one push. You gotta rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over."
- Jerry, in "The Voice"

"I come up with these things, I know they're gold but nothing happens. You know why?"
"No resources, no skill, no talent, no ability, no brains, no..."
"No, no time! It's all these menial tasks. Laundry, grocery shopping, coming in here and talking to you. You have any idea how much time I waste in this apartment?"
"I could ballpark it."
- Kramer and Jerry, in "The Voice"

"You remember my corporation, Kramerica Industries?"
"Well, apparently NYU is very enthusiastic about their students getting some real world corporate experience."
"But you only provide fantasy world corporate experience."
- Kramer and Jerry, in "The Voice"

"I've been reviewing Darren's internship journal. Doing laundry, mending chicken wire, high tea with a Mr. Newman?"
"Well, it all sounds pretty glamourous, but it's business as usual at Kramerica."
"Far as I can tell, your entire enterprise is little more than a solitary man with a messy apartment which may or may not contain a chicken."
- Dean Jones and Kramer, in "The Voice"

"You know, Darren, if you had told me twenty-five years ago that some day I'd be standing here about to solve the world's energy problems, I would've said you were crazy. Now let's push this giant ball of oil out this window."
- Kramer, in "The Voice"


"Serenity now! Serenity now!"
"What is that?"
"The doctor gave me a relaxation cassette. When my blood pressure gets too high, the man on the tape tells me to say 'serenity now!'"
"Are you supposed to yell it?"
"The man on the tape wasn't specific."
- Frank and George, in "The Serenity Now"

"I've never seen you mad."
"I get peeved."
"I would like to see you get really mad."
- Patty and Jerry, in "The Serenity Now"

"You've heard me yell."
"Not really. Your voice kind of raises to this comedic pitch."
- Jerry and George, in "The Serenity Now"

"I'm open. There's just nothing in there."
- Jerry, in "The Serenity Now"

"Starting tonight we're having a little sales contest. The loser gets fired. The winner gets a Water Pik."
- Frank, in "The Serenity Now"

"What's the matter?"
"It's Patty."
"Jerry, you break up with a girl every week."
"What is this salty discharge?"
"Oh my God, you're crying."
"This is horrible. I care."
- Elaine and Jerry, in "The Serenity Now"

"I don't know what's happening to me."
"Simple. You let out one emotion, all the rest will come. It's like Endora's Box."
"That was the mother on Bewitched. You mean Pandora."
"Yeah, well, she had one too."
- Jerry and Kramer, in "The Serenity Now"

"Serenity now, insanity later."
- Lloyd Braun, in "The Serenity Now"

"George, letting my emotions out was the best thing I've ever done. Sure, I'm not funny anymore, but there's more to life than making shallow, fairly obvious observations."
- Jerry, in "The Serenity Now"


"This Kruger guy is clueless. I can't wait to work for him."
- George, in "The Slicer"

"I haven't had a decent sandwich in thirteen years."
- Kramer, in "The Slicer"

"Do you have any idea what it feels like to save someone's life?"
"Is it anything like hitting a homer in softball?"
- Dr. Sara and Jerry, in "The Slicer"

"How was the doctor date?"
"It died on the table."
- Elaine and Jerry, in "The Slicer"

"Saving lives? She's one step above working at the Clinique counter."
"Dermatologists. Skin doesn't need a doctor."
"Of course not. Wash it, dry it, move on."
- George and Jerry, in "The Slicer"

"You call yourself life saver, I call you Pimple-Popper, M.D."
- Jerry, to Dr. Sara, in "The Slicer"

"I've cut slices so thin, I couldn't even see them."
"How'd you know you cut it?"
"Well, I guess I just assumed."
- Kramer and Elaine, about his new meat slicer, in "The Slicer"

"Moles -- Freckle's ugly cousin."
- Kramer, in "The Slicer"


"So she coughed."
"Coughing? Naked? It's a turn-off, man."
"Everything goes with naked."
"When you cough there are thousands of unseen muscles that suddenly spring into action. It's like watching that fat guy catch a cannonball in his stomach in slow motion."
"You spoiled spoiled man. You know how much mental energy I expend just trying to picture women naked?"
"But the thing you don't realize is that there's good naked and bad naked. Naked hair brushing - good. Naked crouching - bad."
- George and Jerry, in "The Apology"

"You're probably wasting time working piece-meal, first cleaning one area and then another."
"Well, that's how cats do it."
"But when you have a faucet instead of a tongue, you want to use gravity."
- Jerry and Kramer, in "The Apology"

"Alright George, alright. I'm sorry. I'm very very sorry. I'm so sorry that I didn't want your rather bulbous head struggling to find its way through the normal size neckhole of my finely knit sweater."
- Henke, in "The Apology"

"Oh yeah yeah, I'm watching you too, but this guy's really showing me something."
- Kramer, observing men in a gym shower, in "The Apology"

"This is all in her mind, okay? She is insane. She thinks I made her sick because I coughed on her doorknob, rubbed her stapler in my armpit, and put her keyboard on my butt. Yeah... She's a whacko."
- Elaine, in "The Apology"

"Instead of an apology, he was be-boppin' and scattin' all over me."
- George, about Henke, in "The Apology"

"I am not here for rage. I'm here for revenge."
- George, at a Rage-aholics meeting, in "The Apology"

"He took you to Rage-aholics? Why?"
"Probably because this whole universe is against me!"
"I think you've got a little rage."
"I know. And now they want me to bottle it up. It makes me so mad!"
- Jerry and George, in "The Apology"

"What is wrong with my body?"
"Chicken wing shoulder blades."
- Jerry and Elaine, in "The Apology"

"The female body is a work of art. The male body is utilitarian. It's for gettin' around. It's like a Jeep."
- Elaine, in "The Apology"

"This food was in the shower with you?"
"Mmm hmm... I prepared it as I bathed."
- Elaine and Kramer, in "The Apology"


"You might not know it to look at me, but I can run really really fast."
- Jerry, in "The Strike"

"I got him Yankee tickets, he got me a piece of paper saying I've given your gift to someone else."
"To a children's charity."
"Don't you see how wrong that is? Where's your Christmas spirit!? An eye for an eye!"
- George and Jerry, in "The Strike"

"When George was growing up, his father hated all the commercial and religious aspects of Christmas, so he made up his own holiday."
"Oh... and another piece of the puzzle falls into place."
- Jerry and Elaine, in "The Strike"

"H&H wouldn't let us use their bathroom while we were picketing. It put a cramp in our solidarity."
- Kramer, in "The Strike"

"Why didn't you ever mention this?"
"Jerry, I didn't want you to know I was out of work. It's embarrassing."
- Jerry and Kramer, in "The Strike"

"So, attractive one day, not attractive the next."
"Have you come across this?"
"Yes, I am familiar with this syndrome. She's a two-face."
"Like the Batman villain?"
"If that helps you."
"So if I ask her out again, I don't know who's showing up -- the good, the bad, or the ugly."
- George and Jerry, in "The Strike"

"Happy Festivus, George!"
- Elaine, in "The Strike"

"Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. As I rained blows upon him, I realized there had to be another way."
"What happened to the doll?"
"It was destroyed. But out of that a new holiday was born... A Festivus for the rest of us!"
- Frank Costanza and Kramer, in "The Strike"

"At the Festivus dinner, you gather your family around and tell them all the ways they have disappointed you over the past year."
"And is there a tree?"
"No. Instead, there's a pole. Requires no decoration. I find tinsel distracting."
"Frank, this new holiday of yours is scratching me right where I itch."
- Frank and Kramer, in "The Strike"

"Yamahama, it's fright night!"
- Kramer, seeing Jerry's date in a bad light, in "The Strike"


"So Puddy wears a man-fur?"
"He was struttin' around the coffee shop like Stein Erickson."
- Jerry and Elaine, in "The Reverse Peephole"

"I'll sniff out a deal. I have a sixth sense."
"Cheapness is not a sense."
- George and Jerry, in "The Reverse Peephole"

"Now I can peek in and see if anyone is waiting to jack me with a sock full of pennies."
- Kramer, in "The Reverse Peephole"

"Nobody carries wallets anymore. They went out with powdered wigs."
- Kramer, in "The Reverse Peephole"

"Why are we in Jerry's apartment?"
"Well, I like to think of this as my conference room. It has a more formal atmosphere, you know, with the shelves... and the furniture."
- Silvio and Kramer, in "The Reverse Peephole"

"So now Joe Mayo wants me to buy him a new coat."
"Because you threw it out."
"No, because I was in charge of the coats. It's insane!"
"But you did actually throw his coat out the window?"
"But he doesn't know that. As far as he knows someone stole it, and that's the person who should be held responsible."
"But that's you."
"So I guess I'll have to buy him a new coat, even though I don't think I should be held responsible, which I am anyway."
- Elaine and Jerry, in "The Reverse Peephole"

"My back is killing me."
"Of course, because of that wallet! You've got a filing cabinet under half of your ass."
"This is an organizer, a secretary, and a friend."
- George and Jerry, in "The Reverse Peephole"

"I can't believe we're going dancing."
"You don't go that often?"
"No, because it's so stupid."
- Jerry and Keri, in "The Reverse Peephole"

"You know, sometimes I get the feeling George isn't being completely honest with me."
- Jerry, in "The Reverse Peephole"

"This is very much as I imagined it to be. Aside from this rattan piece which seems oddly out of place."
- Newman, entering Elaine's apartment for the first time, in "The Reverse Peephole"

"Hey Silvio. Just out for a little stroll in my favorite fur coat."
"That is your coat?"
"It sure is."
"Kramer says you need it because you're an entertainer and you're desperate for attention."
"That's true."
- Jerry and Silvio, in "The Reverse Peephole"

"Hey Silvio, look at Jerry here, prancing around in his coat with his purse. Yup, he's a dandy. He's a real fancy boy!"
- Kramer, in "The Reverse Peephole"


"I had 'em Jerry. They loved me."
"And then?"
"I lost 'em. I can usually come up with one good comment during a meeting, but by the end it's buried under a pile of gaffes and bad puns."
"Showmanship, George. When you hit that high note, say goodnight and walk off."
- George and Jerry, in "The Burning"

"You prefer dumb and lazy to religious?"
"Dumb and lazy I understand."
- Jerry and Elaine, in "The Burning"

"Bacterial meningitis... Jackpot!"
"Gonorrhea? You wanna trade?"
"Sorry buddy, this is the Hamlet of diseases. Severe pain, nausea, delusions... It's got everything."
- Mickey and Kramer, in "The Burning"

"I'm against all 'It's me's'. It's so self-absorbed and egotistical, like those hip musicians with their complicated shoes."
- George, in "The Burning"

"Alright, that's it for me! Be good everybody!"
- George, going out on a high note, in "The Burning"

"I'm going to make people feel my gonnorhea."
- Kramer, in "The Burning"

"Pull the old switcheroo."
"I think that's 'What's good for the goose is good for the gander.'"
"What the hell is a gander anyway?"
"It's a goose that's had the old switcheroo pulled on her."
- George and Jerry, in "The Burning"

"Is it a problem that I'm not really religious?"
"Not for me."
"Why not?"
"I'm not the one going to hell."
- Elaine and Puddy, in "The Burning"

"My boyfriend said I got gonnorhea from riding the tractor in my bathing suit."
- Sophie, in "The Burning"

"Don't you even care? This is your company. It's your name on the outside of the building. Speaking of which, the R fell off and all it says now is K-UGER."
"K-UGER. That sounds like one of those old time car horns, huh? K-UGER! K-UGER!"
"You are too much, Mr. Kruger. Too much!"
"Thank you George, you've been great. That's it for me!"
"What? No, no, you're not going out on a high note with me, Mr. Kruger."
"It's K-UGER!"
- George and Mr. Kruger, in "The Burning"


"Boy, look at this. Hong Kong's outlawed the rickshaw. See, I always thought those would be perfect for New York."
"Yes, the city needs more slow-moving wicker vehicles."
- Kramer and Jerry, in "The Bookstore"

"If it wasn't for the toilet, there would be no books."
- George, in "The Bookstore"

"We made out at the table like our plane was going down."
- Elaine, in "The Bookstore"

"To the idiot-mobile!"
- Jerry, to Kramer and Newman, in "The Bookstore"

"That book has been on a wild ride."
- Jerry, about the book George took into the bathroom, in "The Bookstore"

"We should've got some collateral from him. Like his bag of cans. Or his... other bag of cans."
- Kramer, after a homeless man stole his rickshaw, in "The Bookstore"

"I had to take a sick day, I'm so sick of these people."
- Elaine, on her co-workers, in "The Frogger"

"You sure have a lot of friends. How come I never see any of these people?"
"They want to know why they never see you."
- Jerry and Kramer, in "The Frogger"

"Oh, I was unstoppable! Perfect combination of Mountain Dew and mozzarella, with just the right amount of grease on the joystick."
- George, on his gaming skills, in "The Frogger"

"What is nice? Trying to fill the void in your life with flour and sugar and egg and vanilla? I mean, we are all unhappy. Do we have to be fat too?"
- Elaine, in "The Frogger"

"Well, I'm doing it Jerry. I'm buying that Frogger machine. Now the torch will burn forever!"
"Fabulous! See, now you're really doing something."
- George and Jerry, in "The Frogger"

"You know, the police, they found another victim of The Lopper in Riverside Park. I saw the photo... and it looked a lot like you."
"Oh come on, there's a lot of people walking around the city that look like me."
"Not as many as there used to be."
- Kramer and Jerry, in "The Frogger"

"Kramer, listen to me. I'm never going to have a child. If I lose this Frogger high score, that's it for me."
"Believe me, George, you can count on Slippery Pete."
- George and Kramer, in "The Frogger"

"She's a sentence finisher. It's like dating Mad Libs."
- Jerry, in "The Frogger"

"Guess what I ate!"
"An ostrich burger?"
"No, a $29,000 piece of cake. Peterman got it at the Duke and Duchess of Windsor auction. It's the most romantic thing I've ever eaten."
- Elaine and George, in "The Frogger"

"Why don't you put it in the car so I don't accidentally toss it in that dumpster."
- Jerry, receiving an ugly new hat, in "The Frogger"

"It's an Entenmann's."
"Do they have a castle at Windsor?"
"No, they have a display case at the end of the aisle."
- Lubeck, the cake appraiser, and Peterman, in "The Frogger"

"Elaine, I have a question for you. Is the item still with you?"
"Umm, as far as I know."
"Do you know what happens to a butter-based frosting after six decades in a poorly-ventilated English basement?
"Uhh, I guess I hadn't..."
"Well, I have a feeling what you are about to go through is punishment enough."
- Peterman and Elaine, after he discovers that she ate his antique cake, in "The Frogger"


"If you are thinking of instituting an open-door urination policy, let me disabuse you of that notion right now my friend."
"You're so uptight."
"Uptight. Let's all just have a big pee party. Hey everybody, grab a bucket, we're going up to Jerry's. It's a pee party!"
- Jerry and George, in "The Finale"

"If he says he doesn't want it to be a show about nothing, don't go nuts."
"It's fine. It doesn't have to be about nothing."
"He might not want nothing."
"Something, nothing, I could care less."
"He might want a show about anything and everything."
"Anything, everything, something, nothing. Who the hell cares? Put me down. I'm down!"
- Jerry and George, waiting to talk to NBC executives, in "The Finale"

"I don't need any ideas. It's a show about nothing."
"Nothing, please. I'll tell you the truth. The whole thing sounds pretty stupid to me."
- George and Estelle, in "The Finale"

"Why would we want to help somebody? That's what nuns and Red Cross workers are for."
- George, in "The Finale"

"Perhaps these hooligans would like to have a pee party right here in the courtroom!"
- The Prosecutor, in "The Finale"

"But they did not care. They're totally indifferent. All they do is mock me, just like they did the fat fellow. All the time, mocking, mocking, mocking, mocking, all the time. It is Babu's turn to mock."
- Babu, in "The Finale"

"I don't know how, or under what circumstances, the four of you found each other, but your callous indifference and utter disregard for everything that is good and decent has rocked the very foundation upon which our society is built."
- Judge Art Vandelay, in "The Finale"

"The second button is the key button. It literally makes or breaks the shirt. Look at it. It's too high. It's in no-man's land."
"Haven't we had this conversation before?"
"You think?"
"I think we have."
"Yeah, maybe we have."
- Jerry and George, in "The Finale"*
*See also: "Good News, Bad News"